After
the shock, I began the approach toward finality. After a significant and prolonged inner struggle, I arrived under
the Bridge of Finality.
However,
not everyone arrived at the same time.
For some, it takes years. For others,
in little love, it may have been a matter of months.
Betrayal
or abuse or threats may have ushered in finality sooner. Made the passage quicker. Grief began well before the final
decree. Even if you are still in love,
because of some especially painful or abusive or betraying situation, finality
came sooner. For someone else, the exit
of the spouse may have simply forced him or her to look toward finality without
any other clear reason than that spouse's absence and the reality of that
spouse's rejection.
A
great threat blew the sails of your small craft forward. The hastened journey seems quick compared to
the extended venture of others. Such is
the individual nature of grief. The
length of the journey is not the concern.
In
other divorces, there may not have been any great physical threat to life. Some may have been more forgiving and
loving. Some more tolerant of the
stress. For some strong persons the
journey toward the bridge was extended.
The endurance of the person may have protracted approach for a long
time.
Misunderstanding
and lack of communication tear at the soul.
Love itself wants clarification and naturally clings to hope.
Regardless,
when love is involved, finality never comes quickly. For one it may take many months, for another several years. The struggle is the same.
Reasons
compound and elude and, therefore, delay arrival under the Bridge of
Finality. Nevertheless, arrival cannot
be pushed, should not be rushed. Love
and the ideals of marriage naturally prevent a hasty arrival. All the while, impatience, anger, and
selfishness push love and ideals aside;
these want love to quit, push love out of the way.
Ironic
as it might seem, this may be the reason some women last so long in abusive
relationships. Love empowers many women
to endure what most men would or could not endure. A good number of men cannot tolerate very much interpersonal
abuse, because‑‑I believe‑‑they just cannot love as
well. The other side of this coin is
this: the woman who hangs on, hangs on
because letting go of the husband is letting go of her primary source of
self-worth.
What
makes some men hang on so hard?
Principles or tasks often empower many men to endure what most women
would or could not endure through sheer principle. Many women cannot tolerate much placing of principles above
interpersonal concerns, because (I think) they are not as principle- or
task-driven. The other side of this
coin is the man who values principles or tasks above human concern.
Notice
the extremes. Note the gray areas.
In
our society, there are gender differences and social tendencies, especially
with respect to the interpersonal and to principles. Statistics bear out these facts:
a much greater number of men than women will leave their families and
children behind this year. A likewise
disproportionate number of women will be the sole providers and primary
caretakers of children in single family homes.
What
is driving the men? Women?
Simply
put, it seems our society more than most has quenched the enduring power of
love in a good number of its men.
Another embarrassing statistic bears out the ignoble principles to which
many men have succumbed: across our
nation, over 85% of the federal and state prison population is male.
But
we can get way off track with this. We
must not ignore the great number of men who love their wives and family with a
great love‑‑a love that would sacrifice their own lives and
personal pride in the preservation of their family. And there are a likewise great number of women who are as
dedicated to quality principles and significant task accomplishments.
We
affirm both love- and principle-driven lives.
The
point in noting the disparity of focus is how dark the clouds can become in the
Bay of Heartbrokenness. If a divorce is
the result of an inability to communicate the different focuses, then how much
more of a tumult will the couple face?
In the heat of a divorce and after the shock stage, renegotiation of
allegiances is not any easier when principles are ignored or when interpersonal
sensitivities are offended.
Another
point in noting the disparity is that even a hope for reconciliation can delay
arrival under the Bridge of Finality.
Hope itself can continue to drive one back to old ways of communicating. To believe in a return to Eden. To deny the reality of the offenses.
The
journey toward finality is fraught with many perils.
The
first illusion that needs to be jettisoned is the belief that everyone sees the
world in the same way. Therefore, the
first of the binding ties to be loosened just may be below the surface of my
own faulty expectations in styles of communication.
Regardless
of the delay‑‑because of love‑‑arrival under the bridge
does not have to end all hope of reconciliation any more than arrival means an
end to the love in one's heart. Said in
another way, if love can be shut off, then it was not true love to begin with.
Though
some already know, others may question just what is meant by
"finality." This finality
that we search for is that state of mind and heart‑‑though still
painful‑‑where we are fairly certain that the separation is serious
and probably permanent. The separation
cannot be resolved in reunion without some significant changes or
compromises. While the heart may still
struggle, at least the mind knows and has some confident resolution that the
break just may be beyond repair. The
fantasies of a return to Eden have almost ended, though one or two might still
occasionally crop up.
The
mind has seen so much. There were
personal joustings of betrayal, abuse, rejection. There were rude behaviors in arguments, phone hang-ups, threats. There was avoidance in absences, secrets,
double-dealing, misunderstanding. All
in all, the communication was sloppy, and there was so much hurt,
miscommunication. That hope of
reconciling the former status quo is no longer reasonable.
The
emotions have been ridden hard and put up comfortless too many times. The very absence of your spouse has forced a
permanence upon your solitude. Once
under the bridge, though the heart may still cling to a heavenly castle, the
mind has touched down.
If
you have navigated the approach to the Bridge of Finality successfully, then
you have passed through whirlpools and maelstroms of bitterness, anger,
self-doubt, and deep distrust. Though
the memories of these dark times are still fresh as an open wound, though the
emotions still crash in on occasion, you no longer become dizzy and lose
control. The whale of inadequacy still
nudges the boat, but he is tiring of the chase. You have found a few friends with whom to share, friends or
family who are open enough to listen with compassion.
However,
unsuccessful navigation has some likewise clear and unmistakable marks. Bitterness and anger are foremost. Popping off at friends with little
provocation. Wanting to hide. A deep and almost uncontrollable
distrust. Resolutions to either
isolation or flagrancy. Stereotyping
all men or women. An almost uncontrollable
anger or bitterness (openly expressed or not) toward persons like your
ex-spouse.
Similar
to some deaths, there is a churning of negative emotions. Yet in a sordid and twisting way, this very
churning is another aspect of divorce that makes it distinct from death and
unique among all of the losses encountered in life. Though hard to fully understand by anyone who has not traveled
the road, it is quite natural that anger, bitterness, and distrust result. What makes divorce so distinct is the
results of the emotional churning:
stereotyping a gender, a radical change in the divorced person's
personality, or something worse.
The
results of the churning pain cannot be painted clearly.
In a
very crude comparison, who would trust any daycare center if there was a single
instance of his child being abused or assaulted? If you have ever been robbed, you never again would leave your
home without checking it over. If you
have ever been the victim of an assault, you are always more careful.
In a
divorce, you have for the most part been betrayed and assaulted after you have
made yourself most vulnerable. To
extend the crude and inadequate analogy, in divorce you yourself have placed
your most precious relationships‑‑the children‑‑in the
hands of an abuser. All that you own
and all of your daily activities are known to the thief. For some poor souls, the home itself is the
very place where physical assaults take place.
There
is no way to explain the affect of an assault to someone who has been sheltered
all of his or her lives. To a far
greater degree, divorce is devastating to the soul in a manner comparable to
the most severe tragedies. Such
tragedies call us to be sensitive at the very least. Our fears escalate.
Caution widens. It is natural that
some anger and distrust and possibly some stereotyping would result.
If
these emotions were part of the temperament when the marriage began, how much
harder will be the task of working beyond the contrary emotions after a
divorce? We are in a world that is so
inclined to make one distrust and hide anyway.
How hard the task becomes for even the most astute. How much harder becomes the task for one who
has endured the greatest kind of heart-betrayal so often present in divorce?
Being
poor and having to struggle to survive add an even greater burden. To have to endure everything alone? And, oh, pray for the children. Mere survival would be an accomplishment
worthy of the Nobel Prize.
Landing
under the Bridge of Finality is a significant event and is also marked by
several characteristics. The struggle
is not over. The pain is still with
us. Nevertheless, the pictures and
other memorabilia no longer cause the sickness of revulsion or the strain and
longing. The shock and disbelief are
past. The emotional roller coaster has
fewer turns now, and we are well past all of the double loops and unexpected
swoops that dismay and confuse. There
are no more whirlpools or heart-wrenching maelstroms.
If
you married late, then past the Bridge of Finality, you have begun to do what
you once did before the relationship.
If you married young and kind of grew through adulthood with your
spouse, then past the Bridge of Finality, you have begun to develop a new kind
of social comfort; that is, you have
developed skill in your singleness. In
either case, you have come to the point where you can carry on your social life
for extended periods of time without the burdening or distracting thoughts of
the departed. Not completely. Not altogether.
If
you are somewhat past the Bridge of Finality, then there is no more
hour-by-hour obsession. The inner
dialogue is not constant anymore. Some
kind of resolution has come. And you
are not sure just when this came about, for you were not on a schedule of
healing and expression.
When
one comes under the Bridge of Finality, some healing has taken place. Perhaps some of the wound has stopped
bleeding, and the bone has started to reset itself. For the first time, the divorced is actually and truly looking
toward healing.
No
matter how successful the approach (with or without the baggage of bitterness,
anger, etc.), and no matter how you got there‑‑you have arrived
under the bridge when the issue of reconciliation at least seems to be accepted
in the heart, not just on paper or in the mind.
Being
under the Bridge of Finality is a peculiar place. Often, it is a surprising place to be. News of the arrival just sort of dawned on the heart. One day‑‑without notice, like a
Spring rain. Unusual. Bizarre.
Curious. Maybe even cool and
fresh.
Maybe
even disappointing. It was for me.
Almost
like going through the shock stage again, the mind and heart renegotiate the
thought of arrival. The struggle has
gone on for so long. Then a few days or
few weeks go by that seem unusually calm.
In retrospect, you look back over the last few days or weeks, then you
peer at the present moment. The reality
of having arrived under the Bridge of Finality comes into the light.
You
are not told. You did not plan. Neither you nor anyone else could have
brought you here. Only as a result of
your continual struggle with the love in your heart‑‑one day, you
simply and quietly arrived. Peculiar
place.
Like
seeing something new in the neighborhood for the first time. Like perceiving a novel idea. Like solving a puzzle. The fact of separation, the circumstances of
the divorce, all the pain, the rejection, the misunderstandings‑‑all
seem to make some kind of cruel sense now.
In the balances between the hope of reconciliation and the need for hope
in a future without your spouse, hope of reconciliation has lost some
significant weight.
Your
deep inner need and hope of a positive future without him or her sort of pushes
up from some inner well. Your will to
survive sort of plunges into your consciousness the reality of arrival under
the Bridge of Finality. Finally, though
there are still some chest pains, the mortal wound in the heart has closed.
For
the time being, at least from all observable angles, hope of reconciliation is
not a viable option. Communication may
still exist, but the only kind of reconciliation that will be negotiated beyond
this point will be a new and fresh kind of relationship; that is, there will not be any more hope of
a return to a previous status quo.
Another
hope has begun to push up from the inner resources of the soul, a hope in a
future somewhere yet to be. The reality
of separation and the need for survival have forced the survivor to look toward
the future for hope. A future
reconciled with the spouse, a future alone or even a future with another spouse
(a spouse yet-to-be met). This other
hope is now impelling you forward.
You
are not merely surviving anymore. You
are a survivor. You have found the
"Eye of the Tiger." Your will
has some grit to it. "And about
time," you think.
Does
this mean forever alone? Does this mean
no hope of reconciliation exists? Does
this mean that no communication should even be considered? Does this mean that no consideration should
be given to another? Not at all.
But
let us not get side-tracked. The future
with or without or with another is not the issue‑‑and should not be
the issue. We simply mean that the
survivor has reached a state of mind and heart‑‑though still painful‑‑where
they are fairly certain that the separation is serious and permanent. That the person has come to own more
responsibly their aloneness, however dark that might be.
Said
in another way, if you have come under the Bridge of Finality, then you have
lost almost all hope of things returning to the place where they once
were. The dream has crashed. It crashed hard. Not only has a realistic appraisal of the crash begun, but the
appraisal is in the last stages. At
least by the party looking toward healing, he or she is a survivor.
If
in that party there remains some residual hope for a reconciliation‑‑way
down deep where true love still flickers‑‑that residual hope no
longer looks to a return to Eden. Once under
the Bridge of Finality, though still painful, one has come to at least one
conclusion with a solid assurance.
There will be no return to Eden.
Any residual hope for reconciliation that exists, exists solely in a
hope in the future; toward a hope of
change, a hope of compromise, or a hope of renegotiation.
Otherwise,
there will be no reconciliation.
For
the person who has come under the Bridge of Finality, the only kind of
reconciliation that can exist is that based on love. Love sees potential but not a return. Though there will be no return, love will retain some kind of
hope and belief in the potential for a new level of relationship. For the person under the Bridge of Finality,
there is no return to Snowy River, only the making of a new home. A new home alone, reconciled, or with
another.
Truly,
with finality in hand, you have begun an honest and realistic appraisal of the
crashed dream. That is what being under
the Bridge of Finality is all about.
Taking an honest look at the dream that has crashed. Finding what your ex-spouse meant to
you. Seeking to identify the
significant binding ties and loosening them.
To
sum up: the shock of divorce has long
been passed. You have crossed the
troubled waters of the Bay of Heartbrokenness and arrived under the Bridge of
Finality. The damage of the waves and
the swirling of the whirlpools and maelstroms have left you weary and
damaged. But you have learned, grown,
and become a better person for the journey.
This
comes by way of a few warm and open persons, persons who were similar to Jesus
to you. Who cared about all of you in
your need.
Finality
has come.
In
the process, grief tasks one and two have worked together hand in hand. You have identified what your spouse had
come to mean and some of the needs she or he met in you. You have identified some of the binding ties
in the discovered meaning. In
identifying the binding ties, you began to loosen them. Sometimes they were loosened in the very
identifying, but others took more struggle.
Nevertheless, once under the Bridge of Finality, with self-discovery and
expression upon expression‑‑inward and outward‑‑a
couple of major ties were loosened.
I
feel I am in fact surviving. Within my
heart there is a living and growing hope.
The
most important binding tie that was loosened, though, was in the arrival at the
Bridge of Finality. For on arrival, we
at last let loose of a realistic hope of reconciliation. With this, true and deep and meaningful
healing began.
Through
hard rowing in the wind and rain you arrived under the Bridge of Finality. On the way you learned the currents of
bitterness and longing. You met the
whale of inadequacy, and you were swirled round in whirlpools and maelstroms of
anger and fear. The cliffs and rocks of
offense and miscommunication jogged your small boat.
Till
now, the healing that you thought had taken place is somewhat illusory. What has taken place on the way toward the
Bridge of Finality is sort of like learning to walk through a path of broken
glass bare-footed. The dream crashed,
leaving broken pieces everywhere. On
the way to finality, you learned how to walk bare-footed across the room where
all the broken glass lay.
You
have learned the path from room to room, and you can walk without cutting your
feet. There is a success in this. But this is not quite healing or
growth. This is survival. Now I must begin the honest and realistic
appraisal of the crashed dream, making sense out of all the broken pieces. One piece at a time.
Negotiating
the broken pieces without cutting my feet is a significant accomplishment. Congratulations are due me. My confidence has a boost, boosted in
proportion to my level of navigational skill.
This accumulated skill is what becomes the illusion of healing. I have control. There is little uncontrolled anger, bitterness, depression, and
stereotyping. I am not losing any more
sleep.
Yet
the mess of the crashed dream is still all over the floor of my heartbroken
life. Once under the Bridge of
Finality, I can now see some of the mess more clearly. And only under the bridge can an honest
appraisal of the broken pieces begin.
No
other place is right, nor should one be forced early.
Healing begins
here. Whether I ever encounter
the opportunity to consider reconciliation, whether I ever risk marriage with
another, or whether I pursue singleness‑‑wherever‑‑true
healing and adaptation to my BrokenHeart begins here under the Bridge of
Finality.
Unfortunately,
some have come under the bridge and remained there. They have learned to walk through the broken pieces and have come
to believe they are actually and fully healed.
They have not yet made the distinction between survival and healing.
The
most substantial growth commences at the Bridge of Finality. The divorce process ends beyond the Bridge
of Finality when a higher level of loving begins. See the diagram below illustrating the whole divorce process.
http://www.preciousheart.net/images/DvProc-Fig-4-jpg.jpg
The Bridge
of Finality is reached when acceptance of the separation takes place in the
heart. This is the beginning of
significant and meaningful growth. The
struggle with finality is almost over.
With acceptance of separation in the heart, it is just a short time
before you move into a frame of mind and heart where a higher level of loving
begins. As you accept separation and
love the departed, the forces of healing have come full circle; self-discovery has revealed deep insights,
and expression has been released to a satisfying degree. And love's eternal nature has not only been
kept intact, it has been forged, as it were, into a more informed and solid
affection.
No
person can spotlessly sweep his or her life.
The goal is not to sweep the house completely. That would be impossible.
Nor is the goal to learn how to walk faster and faster through the
pieces. The goal is to get the big pieces
off the floor.
For
instance, you may resign yourself to a lonely and bitter life that could never
risk being vulnerable to love again.
That may be all right in and of itself, especially as you get
older. The Apostle Paul affirms
singleness. The likelihood of finding a
suitable life-partner decreases for a good many folk. Nor is there anything innately wrong with singleness. But if you remain single or search out a
mate because of the bitterness, well then, there are still some very large
broken pieces.
One
could resign his or herself to a life of sporadic encounters without any depth‑‑running
away scared each time a certain degree of depth or vulnerability has been
touched. One could settle in on
worthlessness (or selfishness), content to be used and abused (or to use and
abuse) through varied encounters without being able to honestly commit
again. One could opt for not taking any
responsibility. Or one might get caught
into a low level of . . . whatever.
There is no end to this kind of speculation. If one moves into psychological labeling, then the entrenchment
that labels foster might become an even more difficult quagmire to negotiate.
If I
would move on past the Bridge of Finality toward a more secure tomorrow, toward
a tomorrow as a stronger person, then I must deal with the crashed dream and
the broken pieces. I must find the
significant binding ties and loose them.
To some extent, I must find my inner needs and free my ex-spouse from my
need for her; I must free her from how
she met my inner needs.
Never
completely. Nevertheless, the larger
broken pieces need to be swept up off the floor. There must be a clear path if I am to walk upright like a man
again. If I am to adapt and be able to
live a normal life again, then I must move to a higher level of living where my
living is freed from a constant attendance to avoiding those broken pieces.
Among
the several people I turned to, I only found a few who were willing and able to
be warm and open. Only a few were close
to what Jesus might have been: an open
warmhearted friend that listened to all of me in all of my confusion and
contradictions. Who attended to me
without judgment.
Yet
I could not fully give to any one of them.
I feared overloading them.
Overloading can push away even the best of friends, can make even the
closest of families bitter. So I opened
up to several, some more than others.
How I wished I could have found someone in whom I could entrust with all
of me. How much more I wished that
person was my ex-wife in whom I could have fully confided (and I wish I could
believe she would say the same thing).
Despite
all, I learned something precious about life and living. Something very precious. Some of what I have learned I try to carry
with me each time I sit down with another hurting soul. Of all the learning experiences gained
through my tragedies, including my divorce, this seems to be one of the most
valuable:
it is hard to approach what
Jesus might have been to someone so hurt.
But
we must try.
Several
months into her absence, I wrote a poem reflecting some of my feelings. Though I was well past the shock stage, I had
not yet come under the Bridge of Finality.
But I was approaching. So
painful. So confusing. Here is that poem.
The Hope-Trip . . . of a
BrokenHeart
Beyond the one you love to a lonely tomorrow,
Nothing can be seen but a heart filled with deep sorrow.
Here in the early morning dawn, I stand so very alone,
Grasping at air for a sun that had so brightly shone.
To understand the shading clouds of distrust and fear
Is like pulling from my heart a long and jagged spear.
But pull I must, lest the dawn turn quickly to dusk.
For, without the pulling, I may lose all my trust.
The day must and has to most assuredly arrive
When from the ashes I can see that I might survive,
When the dawn moves to mid-day and I can see the sun,
When among my friends I can have some semblance of fun.
So pull and struggle I most assuredly will
From this hole to come and climb my rugged hill.
For if bitterness is allowed to kindle within,
I will lose more and more of my friendship kin.
Doubts and fears, beat and cold every step of the way--
And several stand ready--energized--to cut and slay.
I hold onto the dawn with an ever increasing grip,
As on a weary road, so cruelly named The Hope-Trip.
For there's only one source of strength for my broken heart,
And with help from above and my tight grip, I will not part.
Through the dark clouds of my past I must set my scope,
Grasping, pulling, I must never--ever--lose sight of Hope.
Beyond all my many fears, I must unfurl my small sail,
Pushing through the waters--no matter if I feel so frail.
My confidence seems so thin so much of the time.
Yet a ray of hope does from the thunder clouds shine.
As a little boy with his father in a bright park,
A friend can help heal and rekindle a small spark.
And my heart does know that dawn will turn to bright mid-day,
As long as upon the path of friendship I do stay.
I
penned that poem on a gloomy day. One
of those days when the whirlpool whipped my craft about. But even though I was storm tossed, I was
looking ahead. I was nearer finality
than I had been in a long time. I was
passing under the Bridge of Finality, but did not know it at the time. There was light down that tunnel, and I was
walking toward it.