VI
Why Do I Have Such Trouble?

1. Love Is Naturally Committed

During the pre-divorce stage reconciliation is the goal, simple and clear. This is the only biblical path. For a sincere couple this is the only path dictated from the very ideals of the couple themselves, dictated by the love between them. Love demands communication. Love is naturally committed.

Because of love's loyalty, this is what is meant when we say thoughts of separation are not really a part of divorce until the latter stages of the divorce arrive.

True love has a staying power in even the most horrid circumstances. A tail spin could easily be turned here. The nature and power of love will deny self and struggle through the most intense pain. This cannot be adequately dealt with here on this earth, much less in this small book. The point to make about the endurance of love in the discussion of the pre-divorce stage is that if true love is present then there is right along with the love a natural desire to endure:

one cannot separate love and endurance.

With emphasis again on the eternal, the very nature of love has permanence.

Another point to make about love in this stage is that, when a true love is evident, as the point of decision to separate moves closer, sooner or later there too will come a dividing of interests. That is, since a true love cannot be negated or erased, the

Decision to separate and the
Ability to survive the separation

will sooner or later come from another more powerful love.

Said in another way, in a sincere marriage, one loved his or her spouse supremely. In such a marriage where love is present, the decision to divorce then involves another love that at some point begins to supplant the love of the spouse.

For example, we would never say that convenience or some minor difficulty could ever supplant a true love. Only infidelity, abuse, betrayal, or some other kind of major conflict of interest could bring an alternate love into focus. What kind of alternate love? What kind of love could supplant the supreme love of a spouse? One's love for self-survival. Love for the children's health or safety.

In such a dilemma, the decision to separate begins to focus and to choose between two loves, both good and valid. A full discussion of the alternatives and their consequences is beyond our ability.

However, the task at hand is to detail the pain of divorce and chart a course toward healing. An understanding of the ethical complication of divorce may help those of sincere faith see how they or their spouses came to justify their decision. So we will digress briefly for a few paragraphs and touch the ethical complication. Then we can move into the substantial areas of healing.

2. The Ethical Dilemma of Justifying Any Divorce

Aside from the struggle of love, there is an ethical struggle which taxes the efforts of even the most erudite. In a nutshell, the ethical complication is in the difficulty of finding an absolutely "right" decision in any divorce (where marriage is meant to be permanent).

With regard to the "rightness" of any divorce or of the veracity of the whole discussion, wherever one goes, one factor necessarily arises in every dialogue. Where is the absolutely "right" choice? Most every biblical theology grants, permits, or tolerates a divorce for at least one reason. In the granting of any divorce, the complication of justifying the "rightness" of any divorce must also include this factor:

Sooner or Later, the decision involves a choice between two or more loves (like self, children, etc.) competing for supremacy; very much the choice between two or more good or right choices.

This choice between two or more seemingly good or right actions has a corollary or flip side. In the same breath, such a decision would also be a choice of the lesser of two evils which are the opposites of the perceived right actions.

Though some view adultery as the only reason for divorce, the point is that any grant of divorce violates the sanctity of marriage, and any grant therefore makes ethical "justification" a complex decision, at least complex from the pressure to choose among two or more good and right actions. For the decision to divorce is not simply legalistic if true love for the spouse, for the children or for the self are involved.

For example, in an abusive situation, the abused spouse chooses between two right actions and between two perceived evil actions. That is, number "1" is chosen over number "2," for whatever reason.

Right/Good Actions Wrong/Evil Actions

1. Self-Survival Divorce
2. Marriage Submission to Danger

Both self-survival (the greater good) and divorce (the lesser evil where marriage is meant to be inviolable) are chosen over a marriage (lesser good that threatens life) and submission to danger (lesser evil).

This is not justifying divorce, nor is it sanctioning divorce for any kind of petty abuse. To recall the complication presented above and the biblical view of divorce, we are saying that any decision to divorce will entail a great number of complications. Love gives no other option. Primarily, the ethical complication stems from competition between the love of the spouse/marriage and the love of survival. Regardless, the pull of love will not allow a simple choice between numbers one and two, for love is not a "numbers" game.

We are not talking about an ability to fully justify any divorce. Nor are we talking about an ability to justify the biblical staying power of every marriage where infidelity and abuse and danger to life are rife. What we are talking about is the depth of complexity as a whole, which is beyond full justification this side of heaven. For. this side of heaven, we will have divorce and have to deal with the divorced, just as Jesus did. The point for us is that if you are in a divorce, or have gone through a divorce, there is hope and biblical redemption and even the possibility of a valid and biblical marriage in the future‑‑no matter what your past.

All this points out the grave inadequacy of the fallacious reasoning that will defends divorce for the abused and then in the same breath decries divorce in broad categorical statements. Some folk are just too mighty in their judgment seats and simply miss the pain and complexity of it all, most especially because they have never been there or truly loved anyone who has been there. Or they have missed the biblical message all together.

More to our task and said more politely, any marriage that was entered with true love and under the highest biblical aspirations will not dissolve into divorce easily, without a great deal of pain, or without extreme complication‑‑at least emotionally and ethically.

3. The Pre-Divorce Stage: A Mortally Wounded Soul

The nature of the pre-divorce stage is this: A massive struggle of heart is taking place within at least one party of the divorce, most likely both parties. The struggle is with love, ethics, and faith. If the question, the contemplation, and the ramifications of divorce are difficult for those schooled in the Bible, in ethical theory, and in theological integrity, then how much more complicated will such a struggle be for those without such knowledge and experience? "Downright heart-rending," I declare.

At this juncture, then, it is well to go with the example of Jesus who never let go of the ideal, yet at the same time did not venture very far into condemnation or very far into the debate about divorce in his day. Jesus placed a premium upon the care of wounded souls.

But enough of this. Our concern is for the divorced. Some had no choice. Regardless of how "right" any divorce may be, the tragedy before us is the multitudes of divorces. For as we have been doing, we will be debating the ethics of "justifying" divorce until our Lord's return, debating the exact point of exposition. Before our Lord's first coming and until his second coming, divorce has been a tragic and complex reality nevertheless.

We know what the "ideal" is, but we have never had the ideal. What is comforting is that Jesus could have but did not make the issue clear and easy for the critical and legalistically minded who are want to judge others. Jesus spoke more to care of the wounded souls and less to the pharisees

Our focus is on the tragic reality of divorce.

The pre-divorce stage comes to a close after a massive struggle of heart. After a struggle with love, ethics, and faith, at least one party makes the decision to separate. A new direction has begun. One party crossed the invisible barrier. For that party, the pre-divorce stage has become part of a divorce. Without exception, only one party can cross at a time, after which the other catches up.

No matter who crossed first, both parties may not have seen or followed up on the warning signals evident in the pre-divorce stage. Or perhaps one party did heed the signals, and the other failed to respond. Regardless, the moment one party makes a sincere decision to separate, the pre-divorce stage becomes a part of a divorce for both parties. This is the beginning of a divorce.

Does this sound too elementary or obvious? Maybe. The reason for such a basic lesson is show the point-of-no-return. While rather easy to see in retrospect, when we are in the throes of pain and sorrow, it is hard to see the point-of-no-return. And the point-of-no-return is supposed to be hard to see if true love and a biblical marriage were important. For those in the healing process, looking back and noting the approximate time and state-of-feeling when the point-of-no-return arrived will help better clarify a pathway out of the Black Forest of grief.

Once this point-of-no-return has come, there is an overlap between the pre-divorce and shock stages, for the shock stage begins in the second party. The first party has already dealt with some kind of shock that has led to the decision. Once the decision is made by one party, the divorce process has begun. Though the second party hears decision, the seriousness may not be immediately recognized and may take a little while to settle into the heart. But once the decision settles deep inside the second party's heart, the couple has moved fully into the shock stage of divorce. See figure 2 below.

Fig. 2: Struggle with a BrokenHeart: Shock Stage

So the shock stage begins well after first party has been working through some amount of shock and when the second party fully began to deal with the shock of the first party's decision. In some divorces, the first party may have already progressed to the struggle with finality before the second party even entered the shock stage. This would predominate in the victims of multiple divorces. In that case, the shock stage for each party may separated by completely different time frames.

How does all of this pertain to the grieving who are in the boundary between the pre-divorce stage and actual decision to separate? At the very least, all of the ethical and emotional debating of any divorce‑‑at the very least, all of this debating brings to light the added burden within the conscience of the sincere Christian. In addition to severe grief, the Christian is also debating with conscience, drawing on all understanding or lack thereof. The struggle to do right continues in tandem with and even in spite of the inner struggle with grief. The struggle continues with whatever they understood about the biblical ideals and demands and with whatever lifetime meaning that marriage and commitment had been cultivated throughout life.

If the "Laws of God" are written upon the hearts of believers, how much greater will be the pain within the soul of the one with only a meager understanding of the Scriptures? Within the soul of the one with likewise meager facility in language and logic? Even those educated in the vagaries of theological dilemmas would encounter the impossibility of it all, and that would lead to depression at least. Nevertheless, what do education and understanding and brain power have to do with matters of the heart?

This--

Explanations mean Nothing to the BrokenHeart. Explanations and textbooks in and of themselves are No more good for the BrokenHeart than they are for a broken or amputated leg.
Understanding by others and understanding by self, while better than nothing, still do nothing.
Only understanding coupled with skilled care will make a difference. That is why a medical doctor can help the skinned knee of a child, but
Only the mother can provide solid and life-giving comfort and alleviate fear.

Said in another way, there are many pains: the pain involved in the threat of loss, the pain of the threat of separation from the one you love, the pain in the negotiation of the future, and in the pain of having to confront the spouse and others about such a tragic separation. In addition to all of these pains, the added pain of conscience impinges upon the dedicated in an attempt to solve the ethical riddle of just what is "absolutely right" or best or the least wrong. The religious element wreaks a havoc all its own.

If any divorce is sanctioned or tolerated, any reason will complicate the justification from a biblical theology. Most of us would allow for a divorce in adulterous or abusive situations, and good number would allow divorce for other reasons of severe conflict. Moving beyond a simple justification toward an "absolute" justification, any divorce becomes an esoteric affair at best if not an impossibility.

The rest of us just have to go on without all of the answers.

4. A Primer on the Shock Stage

One party in the marriage has come to at least a confident decision of divorce, and the information has been taken into the soul. Though the decision has gone into the heart and soul, the heart and soul are still struggling with the reality of it all. The first and most obvious stage of a divorce is shock and dismay and confusion.

If you are in the shock stage where the tragic reality of it all is still beating on your soul, tearing at your mind, and ripping at your heart, this is not the book for you right now. Confusion might be increased.

As it was for me, maybe it was for you. Just like in the pre-divorce stage where love-communication is the greatest need, during the shock stage I needed someone to talk to, someone to be with who was not judgmental. In the shock stage, most of my struggle and most of my reading had a secret agenda. I read to solve our problems, solve her problems, or solve my problems.

The struggling and reading attempted reconciliation. Nothing was read in view of healing from the separation. Nothing was read in order to adjust to the loss. For in the shock stage, within my mind I perceived the loss and understood the reality of the separation. But in my heart I did not want to accept the loss.

So if you are in the shock stage, this book has an agenda that is incompatible with where you want to go in love, which is somewhere closer to the one you love. This book's design is to help you in the struggle with adaptation to the loss while love remains in the heart. This book is not meant to help you get back together. If you are wanting to get back together, again I suggest, look to books about love-communication. The only thing you will get out of this book in the shock stage is more ammunition to judge your spouse more harshly or to more severely wound your own self-esteem.

If you are in the shock stage, do go and find someone with a compassionate ear: pastor, counselor, friend. Talk or write a lot. Draw. Scream. Paint. Sew. Sing. Cry. That is where you really want to be‑‑communicating your pain somehow with someone who loves you. They do not even need to love you to be effective if they will just accept you and listen to you. You need to be accepted right now in all of your craziness, need to be accepted just as you are with all of your pain and confusion.

Express yourself. Somehow to someone. Or through some thing.

In the shock stage you need to talk and resonate your positive and negative feelings. Keeping these powerful feelings locked up breeds trouble. You need to ventilate, need to talk, need to share; and you need several to share with if possible.

Once you are in the throes of an actual divorce, arriving at a sense of finality is still a long way off. In the shock stage, the finality of separation is quite naturally not allowed into the mind and heart. Love just does not let go easily. In the shock stage, confusion is natural‑‑natural.

5. The Difference Between True Love & Obsession

A large difference exists between a quality love and a selfish obsession. The most prominent difference between these is in the respect given to the object of one's love. There is little difference between obsession and possession. Likewise, there is little difference between love and respect.

A quality love can handle rejection without exacting revenge. A quality love will respect the right of the other to leave. A quality love will always want the best of the departed.

An obsessive love will hurt the departed rather than loose them. An obsessive love wants to exclude and deny the individuality of the departed, will not respect the right of the departed to leave. An obsessive love has trouble or simply will not understand how the departed can live without the obsessed, or how it might be in the best interests of the departed to leave. There is a total kind of selfishness in obsession that ignores the feelings and rights of the object. That is, the obsessed lover loves an object that is to be owned exclusively by the obsessed.

A quality love so esteems the individuality and value of the loved one that the lover will almost deny his or her own life rather than offend the loved one. A quality love will respect the departed's wishes. If the departed thinks it is best to leave, outside of expressions of sorrow and deep longing, a quality love will wish them the best. For a quality love‑‑owning their own person‑‑will persuade, but never coerce.

Obsession in the abuser or abused is the sign of a very weak character or of something more severe, often indicating a previous trauma in the past. In obsession there is a tight control that allows little individuality, for the obsessed needs the control in order to retain wholeness. Respect is demanded but not returned. The obsessed has trouble seeing anything but his or her own needs.

In a quality love there is a focus on the real and valid needs of another, including their need for departure. In a quality love there is a freedom within a responsible commitment.

6. Love Does Not Let Go Easily

While an actual divorce is being negotiated, the heart keeps up a good or high percentage of hope. The heart maintains a hope and dream of reconciliation. As long as hope and the dream persist, you have not stepped off onto the road of healing. This is also all right and natural. Love just does not let go easily. No one would have it any other way.

Meditate on this. Take a walk on this. Write it on the door posts of your house. Love just does not let go easily. Say this to yourself. If you are in love and going through a divorce, it hurts. Your love will not let go. You are a human being and in love. And your love will not let go easily.

To any person who says, "Just let go," change the conversation or just walk away. They are short on understanding or lack experience in true love. Or, like those who faint at the sight of blood, your pain is causing them to become squeamish. So rather than be with you in your pain, like the truly compassionate, they will help you deny your wound altogether.

This is about as helpful as telling someone with a traumatic or open wound‑‑like a chain saw accident to the leg‑‑"just ignore the pain, it will go away soon enough, and you will be all right."

Quite to the contrary, I would suggest that having such an open wound would be preferable to experiencing the loss of a loved one anytime. In deaths I have witnessed and helped communicate, more than once a surviving party has questioned why death could not have befallen them instead of the departed loved one. If we would prefer some physical damage over the loss of someone dear to our heart, how much more care is demanded in such a heart-love loss?

Again‑‑it is natural to hang on. That is what love does. If you are here in this stage, struggling to hang on, then you are valuable and wholesome and a healthy person because your love will not let go easily. Only by knowing the tenacity of love will your pain decrease over time, maybe over a long time.

For now, get with somebody if you can, for the pain will not go away quickly. Get with someone who will help apply pressure to your bleeding heart before you bleed to death. The most effective balm to a bleeding heart, the warmest comfort to the cold pain of loss in the shock stage, is to resonate your feelings with someone who cares and who can listen with acceptance.

Of course, beware of the predators.

It is natural for a good and healthy love to endure, for a quality love to hang onto hope.

As you experience the good love of others‑‑in a lengthy amount of time‑‑you will grow. But for now, know and meditate on the fact that a quality love does not let go easily and that this is very natural.