During the pre-divorce stage
reconciliation is the goal, simple and clear.
This is the only biblical path.
For a sincere couple this is the only path dictated from the very ideals
of the couple themselves, dictated by the love between them. Love demands communication. Love is naturally committed.
Because of love's
loyalty, this is what is meant when we say thoughts of separation are not
really a part of divorce until the latter stages of the divorce arrive.
True love has a staying power
in even the most horrid circumstances.
A tail spin could easily be turned here. The nature and power of love will deny self and struggle through
the most intense pain. This cannot be
adequately dealt with here on this earth, much less in this small book. The point to make about the endurance of
love in the discussion of the pre-divorce stage is that if true love is present
then there is right along with the love a natural desire to endure:
one cannot separate love and endurance.
With emphasis again on the eternal, the very nature of love has permanence.
Another point to make about
love in this stage is that, when a true love is evident, as the point of
decision to separate moves closer, sooner or later there too will come a
dividing of interests. That is, since a
true love cannot be negated or erased, the
Decision to separate and the
Ability
to survive the separation
will sooner or later come from another more powerful love.
Said in another way, in a
sincere marriage, one loved his or her spouse supremely. In such a marriage where love is present,
the decision to divorce then involves another love that at some point
begins to supplant the love of the spouse.
For example, we would never say
that convenience or some minor difficulty could ever supplant a true love. Only infidelity, abuse, betrayal, or some
other kind of major conflict of interest could bring an alternate love into
focus. What kind of alternate
love? What kind of love could supplant
the supreme love of a spouse? One's
love for self-survival. Love for the
children's health or safety.
In such a dilemma, the decision
to separate begins to focus and to choose between two loves, both good and
valid. A full discussion of the
alternatives and their consequences is beyond our ability.
However, the task at hand is to
detail the pain of divorce and chart a course toward healing. An understanding of the ethical complication
of divorce may help those of sincere faith see how they or their spouses came
to justify their decision. So we will
digress briefly for a few paragraphs and touch the ethical complication. Then we can move into the substantial areas
of healing.
Aside from the struggle of
love, there is an ethical struggle which taxes the efforts of even the most erudite. In a nutshell, the ethical complication is
in the difficulty of finding an absolutely "right" decision in any
divorce (where marriage is meant to be permanent).
With regard to the
"rightness" of any divorce or of the veracity of the whole discussion,
wherever one goes, one factor necessarily arises in every dialogue. Where is the absolutely "right"
choice? Most every biblical theology
grants, permits, or tolerates a divorce for at least one reason. In the granting of any divorce, the
complication of justifying the "rightness" of any divorce must also
include this factor:
Sooner or Later, the decision involves a choice between two or more loves (like self, children, etc.) competing for supremacy; very much the choice between two or more good or right choices.
This choice between two or more
seemingly good or right actions has a corollary or flip side. In the same breath, such a decision would
also be a choice of the lesser of two evils which are the opposites of the perceived
right actions.
Though some view adultery as
the only reason for divorce, the point is that any grant of divorce violates
the sanctity of marriage, and any grant therefore makes ethical
"justification" a complex decision, at least complex from the pressure
to choose among two or more good and right actions. For the decision to divorce is not simply legalistic if true love
for the spouse, for the children or for the self are involved.
For example, in an abusive
situation, the abused spouse chooses between two right actions and between two
perceived evil actions. That is, number
"1" is chosen over number "2," for whatever reason.
Right/Good
Actions Wrong/Evil Actions
1. Self-Survival Divorce
2. Marriage Submission to Danger
Both self-survival (the greater good) and divorce (the lesser evil where marriage is meant to be inviolable) are chosen over a marriage (lesser good that threatens life) and submission to danger (lesser evil).
This is not justifying divorce,
nor is it sanctioning divorce for any kind of petty abuse. To recall the complication presented above
and the biblical view of divorce, we are saying that any decision
to divorce will entail a great number of complications. Love gives no other option. Primarily, the ethical complication stems
from competition between the love of the spouse/marriage and the love of
survival. Regardless, the pull of love
will not allow a simple choice between numbers one and two, for love is not a
"numbers" game.
We are not talking about an ability
to fully justify any divorce. Nor are
we talking about an ability to justify the biblical staying power of every
marriage where infidelity and abuse and danger to life are rife. What we are talking about is the depth of
complexity as a whole, which is beyond full justification this side of
heaven. For. this side of heaven, we
will have divorce and have to deal with the divorced, just as Jesus did. The point for us is that if you are in a
divorce, or have gone through a divorce, there is hope and biblical redemption
and even the possibility of a valid and biblical marriage in the future‑‑no
matter what your past.
All this points out the grave
inadequacy of the fallacious reasoning that will defends divorce for the abused
and then in the same breath decries divorce in broad categorical
statements. Some folk are just too
mighty in their judgment seats and simply miss the pain and complexity of it
all, most especially because they have never been there or truly loved anyone
who has been there. Or they have missed
the biblical message all together.
More to our task and said more
politely, any marriage that was entered with true love and under the highest
biblical aspirations will not dissolve into divorce easily, without a great
deal of pain, or without extreme complication‑‑at least emotionally
and ethically.
The nature of the pre-divorce
stage is this: A massive struggle of
heart is taking place within at least one party of the divorce, most likely both
parties. The struggle is with love,
ethics, and faith. If the question, the
contemplation, and the ramifications of divorce are difficult for those
schooled in the Bible, in ethical theory, and in theological integrity, then
how much more complicated will such a struggle be for those without such
knowledge and experience?
"Downright heart-rending," I declare.
At this juncture, then, it is
well to go with the example of Jesus who never let go of the ideal, yet at the
same time did not venture very far into condemnation or very far into the
debate about divorce in his day. Jesus
placed a premium upon the care of wounded souls.
But enough of this. Our concern is for the divorced. Some had no choice. Regardless of how "right" any
divorce may be, the tragedy before us is the multitudes of divorces. For as we have been doing, we will be
debating the ethics of "justifying" divorce until our Lord's return,
debating the exact point of exposition.
Before our Lord's first coming and until his second coming, divorce has
been a tragic and complex reality nevertheless.
We know what the
"ideal" is, but we have never had the ideal. What is comforting is that Jesus could have
but did not make the issue clear and easy for the critical and legalistically
minded who are want to judge others.
Jesus spoke more to care of the wounded souls and less to the pharisees
Our focus is on the tragic
reality of divorce.
The pre-divorce stage comes to
a close after a massive struggle of heart.
After a struggle with love, ethics, and faith, at least one party makes
the decision to separate. A new
direction has begun. One party crossed
the invisible barrier. For that party,
the pre-divorce stage has become part of a divorce. Without exception, only one party can cross at a time, after
which the other catches up.
No matter who crossed first,
both parties may not have seen or followed up on the warning signals evident in
the pre-divorce stage. Or perhaps one
party did heed the signals, and the other failed to respond. Regardless, the moment one party makes a
sincere decision to separate, the pre-divorce stage becomes a part of a divorce
for both parties. This is the beginning
of a divorce.
Does this sound too elementary
or obvious? Maybe. The reason for such a basic lesson is show
the point-of-no-return. While rather
easy to see in retrospect, when we are in the throes of pain and sorrow, it is
hard to see the point-of-no-return. And
the point-of-no-return is supposed to be hard to see if true love and a
biblical marriage were important. For
those in the healing process, looking back and noting the approximate time and
state-of-feeling when the point-of-no-return arrived will help better clarify a
pathway out of the Black Forest of grief.
Once this point-of-no-return has come, there is an overlap between the pre-divorce and shock stages, for the shock stage begins in the second party. The first party has already dealt with some kind of shock that has led to the decision. Once the decision is made by one party, the divorce process has begun. Though the second party hears decision, the seriousness may not be immediately recognized and may take a little while to settle into the heart. But once the decision settles deep inside the second party's heart, the couple has moved fully into the shock stage of divorce. See figure 2 below.
http://www.preciousheart.net/images/DvProc-Fig-2-jpg.jpg
So the shock stage begins well after first party has been working through some amount of shock and when the second party fully began to deal with the shock of the first party's decision. In some divorces, the first party may have already progressed to the struggle with finality before the second party even entered the shock stage. This would predominate in the victims of multiple divorces. In that case, the shock stage for each party may separated by completely different time frames.
How does all of this pertain to
the grieving who are in the boundary between the pre-divorce stage and actual
decision to separate? At the very
least, all of the ethical and emotional debating of any divorce‑‑at
the very least, all of this debating brings to light the added burden within
the conscience of the sincere Christian.
In addition to severe grief, the Christian is also debating with
conscience, drawing on all understanding or lack thereof. The struggle to do right continues in tandem
with and even in spite of the inner struggle with grief. The struggle continues with whatever they
understood about the biblical ideals and demands and with whatever lifetime
meaning that marriage and commitment had been cultivated throughout life.
If the "Laws of God"
are written upon the hearts of believers, how much greater will be the pain
within the soul of the one with only a meager understanding of the
Scriptures? Within the soul of the one
with likewise meager facility in language and logic? Even those educated in the vagaries of theological dilemmas would
encounter the impossibility of it all, and that would lead to depression at
least. Nevertheless, what do education
and understanding and brain power have to do with matters of the heart?
This--
Explanations
mean Nothing to the
BrokenHeart. Explanations and textbooks
in and of themselves are No
more good for the BrokenHeart than they are for a broken or amputated leg.
Understanding by others and
understanding by self, while better than nothing, still do nothing.
Only understanding coupled with
skilled care will make a difference.
That is why a medical doctor can help the skinned knee of a child, but
Only the mother can provide solid and life-giving comfort
and alleviate fear.
Said in another way, there are
many pains: the pain involved in the
threat of loss, the pain of the threat of separation from the one you love, the
pain in the negotiation of the future, and in the pain of having to confront
the spouse and others about such a tragic separation. In addition to all of these pains, the added pain of conscience
impinges upon the dedicated in an attempt to solve the ethical riddle of just
what is "absolutely right" or best or the least wrong. The religious element wreaks a havoc all its
own.
If any divorce is sanctioned or
tolerated, any reason will complicate the justification from a biblical
theology. Most of us would allow for a
divorce in adulterous or abusive situations, and good number would allow
divorce for other reasons of severe conflict.
Moving beyond a simple justification toward an "absolute"
justification, any divorce becomes an esoteric affair at best if not an
impossibility.
The rest of us just have to go
on without all of the answers.
One party in the marriage has
come to at least a confident decision of divorce, and the information has been
taken into the soul. Though the
decision has gone into the heart and soul, the heart and soul are still
struggling with the reality of it all.
The first and most obvious stage of a divorce is shock and dismay and
confusion.
If you are in the shock stage
where the tragic reality of it all is still beating on your soul, tearing at
your mind, and ripping at your heart, this is not the book for you right
now. Confusion might be increased.
As it was for me, maybe it was
for you. Just like in the pre-divorce
stage where love-communication is the greatest need, during the shock stage I
needed someone to talk to, someone to be with who was not judgmental. In the shock stage, most of my struggle and
most of my reading had a secret agenda.
I read to solve our problems, solve her problems, or solve my
problems.
The struggling and reading
attempted reconciliation. Nothing was
read in view of healing from the separation.
Nothing was read in order to adjust to the loss. For in the shock stage, within my mind I
perceived the loss and understood the reality of the separation. But in my heart I did not want to accept the
loss.
So if you are in the shock
stage, this book has an agenda that is incompatible with where you want to go
in love, which is somewhere closer to the one you love. This book's design is to help you in the
struggle with adaptation to the loss while love remains in the heart. This book is not meant to help you get back
together. If you are wanting to get
back together, again I suggest, look to books about love-communication. The only thing you will get out of this book
in the shock stage is more ammunition to judge your spouse more harshly or to
more severely wound your own self-esteem.
If you are in the shock stage, do
go and find someone with a compassionate ear:
pastor, counselor, friend. Talk
or write a lot. Draw. Scream.
Paint. Sew. Sing.
Cry. That is where you really
want to be‑‑communicating your pain somehow with someone who loves
you. They do not even need to love you
to be effective if they will just accept you and listen to you. You need to be accepted right now in all of
your craziness, need to be accepted just as you are with all of your pain and
confusion.
Express yourself. Somehow to someone. Or through some thing.
In the shock stage you need to
talk and resonate your positive and negative feelings. Keeping these powerful feelings locked up
breeds trouble. You need to ventilate,
need to talk, need to share; and you
need several to share with if possible.
Once you are in the throes of
an actual divorce, arriving at a sense of finality is still a long way
off. In the shock stage, the finality
of separation is quite naturally not allowed into the mind and heart. Love just does not let go easily. In the shock stage, confusion is natural‑‑natural.
A large difference exists
between a quality love and a selfish obsession. The most prominent difference between these is in the respect
given to the object of one's love.
There is little difference between obsession and possession. Likewise, there is little difference between
love and respect.
A quality love can handle
rejection without exacting revenge. A
quality love will respect the right of the other to leave. A quality love will always want the best of
the departed.
An obsessive love will hurt the
departed rather than loose them. An
obsessive love wants to exclude and deny the individuality of the departed,
will not respect the right of the departed to leave. An obsessive love has trouble or simply will not understand how
the departed can live without the obsessed, or how it might be in the best
interests of the departed to leave.
There is a total kind of selfishness in obsession that ignores the
feelings and rights of the object. That
is, the obsessed lover loves an object that is to be owned exclusively by the
obsessed.
A quality love so esteems the
individuality and value of the loved one that the lover will almost deny his or
her own life rather than offend the loved one.
A quality love will respect the departed's wishes. If the departed thinks it is best to leave,
outside of expressions of sorrow and deep longing, a quality love will wish
them the best. For a quality love‑‑owning
their own person‑‑will persuade, but never coerce.
Obsession in the abuser or
abused is the sign of a very weak character or of something more severe, often
indicating a previous trauma in the past.
In obsession there is a tight control that allows little individuality,
for the obsessed needs the control in order to retain wholeness. Respect is demanded but not returned. The obsessed has trouble seeing anything but
his or her own needs.
In a quality love there is a
focus on the real and valid needs of another, including their need for
departure. In a quality love there is a
freedom within a responsible commitment.
While an actual divorce is
being negotiated, the heart keeps up a good or high percentage of hope. The heart maintains a hope and dream of
reconciliation. As long as hope and the
dream persist, you have not stepped off onto the road of healing. This is also all right and natural. Love just does not let go easily. No one would have it any other way.
Meditate on this. Take a walk on this. Write it on the door posts of your
house. Love just does not let go
easily. Say this to yourself. If you are in love and going through a
divorce, it hurts. Your love will not
let go. You are a human being and in
love. And your love will not let go
easily.
To any person who says,
"Just let go," change the conversation or just walk away. They are short on understanding or lack
experience in true love. Or, like those
who faint at the sight of blood, your pain is causing them to become
squeamish. So rather than be with you
in your pain, like the truly compassionate, they will help you deny your wound
altogether.
This is about as helpful as
telling someone with a traumatic or open wound‑‑like a chain saw
accident to the leg‑‑"just ignore the pain, it will go away
soon enough, and you will be all right."
Quite to the contrary, I would
suggest that having such an open wound would be preferable to experiencing the
loss of a loved one anytime. In deaths
I have witnessed and helped communicate, more than once a surviving party has
questioned why death could not have befallen them instead of the departed loved
one. If we would prefer some physical
damage over the loss of someone dear to our heart, how much more care is
demanded in such a heart-love loss?
Again‑‑it is
natural to hang on. That is what love
does. If you are here in this stage,
struggling to hang on, then you are valuable and wholesome and a healthy person
because your love will not let go easily.
Only by knowing the tenacity of love will your pain decrease over time,
maybe over a long time.
For now, get with somebody if
you can, for the pain will not go away quickly. Get with someone who will help apply pressure to your bleeding
heart before you bleed to death. The
most effective balm to a bleeding heart, the warmest comfort to the cold pain
of loss in the shock stage, is to resonate your feelings with someone who cares
and who can listen with acceptance.
Of course, beware of the
predators.
It is natural for a good and
healthy love to endure, for a quality love to hang onto hope.
As you experience the good love of others‑‑in a lengthy amount of time‑‑you will grow. But for now, know and meditate on the fact that a quality love does not let go easily and that this is very natural.