The following overheads were used throughout the program as visual aids
and as handouts. They were numbered to
correlate with the various sessions of the program. For example, #1.1: Title
was the first overhead shown and the first of the handouts given, and #2.1 was
the first handout given during the second session. Two exceptions to the correlation between the overheads and the
handouts were: (1) the expert responses
in the responding exercises were included on the handouts in the appendix
(though not on the originals, see overheads #6.3b, #6.5b, #7.4b, and
#7.6b); and (2) the same was done with
the expert responses to the discrimination exercises (see overheads #1.10b,
#2.7b, #3.10b, #4.5b, #5.6b, and #6.7b).
The table of contents in the following three pages was given to the
participants during the seventh session, the last day, and the contents served
as an outline for a review. At the end
of the last day's session, a blue colored coversheet was copied from #1.1: Title, and the table of contents was placed
at the front of the accumulated handouts as they are presented in this
appendix. The director used a heavy
duty stapler and stapled each participant's collection. The stapled collection became each man's
completed workbook with much information to review as he used the helping
skills in the future.
Note that overheads #4.2a-e contained the Interpersonal Check List (ICL)
inventory and scoring devices. Since
the overheads were for the benefit and interpretation of the individual
participants, the background for the ICL was placed in appendix 7.
Program/Handout Table
of Contents
Part 1: The Foundation--Attending Skills
#1.1: Title:
Love, Listening, Liberating: The Art of Christian Caring
Attending Skills Set #1 Day 1
#1.2: Devotion #1: Biblical Love
#1.3: Love, Listening, Liberating Principle
I.
Love, Listening, and Liberating Introduction
#1.4: Listening Self-Knowledge
#1.5: Program Outline
#1.6: Allen Ivey's Principles
#1.7a: Who Has Been Heard?
#1.7b: What the Professionals Say about Empathy
II.
Attending Skills Set #1: Body
Language and S-O-L-E-R
#1.8: Our Communication
#1.9: S-O-L-E-R
#1.10a: Assignment #1: Attending Skills Set #1:
Body Language
#1.10b: Assignment #2: Discrimination Exercise
#1.11: Discrimination Exercise Code
Attending Skills Set #2 Day 2
#2.1: Devotion #2: No Greater Love
I.
Follow-up: Attending Skills Set
#1: Body Language
II.
Attending Skills Set #1: Body
Language Continued
#2.2: Exploring Attending Skills
III.
Listening and Expectations
#2.3a: King Pygmalion Fashions a Dream
#2.3b: King Pygmalion's Dream Comes True
#2.4: Listening, Expectations, & Growth
IV.
Attending Skills Set #2: Reflecting Verbal Content
#2.5: Reflecting Verbal Content
#2.6: Reflecting Verbal Content Exercise
#2.7a: Assignment #2: Attending Skills Set #2:
Reflecting Verbal Content
#2.7b: Assignment #2: Discrimination Exercise
Attending Skills Set #3 Day 3
#3.1: Devotion #3: You Must Love Your Brother
I.
Follow-up: Attending Skills Set
#2
II.
Types of Listening
#3.2: Bad Listening Habits
#3.3: Four Kinds of Listening
III.
Attending Skills Set #3:
Reflecting Feelings
#3.4: Feeling Faces
#3.5a-e: Categorized Feeling Words
#3.6: A Continuum of Feeling Words
#3.7: Six Reasons that Inhibit Self-Disclosure
#3.8: Listening to Your Own Feelings and Emotions
#3.9: Responding to Others Exercise #1
#3.10a: Assignment #3: Attending Skills Set #3:
Responding to Feelings
#3.10b: Assignment #3: Discrimination Exercise
Part 2: The
Interpersonal Bridge of
Self-Disclosure
Self-Disclosure Day 4
#4.1: Devotion #4: Give of Yourself
I.
Follow-up: Attending Skills Set
#3
II.
The Interpersonal Check List (ICL):
Understanding One's Interpersonal Style
#4.2a-b: Interpersonal Check List
#4.2c: Interpersonal Check List Score Sheet
#4.2d: Interpersonal Check List Profile
Sheet--Sixteenths
#4.2e: Interpersonal Check List Profile
Sheet--Dom/Lov
III.
The Interpersonal Bridge of Self-Disclosure
#4.3: Some Rules of Self-Disclosure
#4.4: Self-Disclosure Exercises, explain, and
facilitate exercise
#4.5a: Assignment #4: Self-Disclosure
#4.5b: Assignment #4: Discrimination Exercise
Part 3: The
Connection--Empathic Skills Level
1
The Connection--Empathic Skills Level 1 Day 5
#5.1: Devotion #5: From Where Love Came & Why We Love
I.
Follow-up: Self-Disclosure
Assignment
II. An
Introduction to Empathy
#5.2a: Scriptural Overview of Empathy
#5.2b: Overview of Empathy Communication
#5.3: Responding to Others Exercise #2
III.
Empathic Skills Level 1:
Accurate Empathy (AE-I)
#5.4a: Some Prerequisite Scriptural Values of Empathy
#5.4b: Some Prerequisite Values of Empathy &
Their Behaviors
#5.5: Responding to Others Exercise #3
5.6a: Assignment #5: Accurate Empathy
#5.6b: Assignment #5: Discrimination Exercise
The Connection--Empathic Skills Level 2 Day 6
#6.1: Devotion #6: If One Part Suffers, Every Part Suffers
I.
Follow-up: Empathic Skills Level
1: Accurate Empathy (AE-I)
II. Empathic Skills Level 1: Accurate Empathy (AE-I) (continued from day 5)
#6.2: Empathic/Non-Empathic Persons
#6.3a: Responding to Others Exercise #4
#6.3b: Expert Responses to #4 Scenario #9
III.
Empathic Skills Level 2:
Advanced Accurate Empathy
(AE-II)
#6.4: Empathy:
A More Clear Reflection
#6.5a: Responding to Others Exercise #5
#6.5b: Expert Responses to #5 Scenario #12
#6.6: Empathy Being More than a Skill & the
Anti-Helper
#6.7a: Assignment #6: Advanced Accurate Empathy
#6.7b: Assignment #6: Discrimination Exercise
The Connection--Empathic Skills Level 2 Continued Day 7
#7.1: Devotion #7: LOVE: The Most Excellent
Way
I.
Follow-up: Empathic Skills Level
2: Advanced Accurate Empathy (AE-II)
II.
Empathic Skills Level 2: More on
Advanced Accurate Empathy (AE-II) (continued from day 6)
#7.2: Other Kinds of Empathic Response Leads
#7.3a: Common Mistakes and explain
#7.3b: Common Mistakes Exercise
#7.3c: Common Mistakes Exercise Answers
#7.4a: Responding to Others Exercise #6
#7.4b: Expert Responses to #6 Scenario #15 &
#16
III.
More On Advanced Accurate Empathy:
Caring Enough to be
involved
#1.4: Listening Self-Knowledge
#1.7b: What the Professionals Say About Empathy
#7.5: Discerning Empathy from Sympathy
#7.6a: Responding to Others Exercise #7
#7.6b: Expert Responses to Scenario #17-20
IV. The
Last Frontier (Where to Go From Here)
#7.7: The Last Frontier and discuss
Program
Table of Contents
#7.8: Where to Go from Here: Towards Wisdom and discuss
Postscript: Knowing the above does not make one a "counselor" any
more than knowing how to drive a nail makes one a carpenter. Nevertheless, the above are some of the
most important skills. Mastering these
in love will pave the way to rich relationships that honor God and help
others. Many other skills remain that
are similar or are more advanced. Some
of these are defining goals, identifying themes, pre-problem solving,
relabeling, being concrete, clarifying, personalizing, praising, humor,
identifying behavior, clarifying cause and effect, setting limits, relating
affect and behavior, prompting, stating confidence, summarizing, using metaphor
and analogy, referring, identifying cognition, confronting, focusing,
rehearsing, mutual communication, interpretation, reassuring, providing
rationales, client directing, interpreting non-verbals, modeling, imagery,
developing values, silence, using paradoxes, touching, advice giving, ordering
communication, theoretical interpretation, reasoning, rhetorical questioning.[131] These are combined with other skills to
form a variety of helping disciplines that help persons cope and grow: these include pastoral counseling, crisis
intervention, and the many kinds of psychotherapy from Freudian to
Client-centered; from helping in crises
and family difficulties to aiding in relief from destructive compulsions and
bad habits.
Title
L
O V E,
L
I S T E N I N G,
L
I B E R A T I N G :
T
h e A r t o f
C
h r i s t i a n C a r i n g
"I have found
the paradox that if
I love until it
hurts,
Then there is no
hurt, but only more love."
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
"Love does not
dominate; it cultivates."
Goethe
"Love is the
only force capable of transforming
an enemy into a
friend."
Martin Luther King
"Love begins
when a person feels
another person's
needs are
as important as his
own."
Sullivan
"Greater love
has no one than this, that
he lay down his life
for his friends."
Jesus Christ
Devotion #1:
Biblical Love
Romans 13:9-10
The commandments
. . . are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbors. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the
law. (See
also Mt. 22:37-40, Gal. 5:14, and Lev. 19:18.)
John 15:9-13, 17
9-13 As the Father has
loved me, so have I loved you. Now
remain in my love. If you obey my
commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's
commands and remain in his love. I have
told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he
lay down his life for his friends.
17 This is my
command: Love each other.
1 John 2:10;
3:11, 16-18, 23
2:10 Whoever loves his
brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him to make him stumble.
11 This is the message
you heard from the beginning: We should
love one another.
16-18 This is how we know
what love is: Jesus Christ laid down
his life for us. And we ought to lay
down our lives for our brothers. If anyone
has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him,
how can the love of God be in him? Dear
children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.
23 And this is his
command: to believe in the name of his
Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us.
1 John 4:7, 16, 21
7 Dear friends, let
us love one another, for love comes from God.
Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God
in him.
21 And he has given us
this command: Whoever loves God must
also love his brother.
1 Corinthians 12:31, 13:1-8
31 Eagerly desire the
greater gifts. Now I will show you the most excellent way.
1-3 If I speak in the
tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or
clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of
prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith
that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and
surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4-8 Love is patient,
love is kind. It does not envy, it does
not boast, it is not proud. It is not
rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices in the truth. It always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Love, Listening,
Liberating
Principle
When
you wisely love and wisely listen to a hurting person,
you help that person carry their
burden. Your help liberates.
LIBERATION
WISDOM LOVE
& LISTENING
When
Love and Listening
are divided by
Wisdom,
L
i b e r a t i o n results.
Listening Self-Knowledge
This is a listening self-knowledge test.[132] Read each statement, then place a
"T" for "True" or an "F" for False in the blank.
1. _____ You can't learn to listen. Your are either good at it or not.
2. _____ Listening requires very little effort, just the simple
effort to relax with another.
3. _____ The words listening
and hearing mean the same thing.
4. _____ Listening involves only your ears.
5. _____ A basic "empathy question" that we might ask in
a helping situation might be, "What happened in this person's
childhood?" or "Why does the person do those things?"
6. _____ When I can repeat what a person has said, I have listened
well.
7. _____ Listening is an objective process. Your emotions do not affect your ability to
listen.
8. _____ In a helping situation, I tend to speak consoling words
more than listen.
9. _____ Good speakers are usually good listeners.
10. _____ When responding to feeling
and meaning, one is expressing good sympathy.
11. _____ You listen better as you get
older.
12. _____ To fully respond to another,
we need to accurately reflect the content of another's words.
13. _____ Empathy means understanding
another person's frame of reference.
14. _____ Your need to listen becomes
less after you leave school.
15. _____ You listen primarily to get
information.
Program Outline
Part 1:
The Foundation--Attending Skills
Attending Skills Set #1 Day
1
Biblical Love: Devotional #1
I. Love,
Listening, and Liberating Introduction
II. Attending
Skills Set #1: Body Language and
S-O-L-E-R
Attending Skills Set #2 Day
2
No Greater Love: Devotional #2
I. Listening
and Expectations
II. Attending
Skills Set #2: Reflecting Verbal
Content
Attending Skills Set #3 Day
3
You Must Love Your Brother: Devotional #3
I. Types
of Listening
II. Attending
Skills Set #3: Reflecting Feelings
Part 2: The
Interpersonal Bridge of
Self-Disclosure
Self-Disclosure Day
4
Give of Yourself: Devotional #4
I. The
Interpersonal Check List: Understanding
One's Interpersonal Style
II. The
Interpersonal Bridge of Self-Disclosure
Part 3: The
Connection--Empathic Skills
The Connection--Empathic Skills Level
1 Day
5
From Where Love Came & Why We
Love: Devotional #5
I. An
Introduction to Empathy
II. Empathic
Skills Level 1: Accurate Empathy (AE-I)
The Connection--Empathic Skills Level
2 Day
6
If One Part Suffers, Every Part
Suffers: Devotional #6
I. Empathic
Skills Level 1: Accurate Empathy (AE-I)
II. Empathic
Skills Level 2: Advanced Accurate
Empathy (AE-II)
The Connection--Empathic Skills Level
2 Continued Day
7
LOVE: The Most Excellent Way:
Devotional #7
I. Empathic
Skills Level 2: Advanced Accurate
Empathy (AE-II)
II. More
On Advanced Accurate Empathy
III. The
Last Frontier & Where to Go From Here
Allen Ivey's
Principles to Helping[133]
The Central
Principle:
Listen,
listen, listen,
then
listen some more before taking action or giving advice.
Other Principles:
--Helpees
will talk about topics to which you are able and willing to listen.
However,
avoid prying and rescuing.
--Focus
on the positive: search for positive
assets in the person and
the
person's situation.
--As
a helper, you can be mostly helpful if you are truly yourself.
Seek
to define your own style of helping.
--Earn
trust so that you may listen effectively.
--Attending
and listening at times may be sufficient for effective helping
and
counseling.
--If
you listen first, persons are much more likely to accept your ideas,
advice,
and interpretations later. Even better,
if you listen first, many
persons
will come to useful and correct interpretations on their own.
--Skill
practice may result in a temporary decrease in communication.
However, if you work on the skills and
learn them to near perfection,
they
will become a natural part of you, and you may find yourself
a
greatly improved communicator.
Who Has
Been Heard?
Think back on a time when
someone listened to you in a helpful way.
If you can, get an image of that situation and recall what you saw,
heard, and felt. As you recall that
time, reflect and think on what that person did.
This may help you see the
power and use of listening. Now write
out the answer to the following two questions.
How did
it feel to have someone listen closely?
What
specifically did the listener do which helped?
What the
Professional Say About
Empathy
The
Empathy Professionals[134]
"The imaginative transporting of
oneself into the thinking, feeling, and acting of another
and so structuring the world as he does."
Dymond, 1949
"The term 'empathy' derives from
the Greek word empatheia, which implies an active appreciation of another
person's feeling experience." Astin,
1967
"The capacity to take the role of
the other and to adopt alternative perspectives vis-a-vis
with oneself." Mead,
1934
"The process by which a person
momentarily pretends to himself that he is another person, projects himself
into the perceptual field of the other person, imaginatively puts himself in
the other person's place, in order that he may get an insight into the other
person's probable behavior in a given situation." Coutu, 1951
"The ability to step into another
person's shoes and to step back just as easily into one's own shoes
again. . . . It is not
identification, which involves stepping into another person's shoes and then
being unable or unwilling to get out of them." Blackman,
et al, 1958
The Premier
Empathy Professional[135]
"Entering the private perceptual
world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it. It involves being sensitive, moment to
moment, to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person, to the
fear or rage or tenderness or confusion or whatever. . . . It includes communicating your sensing of
his/her world as you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes. . . . To be with another in this way means that
for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in
order to enter another's world without prejudice. In some sense it means that you lay aside your self, and this can
only be done by a person who is secure enough in himself that he knows he will
not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the
other, and can comfortably return to his own world when he wishes." Rogers, 1975
The Christian
Professional
"Praise be to the God and Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,
who comforts us in all our trouble, so that we can comfort those in any trouble
with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
Paul, A.D. 56, 2 Cor. 1:3-4
The Most
Sacred Professional
"Love your neighbor as
yourself." Jesus,
32 B.C., Mt. 19:19
Our Communication
Remember---
What we say
is not nearly as important
as how we say it!
Egan's S-O-L-E-R[136]
Egan
says that most persons will
"read cues that
indicate the quality of your presence with them."
S-O-L-E-R means: S quare
O pen
L ean
E ye
R elax
S = Squarely
face the person your helping
(do
not turn away)
O = Open
your posture
(do
not cross your arms or be smug)
L = Lean
toward the person
(do
not be lazy, but exhibit attention)
E = Eye
to eye the person
(do
not stare at the wall or into space)
R = Relax
and be natural and comfortable
(do
not be fidgety or exhibit nervousness)
Some questions to ask if you are
attending are:
--What
are my attitudes toward this person?
--How
would I rate the quality of my presence?
--To
what degree does my nonverbal behavior indicate a willingness to work with this
person?
--What
attitudes am I expressing in my nonverbal behavior?
--What
attitudes am I expressing in my verbal behavior?
--In
what ways am I distracted from giving my full attention?
Remember: when love and listening are divided by
wisdom, liberation results. Part of the
"wisdom" will be knowing how to attend
and to what degree you need to
attend.
Assignment #1:
Attending Skills Set 1:
Body
Language
During
this week, observe the body language of those around you in your job,
recreation, or living quarters. As you
observe them, record your observations in answering the questions below. You should use more than one person for each
question. Do not use personal names.
Example of poor
attending: I saw these two brothers
talking. One was clearly excited. But the other was saying, "Ok, ok,
that's great," but he just continued to look down and away. His body language was clearly revealing that
he was anxious to leave. His mind was
on something else.
Others:
Observations/Interactions
1. How did this person exhibit good S-O-L-E-R[137] attending skills:
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
2. What posture/actions did this person do to
show poor attending skills: _________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Yourself:
Observations/Interactions
1. Describe one time this week where you
intentionally practiced
S-O-L-E-R: _____________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
2. Describe one time this week where you
attended poorly:
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Have a good week -- Remember:
Liberation is the result of love & listening divided by wisdom
Assignment #1:
Discrimination Exercise[138]
Read
the quotes and responses below. Read
and think about all of the responses before answering. Look at #1.11: Discrimination Exercise Code.
"4" means very effective and "1" means very
ineffective. Place a "1" at
the worst response and a "4" at the best response, then a 3 at the
next best and a 2 at the next to the last.
Under each section, each response should have a number, and no two
responses should have the same number.
Quote
1: "I don't
know if I'm right or wrong, feeling the way I do. But I find myself withdrawing from people. I don't seem to socialize and play their
stupid little games anymore."
(2)_____ 1. "You're going to have to work hard at
getting them to accept you."
(3)_____ 2. "You're really down because they won't
let you be yourself."
(1)_____ 3. "Friendships like this are precarious at
best."
(4)_____ 4. "You're really feeling low because you
can't be yourself and you want to be yourself."
Quote
2: "Sometimes
I question my adequacy in raising three boys, especially the baby. Well, I call him the baby because he's the
last. I can't have any more so I know I
kept him a baby longer than the others.
He won't let anyone else do things for him. Only Mommy!"
(3)_____ 1. "You feel concerned because your son is
so demanding."
(2)_____ 2. "You are going to have to involve him in
situations where he can develop some independence."
(1)_____ 3. "Could you tell me . . . have you talked
with your husband about this?
(4)_____ 4. "You're really upset with yourself
because you haven't been able to cut the cord and you want to be able to do
what's best."
Have a good week -- Remember: Liberation is the result of love &
listening divided by wisdom
Discrimination Exercise
Code[139]
4
-- Very Effective It is an
accurate response to both where the helpee is
and where he/she wants to be
("You feel ___?___ because you really want to make the right decision . .
."): providing understanding of content and feeling as
well a direction towards a clearer content, deeper feeling, and/or a more
substantial direction.
3
-- Minimally Effective It
communicates an accurate understanding of where the helpee is in terms of both
content and feeling expressed. It
communicates understanding but does not go beyond this understanding to provide
direction: providing understanding of basic content and feeling,
but no meaning and no direction.
2
-- Ineffective It
is directly related to what the helpee said, but it does not respond to the
feelings expressed by the helpee:
providing understanding of content
only, but no understanding of feeling, meaning and may only provide vague
direction that is rather insensitive.
1
-- Very Ineffective Provides
no understanding of content, feeling, or meaning, as well as providing no
direction.
Devotion #2:
No Greater
Love
John
15:9-13, 17
As the Father has loved
me, 9
so have I loved
you.
Now
remain in my love.
If you obey my
commands, you will remain in my love, 10
just as I have
obeyed my Father's commands and
remain in his
love.
I have told you this so
that my joy may be in you
and that your
joy may be complete.
My command is
this: 12
Love each other
as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one
than this, 13
that he lay down
his life for his friends.
This is my
command: Love each other. 17
1
John 3:16-18
This is how we know
what love is: 16
Jesus Christ
laid down his life for us.
And we ought to lay
down our lives for our brothers. 17
If anyone has
material possessions
and sees his
brother in need
but has no pity
on him,
how can the love
of God be in him?
Dear children, let us
not love with words or tongue 18
but with actions
and in truth.
Exploring Attending
Skills[140]
1.
Describe yourself:
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
3. Are you sitting in a way that helps you learn? _______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
2. From that description, what conclusions could you draw about
yourself? _______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
4. What could you change so that you would be better able to learn?
_______________________________________________________
Good
attending moves quickly beyond the physical observations and what these may
indicate. All in all, the helper is
dependent upon the helpee's communications.
At the early stages of a helping relationship, the helper needs some
basic information.
Moving beyond:
We
must respond to the content of a person's troubling circumstance. The next step is to listen to the
content. We focus by asking the 5WH
questions.[141]
5WH
== Who? What?
When? Where? Why?
How
Warning: if these come across as interrogations or prissy curiosities,
the helping process ceases and the helper becomes viewed as an impersonal space
invader. We do not listen to solve the problem for the hurting person. 5WH are not asked to solve problems, but to
gain understanding and to learn how to communicate understanding (and later
move onto to communicate empathy‑‑the essence of a loving
relationship).
Remember: When Love and Listening are divided by
Wisdom, Liberation results. Part of the
"wisdom" will be knowing how to attend
and to what degree you need to
attend.
King Pygmalion
Fashions a Dream
King Pygmalion's
Dream Comes True
Listening,
Expectations, & Growth
Beyond Our
Need to Express
Love, Why Do
We listen?
We Listen to Help
People Grow! ! !
In What
Areas of Life
Can We Grow?
I.
In the Body of Christ!
Paul wrote a lengthy
passage and told us that we make up the body of Christ: 1 Corinthians 12:12-31. We must work together. What is the hand without the foot, the eye
without the hand? To work with someone,
you have to listen and know them.
Growth, then, can be in seeing our need and in our ability to work with others in Christ.
II.
In the Seven Dimensions of
Life!
1. Spiritual growth in relation
to and love for God
2. Social growth through
enlivening our relationships
3. Inner growth through
enlivening our mind
4. Growth in relation to organizations
5. Growth in responsibility
towards our work, rest, and play
6. Physical growth through
maintaining and revitalizing our body
7. Environmental growth through
our stewardship of natural resources[142]
Growth, then, can be in our ability to balance the many dimensions of life.
III.
In Use of the Six
Helping Principles!
1. When a person hurts at least some of the difficulty resides in him or
herself
2. Helping proceeds through understanding first, not by agreement or
disagreement
3. Helping usually proceeds to
help a person help him or herself,
not doing for them
4. Helping involves clarification on ethical issues, not
coercion toward dogma
5. Helping involves real and
true respect, not proceeding through
use of a bag of tricks
6. The occasions for helping are
opportunities for growth for the
helper and helpee[143]
Growth, then, can be in our ability
to help and respect others more effectively.
Reflecting Verbal
Content[144]
Immediately providing advice or condemning or denying the
severity of someone's problems or pain does not help. To liberate a hurting person, one has to stay out of the hurting
person's way long enough so that you can see how the hurting person sees and
defines his or her pain. The best way
to stay out of the way is through the open invitation to talk.
Open/Closed
Questions
Open: Could you tell me a little bit about your _________? (pain, trouble,
struggle, etc.)
How
are things with your family, wife, ___________? (child, wife, boss, etc.)
Closed: Are
you married? Do you get along with you
family, wife, ____________?
With the open
question, "Could," "How," "What" empower a person
to talk. With closed questions, the
"yes" or "no" ("fine/OK/etc.") limits
conversation; use the closed question
sparingly and only to get basic or background information.
Minimal
Encouragers:
Non-verbal minimal encouragers: culturally appropriate eye contact, leaning
forward in
interest, use of open gestures
(S-O-L-E-R)
1.
"Oh?"
"Then?"
"And?"
"Umm-hummmm."
"Uh-huh." 4. Silence
2.
The repetition of one or two key words. 5. "Tell me more."
3.
Simple restatement of the exact same words of the person's last
statement.
Paraphrasing:
The focus is still on the hurting person's view and
expression. When you paraphrase,
you restate what the person is
saying in your own words.
Example: "I have had a terrible time with Bob. Since he got promoted he seems to have
gotten the big head. He keeps telling
me what to do. In fact, yesterday, he
said I wasn't doing good and that if I didn't improve, he'd fire me.
Minimal
encourager: "Fire
you?!" "Oh, man." ("Telling you what to do?"
Paraphrase:
Example: "Richard, you're saying he's giving
you hell and might fire
you!" The minimal encourager leads
him to elaborate in more detail. The
paraphrase gives feedback and lets him know you heard what was said.
Do
note: These are invitations and
not pushy questions!
Reflecting Verbal
Content:
Formula: for reflection
of content You seem to be
saying (insert abbreviated version).
You
mean that (insert abbreviated version).
Remember: When Love and Listening are divided by
Wisdom, Liberation results. Part of the
"wisdom" will be knowing how to tell the obvious from the actual
"content" of a message.
Reflecting
Verbal Content Exercise[145]
Discriminating
Paraphrasing Versus Parroting Exercise:
After each quote, place an "X" beside the accurate
response. When you are finished,
discuss this with your partner.
1. "I'm stuck. My boss
refused to let me do the new project my way.
I didn't check until I'd done 40 hours of work and now I've got to redo
the whole thing by Monday morning."
Responses:
a. "You're saying that you're stuck because your boss refused
to let you do the project your way and now you've got to redo the whole thing
by Monday morning."
______ Parrot _____ Paraphrase
b. "You're saying that you have to invest all that effort
again."
______ Parrot _____ Paraphrase
c. "You're saying that you didn't check in time and now you're
in a tight spot."
______ Parrot _____ Paraphrase
2. "Thanks for all the you've done for me this semester. I was pretty mixed up when I got here, but
now I really feel I've got it together.
I'm passing all my courses for the first time."
Responses:
a. You're saying you're succeeding academically and I made a
difference."
______ Parrot _____ Paraphrase
b. "You're saying that you appreciate my help this
semester. You've gotten it together and
you are passing all your courses."
______ Parrot _____ Paraphrase
c. "You're saying you feel pleased with the effect my
assistance has made on your schoolwork."
______ Parrot _____ Paraphrase
Reflecting Verbal Content Exercise: chose the first talker and first
listener. The first talker chose a
topic (like an interaction with a person) and talk on the topic for a few
minutes. The other person should listen
and use "open questions," "minimal encouragers," and
"paraphrases." Fill out the
following. Then switch.
Speaker #1 topic:___________________ Speaker #2 Topic:________________________
Listener #1 reflected with the
following: Listener #2
reflected with the following:
Open
Question:_____________________ Open
Question:__________________________
_________________________________ _______________________________________
Paraphrase:_______________________ Paraphrase:_____________________________
________________________________ _______________________________________
Minimal Encourager:_______________ Minimal Encourager:_____________________
Assignment #2:
Attending Skills Set
#2:
Reflecting Verbal
Content
During
this week, try to look for the attending skills of reflecting verbal content in
those around you in your job, recreation, or living quarters. As you observe them, record your
observations in answering the questions below.
You should use more than one person for each question. Do not use personal names.
Example of good attending: These two brothers were talking about being
in the field force. One was clearly
angry. The listener was nodding his
head and saying, "Ah-huh . . . Um-ummm." A Pause.
The listener then asked, "You're telling me that they seem to push
you all pretty hard out there."
Others: Observations/Interactions
1. In what way did this person exhibit good
reflection of content skills (open question, minimal encourager,
paraphrase):________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
2. Describe one example of poor reflection of
content skills (closed questions, judgments):
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Yourself: Observations/Interactions
1. Describe one time this week where you used
good reflection of content with an open question, a minimal encourager, or
paraphrase:_____________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
2. If you can, describe one time this week
where you used poor reflection of content:____________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
Have a good week -- Remember: Liberation is the result of love &
listening divided by wisdom
Assignment #2:
Discrimination Exercise[146]
Read
the quotes and responses below. Read
and think about all of the responses before answering. Look at #1.11: Discrimination Exercise Code.
"4" means very effective and "1" means very ineffective. Place a "1" at the worst response
and a "4" at the best response, then a "3" at the next best
and a "2" at the next to the last.
Under each section, each response should have a number, and no two
responses should have the same number.
Quote
3: "Damn
those people! Who do they think they
are? I just can't stand interacting
with them anymore. What a bunch of
phonies!"
(4)_____ 1. "You're furious with yourself because you
aren't able to handle them and you know you should."
(1)_____ 2. "Why do you feel these people are
phony? What do they say to you?"
(2)_____ 4. "You're going to have to learn to assert
yourself with these phonies."
(3)_____ 5. "You're angry because they're so
phony."
Quote
4: "I get so
frustrated and furious with my daughter.
I just don't know what to do with her.
She's so bright and sensitive, but damn, she has some characteristics
that make me so on edge. I can't handle
it sometimes."
(1)_____ 1. "Daughters are something else, aren't
they?"
(2)_____ 2. "Why don't you try giving your daughter
some very precise limitations. Tell her
what you expect from her and what you don't expect from her. No excuses!"
(3)_____ 3. "She makes you very angry because she
isn't living up to her potential."
(4)_____ 4. "You're really upset because you can't
seem to be able to get her mobilized and you really want to."
Quote
5: "I finally
found some people I can really get along with.
There is no pretentiousness about them at all. They're real and they understand me. I can be myself with them."
(3)_____ 1. "That's a really good feeling to be with
people who care about you."
(1)_____ 2. "Why do you think these people accept
you?"
(4)_____ 3. "You're really happy because you can be
yourself."
(2)_____ 4. "Now that you have found these people who
enjoy you and whom you enjoy, make sure you don't do anything to mess it all
up."
Have a good week -- Remember: Liberation is the result of love &
listening divided by wisdom
Devotion #3:
You Must
Love Your Brother
1 John
4:21
He
has given us this command:
whoever
loves God
must
also
love
his brother.
Getting
to know your brothers and sisters is one sure way to grow in your love. The only way to truly get to know your
brothers is to spend time with them, listening to their joys and
struggles. The only way to truly get to
know anyone is to spend time with them and to listen intently to their struggles
of heart and soul.
As
you listen closely to them, you will hear the deep flowing rivers within the
soul of your loved one. You will then
learn how to more wisely pray for them as well as how to be a better friend.
Ten Most
Practiced
Nonproductive
Listening Habits[147]
1. Lack of Interest in the Subject:
G.K. Chesterton once said, "There are no
uninteresting subjects. There are only
uninterested people." Those with
the widest interests are the most interesting people, the best listeners, and
the most successful listeners. 80% of
the time you can find value in any conversation.
2. Becoming so Preoccupied with the Package that You Miss the
Content: good listeners notice but go beyond speech,
accent, dress, grammar; speaking style,
monotone or excited, playing with objects, wearing unattractive attire.
3. Interrupting the Speaker: drawing premature conclusions distracts or distorts and slows
communication. Effective listeners,
"Hold their fire" until they have heard the whole message.
4. Focusing on Details and Missing the Point: like "Dragnet's" Sergeant Friday, these folks listen
only to the facts. Effective listeners
identify the concepts, the hub of the wheel, and the deeper meaning.
5. Forcing Everything into a Preconceived Outline: imposing your own organizational pattern on a message. Effective listeners hear how things are, not
how they wish them to be.
6. Demonstrating an Inactive Body State: a lack of attending skills turns speakers off (no S-O-L-E-R).
7. Creating or Tolerating Distractions: find the area in a room where there are the fewest distractions
and make the speaker the most visible.
Do you allow anything to divert conversation?
8. Tuning Out Difficult Material: exercising the mind and work on weak areas. One does not have to know all of the words
of a sentence in order to pick up the meaning.
9. Letting Emotions Block the Message: sometimes nonverbal messages send a louder message than do the
verbal messages, especially with messages that challenge or contradict our own
values and beliefs.
10. Daydreaming: by concentration and exercise,
one can learn from a speaker even more than the speaker intended. Over 700,000 nonverbal cues can be observed. People generally speak at about 150 words a
minutes, yet the average adult can listen and comprehend about 282 words a
minutes.
Four Kinds of
Listening & Reflecting Feelings
Four Kinds
of Listening[148]
Discriminative Listening: having the capacity to
distinguish the excellent, the appropriate, or the true. We do this when we go places to learn
something special, new, or unusual.
The Strategy for
discriminating listening: concentrate
on main ideas, the speaker's pattern/organization, be aware of feedback, and
consciously formulate questions to clarify.
Evaluative Listening: having the capacity to determine the value of a speaker's
persuasion or influence on us. A
speaker is attempting to gain our attention, win our influence, sell us
something, or win us over--so we evaluate the speaker's affect on our
feelings.
The Strategy for
evaluative listening: immediately
appraise the evidence, delay analysis of the evidence, increase your knowledge
in the specific area, recognize the strategy of the persuader, identify common fallacies
(always has, always will) and propaganda techniques, identify any changes in
belief or attitude.
Appreciative Listening: having the capacity to hear for
pleasure, admiration, to hear with the agenda to appreciate or give esteem to
the song, music, speaker, or person speaking.
We listen in this way to improve the human being that we are.
The Strategy for
appreciative listening: expend the
effort to listen closely, set aside time to listen and adopt a physically and
mentally receptive attitude, identify the leisure time listening we like the
most, and explore new listening pleasures.
Empathic Listening: having the capacity to understand
intimately the feelings, thoughts, and motives of another. It is the capacity to get inside the skin of
another person and see the world as they do.
We seek to feel what the other is feeling.
The Strategy for
empathic listening: avoid judgment
("I like that," "that was a waste of time," "was
boring"), give the speaker time, and focus on the speaker.
NOTE: First three
kinds of listening--intrinsic--we
listen to grow or profit personally.
Empathic listening is extrinsic--we listen so that the other person may grow.
Reflecting Feelings:
Formulas: for self-disclosure I feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience) .
for reflection of feeling You seem to feel (insert
feeling word) because (insert experience).
Use
#3.4: Feeling Faces and #3.5a-e: Feeling Words as aids in finding the best
word.
Remember: When Love and Listening are divided by
Wisdom, Liberation results. Part of the
"wisdom" will be knowing how to hear the obvious and not so obvious
feelings.
Feeling Faces
Categorized Feeling
Words
Categorized Feeling
Words
Categorized Feeling
Words
Categorized Feeling
Words
Categorized Feeling
Words
A Continuum
of Feeling Words
Level
of Category of Feeling[149]
Intensity Happy Sad Angry Scared Confused Strong Weakness
Excited Hopeless Furious Fearful Bewildered Potent Overwhelmed
_High Elated Depressed Seething Afraid Trapped Super Impotent
Overjoyed Devastated Enraged Threatened Troubled Powerful Vulnerable
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_Medium Cheerful Upset Agitated Edgy Disorganized Energetic Incapable
Up Distressed Frustrated Insecure Mixed-Up Confident Helpless
Good Sorry Irritated Uneasy Awkward Capable Insecure
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_Low Glad Down Uptight Timid Bothered Sure Shaky
Content Low Dismayed Unsure Uncomfortable Secure Unsure
Satisfied Bad Annoyed Nervous Undecided Solid Bored
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
_________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________
Hint: The intensity of any feeling word actually
depends upon the person with whom it is used.
Responding
We
respond with our body, our energy, our eyes, our words, and our feelings.
When we respond, we respond to Content--- the words of the person
Feelings--- the feelings of the person
When we respond to meaning, Meaning--- the deep value-rich meanings/feelings
we show the person that have
captured both the content and feelings of their struggle.
Formulas: for self-disclosure I feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience) .
for reflection of feeling You seem to feel (insert
feeling word) because (insert experience).
When a
person is hated and despised, that person usually hates and despises in
return. Even the best of us have
trouble remaining positive in negative circumstances. Even in the worst circumstances, the person who remains strong
usually does so because of the nurture of the loving relationships in his or
her past. Yet when is person is
respected and loved, they receive affirmation and strength. Listening is the key to showing respect and
love. So each time we wisely love and listen in respect, we
liberate‑‑to some extent we liberate that person or help share that
person's burden.
Remember: Liberation is the result of love & listening divided by
wisdom
Six Reasons
that Inhibit Self-Disclosure[150]
1. The
Flight from Self-Knowledge. Inevitably, the individual is his own severest
judge. Self-disclosure is one of the
principal ways of communicating not only with others but also with
oneself. Self-disclosure crystallizes
aspects of the self that a person would rather live with silently‑‑however
painful the living‑‑than face.
2. The
Fear of Intimacy. Deep self-disclosure brings some degree of intimacy. Even though some have the courage to let
others see the "mystery of iniquity" or even the "mystery of
goodness" that they are, they flee the intimacy that could result. For some people, the fear of human relations
is greater than the fear of death.
3. Flight
from Responsibility and Change. This is a flight from the anxiety and work involved in
constructive personal change.
Self-disclosure leads to the revelation of areas of deficit and of
aspiration in human living.
Self-disclosure commits one to conversion, to the process of
restructuring one's life; it demands
that one leave the security of his own house and journey into a foreign
land. The pressure to change is greater
than in a one-to-one situation, facing the implicit or explicit demands of the
community.
4. The
Reverse Halo Effect. The "halo effect" means that a person competent
in one area is likely to be judged by many to be similarly competent other
areas (even when not). Therefore, one
may feel threatened at revealing him/herself for fear that such a weakness will
be related to all areas of his/her life.
If one admits to problems in his private life, he fears that others will
assume incompetence in his professional life.
5. The
Problem of Guilt and Shame. Shame is primarily the exposure of self to oneself: a weakness or deficit one did not see until
"shamed." There is a quality
of suddenness. In a flash one sees his
or her unrecognized inadequacies.
Without being ready for the revelation of self to self, much less will
one be ready to expose self to others.
The acceptance of one's flaws and exposure of them to others can be
among the most significant kinds of growth experiences.
6. Fear of
Rejection. At the heart of this is the thinking that "If others
really knew me, they wouldn't accept
me." A lot of the time, this is
based upon the thinking that others will not accept me because, deep down, I
don't accept myself.
Remember: When Love and Listening are divided by
Wisdom, Liberation results. Part of the
"wisdom" will be knowing when and how much to self-disclose in any
situation.
Listening to
Your Own Feelings
and Emotions[151]
With
your partner, look at the two examples, then share an instance of being
"accepted"
and of being "scared" with each other. You may use the same examples, but add your own.
Example 1: Accepted--When I feel accepted,
I feel warm inside, safe. I feel like sharing
myself.
I feel like sitting back and relaxing. I feel some of my fears easing away.
I feel free to be myself. I feel at home, at
peace.
I feel I can let my guard down. I feel my loneliness drifting
away.
Example 2: Scared--When I feel scared,
My mouth dries up. I turn in on
myself.
There are butterflies in my stomach. I feel useless.
I feel like running away. I'm unable to
concentrate.
I feel the need to talk to someone. I feel very unsafe.
Read
each of the following feelings. Then
pick two, preferably a positive and negative one. Take turns and describe the feeling to your partner. Describe what you feel as concretely
as possible. How does your body
react? What happens inside you? What do you feel like doing? Try to picture yourself in situations in
which you have actually experienced these emotions. Try the ones with which you have difficulty. What is important is that you listen to yourself as you have
experienced these emotions in the past.
1. Abandoned 9. Competitive 17.
Hurt 25. Repulsed
2. Affectionate 10. Confused 18. Inferior 26. Respect
3. Afraid 11. Defensive 19. Intimate 27. Sad
4. Angry 12. Disappointed 20. Jealous 28. Satisfied
5. Anxious 13. Free 21. Joyful 29. Shy
6. Attracted 14. Frustrated 22. Lonely 30. Suspicious
7. Bored 15. Guilty 23. Loving 31. Superior
8. Belonging 16. Hopeful 24. Rejected 32. Trusting
in
community
Once
you have described how you feel when you feel these emotions, you should have a
wider repertory of words, phrases, and statements both to describe your own
emotional states and to identify emotional states in others. Listening to your own emotions is a prelude
to listening to the emotions of others.
In your spare time, alone, and periodically try other words. Writing them will help.
Responding to
Others Exercise #1[152]
Example: A man, 27, is talking to a minister about a visit with his mother
the
previous day: "I just don't know
what got into me! She kept nagging me
the way she always does, asking me why I don't visit her more often. As she went on, I go more and more angry. (He looks away from the counselor and looks
toward the floor.) I finally began
screaming at her. I told her to get off
my case. (He puts his hands over his
face.) I can't believe what I did! I called her a bitch. (Shaking his head.) I called her a bitch about three times and
then I left and slammed the door."
How
does this person feel? embarrassed, guilty, ashamed, distraught, amazed,
extremely
disappointed with himself, remorseful
Scenario 1
A
man, 53, about to get divorced:
"My wife and I just decided to get a divorce. (His voice is very soft, his speech is slow,
halting.) I really don't look forward
to the legal part of it (Pause.) to any part of it to tell the
truth. I just don't know what to
expect. (She sighs heavily.) I'm well into middle age. I don't think another marriage is
possible. I just don't know what to
expect."
How Does this person
feel?___________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
How intense is the
emotion or emotions and how do you know?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
Scenario 2
A
man, 45, with a daughter, 14, who was just hit by a car: "I should never have allowed my
daughter to go to the movies alone. (He
keeps wringing his hands.) I don't know
what my wife will say when she gets home from work. (He grimaces.) She says
I'm careless‑‑but being careless with the kids‑‑that's
something else! (He stands up and walks
around.) I almost feel as if I
had broken Karen's arm, not the guy in that other car. (He sits down, stares at the floor, keeps
tapping his fingers on the desk.) I
don't know."
How Does this person
feel?___________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
How intense is the
emotion or emotions and how do you know?______________________________
_______________________________________________________________________________
Assignment #3:
Attending Skills Set #3:
Responding to Feelings
During
this week, monitor how you feel in response to others around you in your job,
recreation, or living quarters. Also
identify how others feel. As you
observe your feelings and the feelings of others, record your observations by
answering the questions below. You
should use more than one person for each question. Do not use personal names.
Example of monitoring
feelings in self: I just got a new
cellie and he stinks. I do not think he
has showered since he has been here.
When I confronted him about his smell, he just ignored me. I almost blew up. I was so angry at him that I could have ____?____. I was also confused, because I did not know
just what to do or say without a fight.
Yourself:
Observations/Interactions
1. Describe one time this week where you felt
an intense feeling:
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
2. Did you share this feeling with someone
else? (circle one: Yes
No ) If "Yes," then try to describe how the other person
responded to you: _______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Others:
Observations/Interactions
1. Describe your observation of a person
exhibiting an intense feeling. What was
the person feeling? How did he express
this feeling? Be specific.
______________________________________
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________
2. Describe how the person or persons
responded. What did the responder
say? Do? Act?__________________________________
_______________________________________________________
Have a good week -- Remember: Liberation is the result of love &
listening divided by wisdom
Assignment #3:
Discrimination Exercise[153]
Read
the quotes and responses below. Read
and think about all of the responses before
answering. Look at #1.11: Discrimination Exercise Code. "4" means very effective and
"1" means very ineffective.
Place a "1" at the worst response and a "4" at the
best response, then a "3" at the next best and a "2" at the
next to the last. Under each section,
each response should have a number, and no two responses should have the same
number.
Quote 6: "I'm so pleased with the kids. They are doing just great!
They have done so well at school and at home; they get along so well
together. It's really amazing!"
(2)_____ 1. "You've really got to work hard to stay
on top of this now."
(1)_____ 2. "Do you feel this is a permanent
change?"
(4)_____ 3. "You're really proud because you've been
able to get your children 'together' and that's what you've always wanted to
do."
(3)_____ 4. "You feel pleased to have your kids
settled."
Quote 7: "I'm so thrilled to have found a counselor like you. I didn't know any existed. You seem to understand me so well. It's really great!"
(1)_____ 1. "Gratitude is a natural emotion."
(3)_____ 2. "You're really pleased with the way
things are going."
(4)_____ 3. "You're happy because you've been able to
use the experience well and that's what it's all about. It makes me happy too."
(2)_____ 4. "That's fine, but let's work to keep this
process going."
Quote 8: "Gee, I'm so disappointed.
I thought we could get along together and you could help me. We don't seem to be getting anywhere. You don't understand me. You don't even know I'm here."
(1)_____ 1. "I have no reason to not try to help
you. I have every reason to want to
help you."
(2)_____ 2. "We're going to have to work harder on
this thing before we can solve it."
(3)_____ 3. "It's pretty disappointing for you
because I haven't been able to help you."
(4)_____ 4. "I feel badly that you feel so low
because we haven't been able to get you going and that's why you're here."
Have a good week -- Remember: Liberation is the result of love &
listening divided by wisdom
[131]Adapted from Coyle, "Counseling Ministry Training Program".
[132]Adapted from, Listening by Doing, 2, and Carkhuff's, Trainer's Guide for The Art of Helping VII, 132-133. Full bibliographic material for all of the abbreviated works can be found in the bibliography.
[133]Adapted from Ivey, Basic Attending Skills, 6-13, 58, 109.
[134]Goldstein and Michaels, Empathy, 1-3.
[135]Rogers, "Empathic: An Unappreciated Way of Being," 4. Cf., Eisenberg & Strayer, Empathy and Its Development, 27-9, Ivey, Microcounseling, 128-131, and Muse, et al., "Are Religiously Integrated Therapists More Empathic," Journal of Pastoral Care 48 (Spring, 1994): 14-23.
[136]Adapted from Egan, The Skilled Helper, 5th ed., 108-111, and Interpersonal Living (1976), 96-98.
[137]Adapted from Egan, The Skilled Helper (1990), 108-111, and Interpersonal Living (1976), 96-98.
[138]Adapted from Carkhuff, Trainer's Guide for The Art of Helping VII, 109-121.
[139]Adapted from Carkhuff, Trainer's Guide for The Art of Helping VII, 106, 109, 118.
[140]Adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook for The Art of Helping VII, 13.
[141]Adapted from Carkhuff, The Art of Helping VII, 75, 92-95.
[142]Adapted and renumbered from Clinebell, Counseling for Spiritually Empowered Wholeness, 3-23.
[143]Adapted
from Hiltner, Pastoral Counseling:
How Every Pastor Can Help People to Help Themselves,
19-26
[144]Adapted from Ivey's Basic Attending Skills, 37-39, 53-57.
[145]Adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook for The Art of Helping VII, 45.
[146]Adapted from Carkhuff, Trainer's Guide for The Art of Helping VII, 109-121.
[147]Adapted from Robertson, Listen for Success: A Guide to Effective Listening, 16-27.
[148]Adapted from Wolff, et al., Perceptive Listening, 46-68.
[149]Adapted from Carkhuff, The Art of Helping VII, 107; Student Workbook: for The Art of Helping VII, 63.
[150]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 44-47.
[151]Adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 12-13.
[152]Adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 14-17.
[153]Adapted from Carkhuff, Trainer's Guide for The Art of Helping VII, 109-121.