How do the pains of death and divorce compare?
In love and in finality. In universality and in uniqueness.
First the unique and greater pain of divorce will be compared to death, then the unique and greater pain of death will be compared to divorce.
The task in grief is‑‑like love itself‑‑universal and unique. All the artists, musicians, poets, authors, and scientists inform us, each one contributing to the vast accumulation of data about love and life. Everyone of any kind of maturity has encountered some kind of deep grief, and each person shares an element with everyone else. Yet in the same breath, like fingerprints and retina scans, each grief is unique to the person.
In the tragic loss of divorce the person has to struggle to see an end to the heart-struggle. Divorce does not have a ready finality. In death a great love would naturally begin to immortalize the departed, whereas in divorce the departed is speculated upon without end. In great love, death seals the affection, but in divorce the affection is interrogated by each party.
Where death would enshrine and immortalize a dream, a divorce shatters mutuality and destroys a previously shared vision. Divorce forces one into the future and down a road totally unprepared and unanticipated. Not so in death.
The greater the love, the higher the perceived mutuality, and the longer the time of the marriage, therein, the divorce forces a proportionately greater change in life goals. This is all the more true if there are children.
Indeed, one's family and friends are the most precious and cherished possessions of life, the very substance of goals and aspirations. Divorce devastates these life goals and heretofore permanent aspirations. Divorce does not just devastate, but divorce throws us into the cold, dark night to begin again with an entire renegotiation of the future.
Finality is protracted. A total change in life-goals is demanded. What a resource a family can be. How much more a tragedy divorce is for those without an extended and steadfast family.
I just came from a funeral of a co-worker, a fine family man. The sanctuary was full. Many family and friends attended. Someone lost a husband of many years. Two preteen boys lost a father. Some parents lost a son. Some grandparents lost a grandson. All in the one death.
What makes death more painful than divorce? The sheer, cutting finality of death pierces heart and soul. The loss is absolute and final.
In both death and divorce there are situations in which the event would be a release from a bondage. An abusive marriage. A painful and protracted terminal disease.
When a great love is involved, there enters into the grief the issue of finality. In death, finality hits hard and hits immediately.
Very similar to divorce, in death where great love was present there is no recovery, only an adaptation similar to the resetting of a broken bone or the healing of an amputation. Adaptation is slow. No one ever heals from an amputation. There is a permanent and irretrievable loss. When the heart settles its struggle, the departed loved one who died is immortalized, and the love between the living and the departed is concretized, sealed forever.
In divorce, the departed can still be loved and honored. In death, the loved one is gone. The dead are no longer in the land of the living. The relationship freezes. There are no more opportunities for amendments or improvements. The value of life itself adds a pain to death that is not present in divorce.
The following poem expresses a moment of grief. I had lost my father and grandfather within two years. During this hour, I had lost a loved friend and had read about several other brutal deaths that week. In that moment, I felt caught and impelled by time.
The Dirge
Difficult, That worth beyond replacement,
All effort expended, Must be an
investment in relation,
Insufficient to the task, A deposit in
friendship,
Can words express an adequate dirge? A venture in risk.
Ice on summer pavement melts, That worth beyond replacement,
Mountain streams flow fast, Must be a tether to life,
The light at dusk fades, A surety against
loneliness,
At morning comes another day. And an empathetic word in old
age.
The pace of time in transit, And the dirge proceeds,
The present does not exist, To do the impossible,
Yesterday is history, With words
infinite in selection,
Tomorrow is yesterday in waiting. To express sorrow unlimited in
depth.
The clocks tick, And time passes, but won't
leave,
The hearts beat, The investment gone, still
taxes,
Seasons change, The tether broke, still
pulls,
And tears fall. The irretrievable loss,
can't leave.
What's the worth of a child, The dirge ends as it
began,
The paramount price, Truncated in
expression,
The greatest treasure, Impotent in
comfort,
The very most important part? Pointing to God, the only
hope.
I demand to know-- Would that
it could end,
As the ice melts, Knowing
that it can't,
As time is in transit, Desiring that
it helps,
And as the clocks tick. But how on earth,
can it express . . . ______ ?
With the loss of a great love in death, the mind forces upon the soul‑‑eventually‑‑the eternal nature of the loss. Words fail to do justice to the loss. Though they can fly and express like the wind, words are still so inadequate to articulate the deep sorrow of a heart-love loss in death (or divorce). The finality of death is so certain and unquestionable. Love aches for the lost one. Tears purge the soul.
A warm hug is like balm. The hand of a family member or friend like gold.
How deep and tragic is the death of a spouse who was cherished? The death of a parent who was lauded and honored for thirty to fifty years? The death of a child who for ten or twenty years was the pride of life to the parents? We try, but there are not enough words. Love like this is beyond description. So much more the loss. Love would have it no other way, for in great love there is great pain. Among the many and varied ways of coping, the heart at least makes a readjustment that immortalizes the departed.
Finality is absolute and immediate. An invaluable earthly life has ended.