Divorce is not a simple paper decree. Divorce is a process.
We have no choice, a tragic reality of the times.
Though death, disaster, torture, and divorce all have loss in common, each of these have unique elements in pain and suffering. Dire and evil tragedies like the Nazi Holocaust have elements of pain and loss that are unique and incomparable, even incomprehensible. Yet even among those who survived such atrocities, many relied in their darkest hours upon their memories and faith in cherished loved ones. In divorce, there is a loss to which even death cannot compare, for the very love of the loved one comes into question.
To wish it did not exist is a high-minded theological fantasy. To simply say that divorce is never a right thing to do is to ignore the human weaknesses and tragedies of both the marriage and the divorce. To remove divorce from the vocabulary of the Christian is to deny compassion due to those who have encountered a tragedy the likes of which has no equal.
Divorce happens.
Whether divorce is ever "absolutely" right is a question beyond the scope here. And out of scope for this reason: the need to find out the absolute right answer is of far less importance than dealing with the tragic reality of divorce itself. This was Jesus' concern.
To say "it could always be avoided if you were truly and biblically committed" is evil and uncompassionate. At the same time this attitude underwrites judgment and further highlights a superior attitude short or gravely misinformed about a true biblical love.
To remove separation and divorce from a couple's vocabulary is to hamper communication and often to endow one party with an enormous amount of power, if not make that party a dictator. To think about separating is tragic, indeed, but not wrong in itself. Denying the possibility may only increase the pain of the one caught in denial. Or force the other party into a denial that might translate into working on the denied conflict with someone else (be that counselor, friend, or paramour). Certainly, denying conversation only inhibits communication of pain.
Divorce is a reality that is sometimes unavoidable. Always a tragedy. And we are not talking about the divorce for inconvenience or for lack of love; here the great sin was prior to marriage in the marrying without great love.
No one is immune. Though I wish and hope and trust that some are. The statistics show that divorce is most common in the 1st year, the 4th through 6th years, and the 15th through 20th years. Those with few years of marriage are more apt to part than those with many years of marriage. There are very few divorces after thirty years.
Yet no one is immune. Divorce is a reality. Though I certainly wish and hope and trust for the best. Although I know some couples who I believe will be immune‑‑immune because of great love‑‑divorce is a reality of the times. A reality of tragic dimensions.
Facing the tragedy of divorce and looking toward healing demand a level of courage that will drain the very best out of our hearts. When children are involved . . . dear God . . . the task becomes even harder and often lasts a lifetime. The continual presence of the departed in the child's life would make divorce so much worse than a divorce where the departed was permanently absent.
Love is eternal. That eternal aspect of love is nourishing, comfortable and life-giving in the context of a committed and steadfast marriage. Yet, how can one risk the establishment of a new love that, if sincere and full, will also accumulate some eternal qualities in the next relationship? That is, if one looks ahead at all. The very best part of love, its eternal nature, also can foster a lot of fear this side of heaven.
We only have one heart to lose. And no one is truly strong enough to be so vulnerable as to fall into a deep love very many times, lose and survive with equal vulnerability each time. Our nature is given to distrust deeply after just a single loss.
The resolution that comes in a divorce is not a denial or absence of love for the departed. The resolution that comes in a healing from a divorce is a state of finality and acceptance of the separation‑‑a divorce‑‑in spite of the love. During such a time, if love is cultivated more than judgment, those mortally wounded in a love battle might find the warmth and concern so desperately needed to move on in healing and finality.
Divorce will be defined as the whole process wherein takes place the dissolution of a commitment between a biblically married couple: from the first thoughts of separation, to separation, through the courts, encountering the shock and pain, movement toward healing and finality, and then onward beyond some kind of finality.
Though the stages of grief are fairly common and accepted, the emotional stages of a divorce vary according to the unique nature of the individuals and their circumstances. Regardless, thoughts of separation are not really a part of the divorce until the latter stages of divorce arrive.
The pre-divorce stage is a time where re-negotiation and love-communication are the greatest needs. Ideally, the pre-divorce stage does not exist in a biblical marriage, for true love always looks toward resolution and reconciliation. That is, ideally.
In a divorce there are less than ideal forces at work, forces that are not conciliatory. In every marriage, many forces work against commitment and healthy communication. These forces work toward separation and conflict. Call these forces whatever you will: the Devil, the dark side, co-dependencies, neuroses, personal troubles/weaknesses, inferiority complexes, temptation, superiority complexes, sex, baggage, evil spirits, fears (reasonable and unreasonable), faulty hopes, inadequate expectations, family intrusions, peer pressures, lies, job demands, financial difficulties (or financial excess), tragedies of nature, or tragedies of evil.
The list does not have an end. The list of negative forces includes everything personal, social, and environmental that has been, currently is, and will be in the lives of each person as well as within the mutual life and bond they share. These less-than-ideal forces at work on this planet push people‑‑even reluctantly‑‑to consider separation that often leads to divorce.
Can one isolate and identify the negative forces? Is the secret of successful couples narrowed down to keeping the negative forces at bay? Yes, and yes again. Or does love play the significant part in negating the dark forces? Certainly. To some extent the dark forces must be faced. But there is peril.
A word of caution is prudent. Whenever a couple or one party in the couple isolate a single negative force as the cause of separation, usually that isolated negative force covers many other more serious forces or causes. The isolation of the negative force‑‑the “isolation” itself covers much conflict. Usually behind the isolated force or cause there hides a deeper pain or inadequacy. There is a denial of an uncommunicated betrayal. Or there is cloaked a more profound fear or weakness.
In my case, I was so afraid to admit my . . . and share my deep, deep fear of . . . and my feelings of inadequacy about . . . well . . . you know what I mean. She knows many of them. How I wish I had somebody I could trust with them all. Someone who would not only accept and caress the ones I gave, but would help me find the more hidden ones and caress them as well.
Do you know what I mean by all of this speculation? Then you too have been in the wasteland. All at once, I wish I had someone to hold. Her . . . yes. But, no, no, that will not work either.
Of course, she too wishes she could have trusted me with her feelings. I would like to believe that‑‑if only in part‑‑there are some areas of our lives that we did trust to each other.
We shared a lot. Not everything. I cherish what I learned of her, even what she does not know that I know.
For her too, I would like to suppose.
Whether reasonable or not, my hurt assails my trust.
The glory of intimacy is this: to be able to share everything or most of everything. To be able to share every weakness and fear with another. To share without a fear of harm. To share with the expectation of acceptance. To share with the expectation that a weakness will be caressed. The glory of intimacy is to be able to share in love, in a love that is to some extent exclusive and secretive. Mutually accepting and affirming. Tolerating and empowering.
Divorce is present today. Many forces contribute to the process that leads to divorce. The fuzzy area between thoughts of separation and the actual separation can be called the pre-divorce stage.
During the pre-divorce stage, "thoughts" and "talk" of separation need to be seen for the warning signals they are. If a couple misses these signals (or one party denies their significance), they are in deep trouble. Read on.
Are you in the early stage of divorce or pre-divorce stage? This stage is characterized by negotiation. Divorce or separation is considered (but not yet a reality or a kind of finality). If you are in the pre-divorce stage and negotiating, this book is not for you. Get a book on marital communication (see the bibliography).
Do not consider thoughts of separation as part of a divorce. At least for the time being. Your quarrels are not a divorce yet. For without a sense of finality from at least one party there is no divorce. View these contrary thoughts and heated emotions as sign posts or red flags or warnings of faulty love-communication. Work on the love-communication. With God and quality help many marriages can avoid divorce. If two share a true love, with help and commitment, their love can be communicated. Heed the warnings.
Let me say this again. "Thoughts" and "talk" of separation are the warning signals of the pre-divorce stage. If you did not see these signals of separation even after your divorce, read on. Try to look back and see the signals of separation. For seeing the signals of separation in the previous relationship will help you recognize the signals again when they raise their heads in another relationship.
If you are still married and you have picked up upon these warning signals of separation, put this book down and pick up a good book on marital communication or get a good counselor. This is not the book you need now, and you are wasting time that a responsible lover should spend elsewhere. Hop to it. If your car makes a clanging noise, what do you do? If you are actually in love, heed the warning.
One of the greatest tragedies inherent to divorce is that resolutions and finality never come quickly. Unless the marriage was obviously founded on faulty values and unreal dreams, founded upon convenience and not in love, then divorce will never come quickly—not ever. The very nature of love and the nature of marriage themselves preclude a quick dissolution, preclude a quick adaptation of heart and soul.
The heart will not let go.