In Part One, the first two chapters dealt with a picture of the mechanism of grief itself, the healing clockwork. Though certainly not complete, the analogies of the clockwork and the amputation sufficed to indicate the importance of outward and inner expression and the respective social sensitivity and self-discovery that follows.
Next is an actual chronicle of the grief itself, how the actual expression of my battle with the beast, Pain, went. Much is left open for interpretation, for your journey was unique just as mine was.
In Part Two, chapters III through XII, I chronicle my walk through the Black Forest of grief. That is, I take you through the forest itself: my trail, my winding path. Everyone takes a slightly different path while the forest itself remains the same. On my path, I point out various trees that seem to be present in many crises. Some are uniquely mine, some we share. No pathway through the Black Forest of grief is the same, yet we share common ground and some are more adapt in the forest than others. Just visit with a forester
In Part Three, chapters XIII and XV, I step back and look at the whole Black Forest itself in the distance. Instead of the looking at the trees, we look at the whole forest from a kind of forestry helicopter. What factors help or do not help? What factors will make my journey easier or more complicated? I compare the Black Forest of grief peculiar in divorce with the likewise peculiar grief that takes place in the death of a loved one. Though they compare, there are notable distinctions.
III – XII
Through the Black Forest of
divorce grief,
my own
peculiar & winding pathway,
informed
by my pass losses & losses of others.
XIII – XV A distant view of the Black Forest itself,
common to all & what helps expression.
Still somewhere near the beginning‑‑once upon a time, the struggle with love and the future continued. How confusing. How difficult. It was a good and special time. It was a frightful time.
How much better could it have been if we had both been young and naive and innocent? How much better could it have been if we had no knowledge of how hard the world could be?
How vulnerable do souls become when tied together in a lifetime commitment? How strong can they become?
The reality of the world and the fears necessary to cope do not make marriage any easier. (Or do "fears" make marriage easier?) I believe that is part of what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7. Older persons have the advantages of experience, but they also have the disadvantages resulting from that experience‑‑a necessary distrust.
Other possible impediments to uninhibited love are a healthy hesitancy with the heart (Pr. 4:23), a general knowledge of evil, and a more clear understanding of one's own strengths and weaknesses. Likes and dislikes. Needs and goals. Preferences in toleration. A general awareness of the universality of imperfection.
Though the young have the advantage of their innocence and high ideals, they have a disadvantage in lack of experience. Nevertheless, if one can excuse the usual infatuation, the young can truly forge their relationship on love first, then grow together in understanding as together they face and endure the years ahead. With the young, the bonding that naturally comes as two people struggle and mature together is a priceless wonder of human nature.
As my ex-wife and I found out, older couples simply cannot do this. We had fears based on a solid understanding of reality, so much more solid than in our youthful days of carefree spontaneity. If love comes and grows in the older couple, then each one's understanding will have to affirm each stage of love's growth.
But what is love? Truly love does blind, I think. Even though I do not believe I was that blind. What happened to us? I can speculate forever. Talk forever. Understand a multitude of areas of that relationship I cherished.
What makes a loving relationship grow more intimate? Talk? Expression? Spirituality or spiritual gifts? Sex? Knowledge? Tragedy? Family? Generosity? Skill? What do these have to do with love? All of these play a part in love's growth. But in and of themselves they have little to do with love.
Love is a beautiful and warm and secure feeling. Indeed. But so much more.
Love could be a feeling that impels commitment. Or do the commitment and choice and mutual affection impel love? Which comes first or which supports the other: love or volitional commitment? On one side, to say that love is supported by the choice to commit seems to cheapen the mythical well-spring of affection, indeed seems to cheapen the eternal nature of love as the essence of God. On the other side, to say that commitment is supported by love seems to cheapen the Herculean efforts that are given in a life-sacrificing abandonment to the welfare of a loved one.
The more you attempt to analyze it, the more confusing and elusive the definition of love becomes. So even coming to terms with an adequate definition of love is difficult, if not impossible.
If that were not hard enough‑‑being without a clear and universal definition‑‑explaining what makes love grow is even more difficult. Such are the limits of our language. As it is with God, so it is with love. The closer to God we get, the more inadequate our earthly expressions become.
On the one hand, love is so easy, has such a simple way to her. Everyone knows something of love. But on the other hand love is too profound for definition because love spans all of life. Like the sky, beautiful and with numerous patterns; like the ocean, broad, full of life, and very dangerous. See Leo Buscaglia. See the poets, song writers, and other artists. See the Cross. Love is something everyone wants, but something no one can completely understand, much less adequately explain.
Nevertheless, love is the most cherished reality and emotion and possession of the human race, about which everyone knows something.
What seems to be an incredibly marvelous quality of love is this: love cannot be bought with money, explained to the mind, subjected to much experiment, or prevented by antagonists.
If this is not difficult enough, what seems to be even more incredible is that‑‑much of the time‑‑money and natural gifts and power and understanding actually impede true love. Regularly, power is abused, even unknowingly abused. Many times money distorts motives for both the giver and receiver. Natural gifts lend themselves to an inflated sense of entitlement. Most of the time the reality of the world, the evil therein, and the gifts of the worldly powerful prevent true love's growth between such persons altogether.
Nevertheless, once the box of true love has been opened, money and knowledge and enemies and trials‑‑all experience itself seems to become in some way a means and ally through which love grows. The good and the bad in life both become tools in the growth of love. How rich is the family where love grows. How marvelous and powerful love can be. Let us thank God.
We fell in love. We had two diverse backgrounds. Several did not think it a good match. We were poor and insecure and lonely. We both had endured much, though different types of turbulence throughout our lives. We each had developed some independent strengths and weaknesses.
During the courtship season of our love it was easy to be with her and hard to be away from her. The following chapters are my story, how my heart endured.
To me she was and is a beautiful woman. Without her--my meager understanding of love would have been more truncated. As I have known her and as my experience with her has informed me about myself and about the hundreds of friends and family of my past, I realize how many more stories are untold.
Each person's story was as valid as the other. Each story contributed a token of understanding about love. Each token indicated a unique facet of that invaluable jewel of the human race called love. With each token, understanding increased of the unfathomable riches that exist in love.
Near one Christmas, . . . oh, this is painful to recollect.
Near Christmas, a little over six months before our marriage, I wrote the following poem. We had been dating for over three months, seeing each other as many as five to six times a week.
Having never married, at 35, I possessed many dreams, hopes, and longings; many fears, illusions, and insecurities as well. Even to this day‑‑to me‑‑the poem seemed to express some of the cherished feelings I was having toward her. What a precious time that was. I can only include part of the poem and leave her name out.
What Kind of Wanderer
As light as a perfect snowflake in flight,
Floating along in the wisp of a cool wind—
Seems to be precious __?__ at first sight,
With a gait suggesting such a gentle blend.
Has ne'er before one with such bright grace come?
And who with so much kindness hath appeared?
What can a wanderer offer such a one,
But kind phrases through a heart having peered?
What kind of wanderer am I to look,
With longing gaze into kind hazel eyes?
Is there a place on earth outside a book,
To which such unspeakable goodness spies?
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . .
And from here I go on a lonely trek,
To find one with whom I can share my life,
Feeling like I have only found a speck,
From a gold-vein of love that may be rife.
Still much fear and doubt doth greatly assail,
Bringing this whole business of love to fore,
Causing me to quickly furl my small sail,
Lest I crash my raft on a rocky shore.
So who am I with this woman, __?__--
With which many seeds of love have been sown,
Bearing under a dream he doth carry,
Of a weary wanderer coming home?
Wherever we may go . . .
Six months later we married. A beautiful June day. Our divorce finalized a little over a year later. Before you lies the struggle of my heart, some expression of my pain, healing, and growth. Hope exists that some of the following might help another BrokenHeart. Though a BrokenHeart is a very individual affair, certainly containing many unique elements, I nevertheless believe there are many common points in pain and struggle.
There is no pain quite like that arising in a divorce, a divorce from those who married in love. For if one was lovingly married, can there be a truly full and final divorce from true love? I do not think so.
Regardless, if you are divorced and are having to face the reality of a future without . . . whoever . . . then dealing with the pain you are experiencing becomes an arduous task.
Is love possible after divorce? The answer to this large question is a resounding, "Yes!" Though we will not ever return to a previous stage of innocence, there is growth into a better person or at least a more knowledgeable person. Though a return to Eden is impossible and unrealistic, there can be healing enough to become a little wiser. Possibly a little more secure. Even a little more tough. The goal is to heal enough to regain the capacity to love again. Like God, to love despite the pain of rejection.
Be assured, no matter how much you loved, no matter how committed you were and no matter how much the marriage meant to you‑‑be very assured that progress towards healing does not mean you must lose the affection and love you have and had for your ex-spouse. If you read no other words, read and reread these.
In similar words, healing does not mean one has to shut out love or deny affection. Healing does not mean one must ignore deep pain. Certainly, healing may require redirection or withholding. Healing will certainly entail pain and growth. But healthy healing will not involve a great deal of denial.
What is love? Love has always been related to the nature of God. If in the image of God we as humankind were made, then what part of God do we as humankind possess? Likewise, to which single person in the universe can we ascribe the attribute of "eternal" and "eternal life" but God? Whatever true love is, then, includes the quality of eternity.
What is love? God's gift in Christ, certainly. 1 Corinthians 13 does not so much say what love ought to be as describe the quality of love in reality and in experience‑‑describing (in part) the very nature of God's own love, the nature of God's own person.
From 1 Corinthians 13, we see love is a deep and positive affection that endures. We also see that love is so much more than the sum of any accumulation of esteemed human qualities and greater than the sum of any amount of sacrificial giving. We see that any esteemed quality and every gift is nothing if love is not present. It could be said that love grants to life meaning and worth. Love is at least an inward feeling of positive regard that is committed and that endures despite all conflict.
As a human being, being physically finite and limited by sin, I will be lucky to experience love, a love like God gives with very many people on this planet. Fortunate is the person who has a handful of faithful friends and family, where something of God's love is experienced. Fortunate is the person who has one or three such intimate persons. The more intimate and the more close I come to someone, the more our love grows (as eternally given from and through God). Or we move away. However and nevertheless, as we are on this planet with its limitations and sinful obscurities, our God-given abilities are likewise limited. Even with a few, our closeness will be limited. Thank God for heaven.
We hope and have faith and do love as best we can. We can and will grow (Phil. 1:6, 1 Pet. 1:5-9, etc.); though now through a dark glass, then we shall see face to face. What will heaven be, but in part a release from these earthly limits and sinful obstacles? Surely a significant part of heaven will be the capacity to love without encumbrance.
Nevertheless and though limited, once the box of true love has been opened, can one ever close that box? Once the fountain of true love has sprung forth, can one shut it off? Should one? Even though two cannot live together, even through death, even through divorce, and even though the other party remarries‑‑what happens to love?
Can the love of God die? If not, can our love die?
What then becomes the task of the divorced who truly loved? To grieve. To find some amount of finality. To preserve love. To look toward healing. But most of all, the task of the divorced person is to empower the inward ability to love as God does.
Hard words. Tough words. Indeed. But one of the greatest aspects of God's love‑‑in relationships‑‑is that God has the ability to respect our freedom, even our freedom to leave Him. Even though His love for us never stops or diminishes.
The greatest proof of a sincere love in divorce is the ability to love even when reconciliation is not possible, to fully respect the freedom of the departed, and to love in spite of the rejection. To love as God loves. A true love allows freedom, for only in freedom can love be sincerely returned.
A great love will not bind, though it may cling. Search, but not obsess. Long for, but not pine away into self-destruction. Sacrifice, but not become enslaved. A true love will endure (1 Cor. 13).
A true earthly love has some eternal qualities.
How great is love? So great that it is the cause of the greatest kind of pain that God could experience‑‑the death of His son. So great that it is the cause of the greatest kind of pain that Jesus could experience‑‑rejection and torture and death by the hands of those he loved and for whose lives he died. How great is love? So great that it is one of the causes of the greatest kind of pain that humankind can experience‑‑the pain resulting from divorce.
If love has eternal qualities and love endures, then how painful is divorce?
Marriage is a lifetime commitment between two lovers. Divorce is a forced separation from the one you love. The biblical view of marriage does not ease the incredible pain one faces in divorce, whether or not you were the reluctant party. The higher the values and ideals you maintained about marriage and love, the greater the pain of divorce. For there is hardly a greater pain than a great love denied.
A recently divorced person cannot read a book like this very well. Only until some degree of finality has been reached will the divorced person be able to look toward healing. If he or she chooses to look toward healing at all.
Almost no loss can be more sensitive than divorce. Almost no emotional pain can be greater than divorce. There are similarities. But there are some very unique elements in the pain of divorce that are not shared in any other loss.
In our country divorce is common. It has increased in popularity over the last several decades. Even children know the basic statistics. From a secular view, one could even go so far as to say that divorce has become the legal means for changing sex and financial partners.
But there are many who view marriage seriously, as a life commitment. As the culmination of love. As the highest and most sacred means of sharing love. As the greatest level of intimacy possible between two human beings. That is the way the Bible describes marriage. I believe that this is the intuitive understanding of every good and generous human soul, written on the hearts of humankind from the beginning.
For those with the highest ideals of marriage, divorce hits the hardest. The higher the value of marriage, the greater the love, and the larger the role that God plays for the individual in marriage‑‑for this person, divorce hits the hardest. Right along with and even despite one's values and ideals, when love, truly eternal love is factored into the tragedy of divorce, there is no greater pain.
How broken is the heart? What value was placed in the marriage commitment? What value and understanding accompanied the institution of marriage itself? How great was the love? What was the role of God in the union? How much need for love existed?
Click, jam.
What does love have to do with divorce? Just about everything. The nature of love for the departed will define the degree of pain and the path of expression. In the path of expression there will be healing from the pain. As healing comes, there will be incredible self-discovery and a significant increase in social sensitivity.