Not so much "credentialed" in the normal use of that word (though schooling may certainly play a part), but credentialed through the trials of life to qualify as a listener with a kind and warm heart. Someone who will listen patiently.
Wherever you are‑‑in the pre-divorce or shock stage‑‑do note that finding a confidant to share your hurt and pain is the best and most healthy way to handle your pain during these trials. During either of these stages, it is crucial to find someone who is non-judgmental, open, and kind, who values your marriage but does not bind you.
So much more than mere degrees and titles, this is the "credentialed" person.
Here is the paradox of healing. One day your future survival is your stronghold to sanity, yet the possibility of reconciliation tears up that positive future. Another day your hope for reconciliation is your stronghold to sanity, yet the possible permanence of separation tears up that positive hope in reunion. Let me explain.
If you are in the frame of feeling where the dream and hope of reconciliation outweigh the finality of separation‑‑well, so be it. The "frame of feeling" is not wrong. You really do not want healing, not deep down, and that is where you are. You have love for your spouse that pulls and tugs. Allow yourself the struggle, and do not let someone rush you. Allow your spouse the struggle. Likewise, on your bad days when fear of reconciliation impinges, do not let anyone deprive you of the possibility of a permanent divorce and some future healing.
And vice versa, where finality of feeling in divorce outweighs the dream reconciliation, it is not wrong to see the feel the finality, even though a residual wish for reconciliation is also present. Beyond and in spite of reconciliation, love for your future and your love for survival pulls and tugs. Allow yourself the struggle, and do not let someone rush you.
Likewise, on those days when the possibility of reconciliation seems to impinge harder, do not let anyone deprive of the thoughts of possible reconciliation. But if you have fully moved into the shock stage, then you are‑‑in reality‑‑dealing more with the finality of separation and reconciliation is more a dream than a viable possibility. Just do not be pushed, for though the mind is strong, the heart is harder to heal.
Those who rush you have no understanding of your pain. Oftentimes they rush you to avoid their own pain in the viewing your dilemma. Not only is your dilemma and pain a struggle to you, it is also a struggle for them.
These persons are not always shallow. Some persons have trouble being of help because of their own past or because they just do not have the ability to listen well. Some believe that a strong will-power can move mountains. Often it does. When pushed, though, such a strong will-power often moves you into the extremes of stoic indifference, deep self-pity, or a wayward inadequacy.
But some persons are shallow, and they would rush you and push you to get over your problems so they can talk about the happy things in life that concern them. In either case, note that at this particular time, the real you is just not important to shallow people. Respect them, for they are human too and may not be able to walk with you during this moment. Regardless, do not be pushed.
Oh, how confusing it all becomes.
Be aware that‑‑no fault of theirs‑‑some persons just cannot be of help. You will experience more pain and confusion in the false and illusory belief that everyone you talk to can be of help. That everyone can understand. Trying to talk to someone who does not, cannot, or simply will not try to understand can be very painful. That is not the worst. These one-sided and limited persons may even be detrimental to the marriage, the divorce, or the reconciliation, whichever may be ultimately best for you.
Move on to a warm listener, to someone who‑‑without making you feel more guilty‑‑can truly hear and be with all of you in your pain. Find someone who can be with both sides of you. These actions will reveal the "credentials" of the truly caring person you need.
You can find them in a variety of places. Look hard. There is someone who can be with you when you hate your spouse and be with you when you love your spouse. Who can be with you when you want to move to the moon and when you will do anything to get your spouse back. When you want to cry or be angry.
At church. A grandmother. A professional counselor. A good friend. A neighbor. A work associate. A stranger in a convalescent home. There are several places.
One day in a park I struck up a conversation with a perfect stranger. He was visiting from out of town and would be returning to his home in another state after his surveying was complete. He was a good listener. Had been divorced himself. Did not laugh at my confusion, but seemed to understand it. Judging him somewhat trustworthy and believing that I would never see him again, I vented much. I slept very well that night.
Find someone who can be Jesus to all of you in your pain. This person will help you take responsibility. This person will help you and your inner self sort through the communication difficulties in the pre-divorce stage. The listening and compassion of this person will help your movement through the shock stage. You will be able to find the finality you need to look toward healing.
One cannot rush the healing of an open wound or a broken limb or an amputation. So many would testify that they would certainly rather have such a wound like an amputation than a permanent separation from the one they love. I did. I even thought of hurting myself. For in some kind of crazy way, so the reasoning went, maybe the physical pain would numb the emotional pain. Or the self-punishment would relieve or even exonerate me (us) from my (our) human weaknesses.
Years later I could see the foolishness of such thinking. Do not let someone rush you and do not rush yourself.
How on earth can a broken limb be rushed in healing? How can the healing of an amputation be rushed? Obviously, only a quack doctor would say that the rushing of healing in such wounds was possible. Then how on earth can a separation from the one you love be rushed in healing? How can healing from a broken heart be hurried? If a physical wound cannot be rushed beyond competent medical care, and if such physical wounds are less tragic than emotional wounds, then how can one even think a BrokenHeart can be rushed into healing?
To rush the BrokenHeart is a crime against nature in the fullest and most felonious sense. I think. But then again, sometimes everyone could be indicted for the wish to rush. How confusing.
As with an open wound or broken limb or amputation, such healing can only come in its own time. As we endure the pain and suffer the adaptation. As God works. Such healing wounds can be succored and bandaged as certainly as they can be aggravated and made to fester, swell, and blister. Nevertheless, only longsuffering and gentle and caring concern can provide the balm and calm a BrokenHeart needs to become whole again‑‑never new and fresh, but indeed whole again. Adapted to a new and different and certainly harsher world. Of course, in and through such environments God often works best.
So, do not be rushed.
All in all, divorce is hard on the soul. There is no simple or easy way to encounter it. Depending on how close you were with the friends and family of your marriage, the divorce could be an ordeal for all parties.
But for you. For me. When one loses a dream, when one loses a cherished love‑‑life simply does not get any worse than this. The loss of a limb or the loss of a loved one or even the loss of a spouse by death‑‑all of these are tragic. But a full and final divorce between true loves has most all of the elements in grief in death and so many other elements.
In a way, divorce and loss are worse than physical pain (in a way). There are many who say they would rather contemplate physical pain in preference to divorce. Though physical pain has it's own kind of terror, "How can I live without . . . whoever?" is the question asked of the famished soul. Tragic. Blatant is the rejection. Divorce often leads the heart-sick individual to think about self-destruction or violence as an alternative to facing squarely the internal workings of a love-sick BrokenHeart.
When faced with such pain, more men are prone to outward expressions of violence and more women are prone to destruction of their own self-esteem. An overly simplistic reason could be that more men are prone to obsession than women; a selfish need to force conformity or deny the needs of another boosts a fragile ego. Another overly simplistic reason could be that more women are prone to dependency than men; the need to have one's self-esteem tied to the success or affirmation of a male breeds an almost intolerable sense of inadequacy in proportion to the threat of loss.
Seeing the tragedy for what it is‑‑the very nature of the Shock Stage‑‑is in fact the first step to overcoming it. Struggling with finality itself is the next stage, a stage in which one can easily become entrenched.
What is the time frame for settling into singlehood, beginning the pursuit of remarriage, or a healthy negotiation of reconciliation? It will vary according to the depth of love, the perceived amount of risk, and the quality of communication. Months for some. Years for others.
Do note this with certainty, and scratch this indelibly on the mind: "time" is irrelevant. Healing and your future is what is relevant. The time restrictions placed upon you by others is not. If no two persons are alike, then the time they serve will not be alike either.
There are instances in which some measurement can be helpful. If one pines away at the loss for over a decade, then we can say something is not right. There are some time constraints to an amputation or broken leg which will give a diagnosis and indicate healing is healthy or not. Though dissimilar, there nevertheless are some time-boundaries to healthy grief. Unfortunately, because grief is more spiritual and psychological and less physical, the boundaries are so much more individual, and there are so many more variables.
The common thread in all grief is the need for the person sooner or later to take some personal responsibility in the resolution. The healthy resolution sought in divorce is a place of finality with regard to the dissolution of a relationship founded in love. How will the relationship dissolve? How will you and I live without the persons we love? If love is eternal, how will love survive? The "unhealthy" struggle with finality pushes a person into a deeper level of bitterness, indifference or self-pity. The "healthy" struggle with finality allows the person's heart to grow toward a place of higher loving. The one sabotages life, the other nurtures life.
The courage to face true healing and adaptation is the courage to face one's inner self with honesty. Wherever we are. Remarriage or singlehood or reconciliation‑‑these choices are not so much the issue. The issue is gaining courage to face the pain squarely, admitting as much as possible the parts played is the issue. The courage to face the broken dream. The courage to face the future without . . . whoever. The courage to face who you actually are in the present is the issue. The courage to take responsibility for who you will be in the future is the issue. "Time" is irrelevant.
To view any tragedy as an opportunity is almost sacrilegious and offensive.
Not from an opportunist's frame of reference, but rather as a matter of course in the event of life, I say, face your divorce. If you have to face a divorce, why not make the most of it (what an impossible and unempathic thing to say! Could this be another paradox to healing?). The greater experiences and highest learning come often through the greatest pain when the human heart has been pushed to its very limits.
Do not confuse here the strength of the will to face divorce with the strength to express and search the heart. The former is often denial, while the latter is growth.
Finding a credentialed person takes courage. Facing the pain takes courage. Such efforts cannot be clocked. Healing can only be helped or hindered, not timed. A time limit cannot be placed on healing. Yet in the same breath, perhaps several years down the road, know that there can come a point where healing took too long if a healthy adaptation has not taken place. The point is that healing cannot be rushed, and if one is to adapt then it will take courage.
Though I married late in life, this was not my first tragedy or first great loss. But I have felt pushed again to the limits. No, I would not wish any of this on anyone. And I certainly envy those who have kept a strong love for decades, especially envy those who were able to carry that love with them for the duration of their lives. That is what marriage is all about‑‑sharing a growth in love which is also a growth in understanding and devotion throughout a lifetime. How precious that is. Beyond calculation, I say.
But I missed that.
I am divorced and have lost a precious love. With the loss, I have lost the ability to commit as I would have the first time around. That is my permanent loss, as it were, like my loss of a leg to amputation.
Nevertheless, I have gained some insight and grown broader in heart and soul. The map of life has more beacons than before. Because of the pain, when I hear of a divorce my heart skips in sync with empathy. I never knew that feeling before. When I see a rejection or here someone say, "it is the end of the world," I clinch my teeth and press my tongue against the roof of my mouth. Because of the rejection, I am so much more careful with my words than before. Because of the hopelessness, I am so much more insecure than before‑‑and a great deal less reckless.
I do not know all of what I have become, for I am still growing. Some country and western songs have a fresh potency. Those old love songs that I have always cherished, when I hear them now‑‑oh, my God, have mercy‑‑they are like fresh flowers one day and like broken glass in my palms the next day. What can I say?
At the same time and in the same breadth, I want to say and claim and wish that we had never met; then again say, with a pause, I wish we had never separated. Yet the learning? How I cherish the learning. I would have never, ever learned it otherwise.
For this I thank her. I think? This kind of dialogue truly drives me crazy.
What kind of growth has already taken place? What kind of growth is taking place? Where will I go with all of this growing? I am afraid now. Afraid to know the future. I am not sure I want to grow anymore if I cannot ease the pain right now.
Oh, how I could spin some words here. What is important is that I am a better person for having known my ex-wife. The loss will make a better person yet.
One thing I have learned is that through it all, I cannot go back and change the past. The present is what it is. Painful. Growing. Cherished. The memories are precious. The scars noble. While my mind cannot tolerate the speculation of the "what if" game for long, I can dwell in the present, cherish the growth, and look ahead to wherever I may go.
Whatever is going on is and will be permanent. I cannot change that. I cannot change the past or where I have come. But perhaps I can influence the outcome.
So, I must note the permanent scar.
We lead into it slowly, for we dread the thought that anything good could come from such a horrendous and painful experience. This positive something is the potential for growth. "The potential for growth?" you ask and summarily demand, "I want healing from the pain. I am not in this for my health or pleasure. I did not sit down and think about how much this would help me." As an afterthought, you throw in, "This is killing me. If this is growth, then I want to be a midget."
As soon as the mention of it, there might be the temptation to close the chapter, place the period, and move on. But to where will you go?
I know the feeling. I would go anywhere but toward a recollection of the pain. Anywhere but where I know I needed to go. Anywhere but where true hope and healing gleam.
The pain will never go away on its own. If left to itself or denied, just like an open wound, broken limb, or amputation, it will get infected, fester, and make movement toward healing very difficult. If denied for years, it just might cripple. But it is never too late to deal with the pain.
Any such movement toward a higher level of loving takes an enormous amount of courage. Beware, for courage itself can become an excuse. This courage is often confused with the courage to remarry or the courage to remain single for life. Not that either remarriage or singlehood are wrong. Nothing can be farther from the truth. But once you begin to prove you can marry or prove that you can validate your singlehood; once the attitude and resolutions themselves become the source of your courage, the means of proving your worth, well, beware.
Such rattling as this can carry on forever.
Singleness? Remarriage? Reconciliation? If one becomes entrenched in either one of these, without a sense of healing and finality from whatever precipitated the divorce and brokenness‑‑well then, this is certainly a misplaced courage indeed.
I wish I had a joke to place right here. Something to break the ice and distract for a moment. For talking about this can exhaust a listener rather quickly. It all was very hard to write as well.
It does not matter how you experienced your divorce. No matter if it was forced upon you. No matter whether you had to force it upon your spouse. No matter. Neither does it matter what your religion might have to say. If the tragic reality of divorce has in fact come your way, divorce can become a challenge of growth and learning.
The trustfulness of one's first youthful love will never be fully recovered. Yet on the positive side of finality, the ability to risk some trust often returns. Maybe even to a returning spouse. More than this, regardless of the trust, one will be able to move into a higher level of living and loving, like God, beyond the bounds of trust.
May God forbid the alternative, where your divorce hurt and damaged you and your faith. May God so work in order to prevent entrenchment on the negative side of finality. May God so work that your divorce becomes a time for growth.
There is a very hardy principle to living in a biblical faith, and it also happens to be a principle of life in general: trials can strengthen, trials can make you a better person.
Are these words trite?
Why do these words cause such pain?
Even though divorce can be the most painful experience a man or woman can endure, divorce can nevertheless become a challenge to growth and learning. Or let me say it this way‑‑friend, if you have to go through the pain of divorce, why not try to learn from it?
If the challenge can be taken, one can grow. Life by its very nature offers opportunities for growth in every relationship. We must be mindful and continually remember that we cannot expect another person to be perfectly whole. We cannot expect perfection from anyone anymore than we can expect such from ourselves.
Sometimes we need to be reminded of our humanity and that all of life is a continual process of growth. If divorce has come your way, though all the world may seem to have ended, do know that within even the great tragedy of divorce there lies an opportunity. There lies an opportunity to learn some of the most amazing things about life, about others, and most of all about your inner self.
Or . . . if you do not want to be a better person, but want to be an angry, bitter, lonely‑‑then you certainly will be. And crusty piece of bark you will certainly remain. These kind of resignations are the surest kinds of self-fulfilling prophecies. Stagnate and smolder if you wish, or you might be saying, as you have no choice. Or deny it all and run to the first pair of open arms. Regardless, pushing beyond the negative side of finality is not easy for anyone.
God has, can, and wants to provide (I Corinthians 13, James 1, 1 Peter 1). If you are negotiating finality and you would attempt to work toward adaptation and healing, then you will have to believe that healing is possible and take some amount of responsibility in the movement. Mount some kind of courage, even if only a little. God will use what you give. You cannot rush the healing of a BrokenHeart. Not weeks, months or even years. But you have to begin with just a little courage to take up the challenge of growth.
So how do you find some courage at the end of the world? The beginning point is within the heart where the mind places the first intentions to be courageous. God will use what you give. "Yes" may be all that you can give at the moment. So be it. That is the beginning.
Find someone who will listen and encourage the you. This is the balm God most often provides and through which He most often works.
As movement towards healing comes, one is released onto the positive side of finality. With God's help, forgiveness is experienced deep inside the wounded soul. And a better and more wholesome inner life ensues, stronger than before. Self-esteem returns. Hope becomes real again. God makes the broken arm useful again or grants strength in adaptation to the amputation. You and I begin to love our inner selves again. Never like before. But with a new life nevertheless.
The movement toward healing is in part a movement toward loving others and your ex-spouse despite the divorce and whatever precipitated it (and whatever might have resulted). A movement toward loving whether or not trust is present. Like the love of God.
A higher level of love? Singlehood? Remarriage? Reconciliation?