#4.1

 

Devotion  #4:

 

Give  of  Yourself

 

           Luke 6:38

                Give, and it will be given to you.

                        A good measure, pressed down,

                        shaken together and running over,

                        will be poured into your lap.

                For with the measure you use,

                        it will be measured to you.

 

           1 John 3:16-18

        This is how we know what love is: 

                Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. 

        And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 

        If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need

                but has no pity on him,

                how can the love of God be in him? 

        Dear children,

                let us not love with words or tongue

                but with actions and in truth.

 

 

           James 5:16

                Therefore confess your sins to each other and

                        pray for each other so that you may be healed. 

                        The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

 

 

           Matthew 6:21

                For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

 

 

           Proverbs 4:23

                Above all else, guard your heart,

                        For it is a wellspring of life.

#4.2a

 

Interpersonal  Check  List  (ICL)[131]    (Page 1 of 3)

 

 

Name:_________________________________                                                Person Described:______________________

 

Circle the number in front of words or phrases that would usually describe the person

 

 1  Able to give orders                    23  Considerate

 2  Appreciative                              24  Cold and unfeeling

 3  Apologetic                                 25  Can complain if necessary

 4  Able to take care of self             26  Cooperative

 5  Accepts advice readily               27  Complaining

 6  Able to doubt others                  28  Can be indifferent to others

 7  Affectionate and understanding  29  Critical of others

 8  Acts important                           30  Can be obedient

 9  Able to criticize self                   31  Cruel and unkind

10  Admires and imitates others      32  Dependent

11  Agrees with everyone                33  Dictatorial

12  Always ashamed of self             34  Distrusts everybody

13  Very anxious to be approved of 35  Dominating

14  Always giving advice                 36  Easily embarrassed

15  Bitter                                       37  Eager to get along with others

16  Big-hearted and unselfish          38  Easily fooled

17  Boastful                                    39  Egotistical and conceited

18  Businesslike                             40  Easily led

19  Bossy                                       41  Encourages others

20  Can be frank and honest           42  Enjoys taking care of others

21  Clinging vine                            43  Expects everyone to admire him

22  Can be strict if necessary          44  Faithful follower

#4.2b

 

Interpersonal  Check  List  (ICL)   (Page 2 of 3)

 

 

45  Frequently disappointed            67  Kind and reassuring

46  Firm but just                            68  Likes responsibility

47  Fond of everyone                      69  Lack self-confidence

48  Forceful                                   70  Likes to compete with others

49  Friendly                                    71  Lets others make decision

50  Forgives anything                     72  Likes everybody

51  Frequently angry                      73  Likes to be taken care of

52  Friendly all the time                  74  Loves everyone

53  Generous to a fault                   75  Makes a good impression

54  Gives freely of self                    76  Manages others

55  Good leader                              77  Meek

56  Grateful                                   78  Modest

57  Hard-boiled when necessary      79  Hardly

58  Helpful                                     80  Often admired

59  Hardhearted                             81  Obeys too willingly

60  Hard to convince                      82  Often gloomy

61  Hot tempered                            83  Outspoken

62  Hard to impress                        84  Overprotective

63  Impatient with other's mistakes 85  Often unfriendly

64  Independent                              86  Over sympathetic

65  Irritable                                   87  Often helped by others

66  Jealous                                     88  Passive and unaggressive

#4.2c

 

Interpersonal  Check  List  (ICL)   (Page 3 of 3)

 

 

89  Proud and self-satisfied            112  Straightforward and direct

90  Always pleasant and agreeable 113  Stubborn

91  Resentful                                  114  Suspicious

92  Respected by others                  115  Too easily influenced by friends

93  Rebels against everything         116  Thinks only of self

94  Resents being bossed                117  Tender and softhearted

95  Self-reliant and assertive          118  Timid

96  Sarcastic                                  119  Too lenient with others

97  Self-punishing                           120  Touchy and easily hurt

98  Self-confident                           121  Too willing to give to others

99  Self-seeking                              122  Tries to be too successful

100  Shrewd and calculating           123  Trusting and eager to please

101  Self-respecting                        124  Tries to comfort

102  Shy                                         125  Usually gives in

103  Sincere and devoted to friends 126  Very respectful of authority

104  Selfish                                    127  Wants everyone's love

105  Skeptical                                128  Well-thought-of

106  Sociable and neighborly          129  Wants to be led

107  Slow to forgive a wrong          130  Will confide in anyone

108  Somewhat snobbish                 131  Warm

109  Spineless                                132  Wants everyone to like him/her

110  Stern but fair                          133  Will believe anyone

111  Spoils people with kindness     134  Well behaved

#4.2c

 

Interpersonal  Check  List  Score  Sheet

 

1.  In the columns below, circle the same numbers that you circled on the ICL Check
List.  Count the number of circled items in each row and column.  Place the sum of each row to the right, the sum of each column on the bottom.  The total column and row counts should be equal, indicating the total "Number of Items Circled" (NIC) in the lower right hand corner.

 

2.  Multiply sums of the rows by the number indicated at the right.  Add all the sums, then divide by the NIC to obtain the "Average INtensity" (AIN) of the items circled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.  Place the totals of each column below in the corresponding
lettered box.  Then do the arithmetic indicated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#4.2d

 

Interpersonal  Check  List  Profile  Sheet--Sixteenths

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The  Sixteenths

Copy your sixteen column totals to the center of the circle above marked "A" through "P."  Then go from the center and place an "X" at the number indicated by each column total.  Then draw a line that connects all the "Xs."  Low scores toward the center suggest relatively positive descriptions, and high scores suggest more negative descriptions.

#4.2e

 

Interpersonal  Check  List  Profile  Sheet--Dom/Lov

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dominant/Loving  Scales

Copy your DOM and LOV scores in the two boxes outside the circle.  Then locate each on the two axes of the circle.  Shade in the bar from the center of the circle to the corresponding score.

 

Interpretation:   These two scores contain the major information concerning how you described yourself or other party.  They represent two essentially independent aspects of your method of interaction:  dominant vs. submissive and loving vs. hostile.

 

Scale  Score    Self-Description

DOM    High +     I take charge, lead, persuade, control, manage, and dominate others for my own purposes.

             High  ‑‑   I follow, give in, put myself down, accommodate, obey, and submit to others in a dependent way.

 

LOV      High +     I love, comfort, spoil, protect, agree with, forgive, and sympathize with others to get their affection.

             High  ‑‑   I distrust, rebel against, complain about, resent, feel anger toward others in a self-centered way.

#4.3

 

Some  Rules  of  Self-Disclosure[132]

 

In General:   Indirect self-disclosure happens at every moment through "how" the
helper communicates.  Direct self-disclosure can signal that the helper is "down to earth" and "honest."  This can help the hurting person disclose.  Yet some people become frightened by it, thinking the helper to be not that well-adjusted.  Therefore, too much or none can signal distrust.

Dimensions:   Self-disclosure is not an end in itself.  Appropriate and relevant self-disclosure can be seen from several dimensions:  breadth (amount of info), depth (intimacy of info), duration (amount of time spent sharing), target person/s, the nature of the relationship (whether close or distant friends, work associates, authority figures, etc.), and the situation. 

1.  Make sure that your disclosures are appropriate.   Appropriateness can be seen if it helps the helpee talk, develops new perspectives or frames of reference, helps them set realistic goals, and moves them to act.  Disclosure that becomes exhibitionistic deflects focus from the helpee to the helper.

2.  Keep your disclosure selective and focused.   Selective bits help the helpee focus and find a resolution through the struggle.  Rambling stories distract, and rambling can easily become self-serving, turning the helpee into the helper.  Focus then shifts to some unresolved conflict within the helper.

3.  Do not burden the person.   The height of insensitivity is seen when a counselor‑‑in his/her attempt to self-disclose‑‑overloads a helpee with some previous crisis.  For instance, if a helpee says, "Hey, don't tell me your problems.  I'm having a hard enough time dealing with my own."  Then up to this point in the conversation the helper has totally ignored the burden of the person sharing.  No listening has taken place.  The helper has gotten caught up in his/her own reminiscing, and the reminiscing has distracted the helpee.

4.  Reasonable Risk.  Just as a climate of trust enables you to risk yourself, it is also true that taking a reasonable risk creates a climate of trust.

5.  Respect and Caring.  These must be present to establish a substantial and meaningful relationship.  Know who you respect and do not respect at the outset.  These attitudes must be dealt with before you can go further and will determine to some extent the depth of relationship that can be attained.

6.  Response as a Sign of Reception and Validation.  The best response to someone's disclosure is not another disclosure, but rather some kind of validation that the person was first heard and understood.

7.  Timing:  Self-Disclosure as Emergent.  Your disclosure should not be a purple spot on a field of green.  The disclosure ought to be related to what is taking place.

8.  Remain flexible.   Each situation is unique.  The hurting person should come first.

Formula:  for self-disclosure      I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

Remember:   When Love and Listening are divided by Wisdom, Liberation results.  Part of the "wisdom" will be knowing when and how much to self-disclose in any situation.

#4.4

 

Self Disclosure Exercises

 

The Incomplete Sentence Exercise:[133]   Sometimes it is difficult to say
something about yourself.  This exercise can be a stimulus to help you think about your interpersonal life.  Finish each sentence relatively quickly;  that is, do not spend a great deal of time thinking of what you will (or should) say.  In pairs, one person start with the first five sentences, then switch persons;  the second person takes the second set of five sentences and so forth till completion.

 

 1.  People who love me . . .                        11.  I like people who . . .

 2.  I feel lonely when . . .                          12.  When someone gets angry with me, I . . .

 3.  Those who really know me . . .             13.  When others put me down, I . . .

 4.  I dislike people who . . .                       14.  In groups I get nervous when . . .

 5.  I am at my best with people when . . .   15.  When someone knows the best in me . . .

 

 6.  One thing I really like about myself is . . .       16.  I get angry with another when . . .

 7.  I envy . . .                                            17.  In groups, I will run away from . . .

 8.  Those who don't know me well . . .        18.  I feel awkward with others when . . .

 9.  I get hurt when . . .                              19.  When sharing my values, I . . .

10.  I daydream about . . .                          20.  When I feel good about myself, I . . .

 

Self-Disclosure Exercise:   Each partner choose a different topic from the above list and write it in the space below.  The person who started second above should be first this time.  After writing in your topics, the first person begins to share, and the helping/listener attempts to exhibit SOLER skills, reflection of content skills, and reflection of feeling skills.  Summarize your responses.

 

Person #1                                            Helper #1 Responses

Share topic:________________________      Reflection of Feeling:

__________________________________                                                           ____________________________________________

__________________________________                                                           ____________________________________________

 

Person #2                                            Helper #2 Responses

Share topic:________________________      Reflection of Feeling:

__________________________________                                                           ____________________________________________

__________________________________                                                           ____________________________________________

Formula:  for self-disclosure      I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

                for reflection of feeling     You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

References:  #1.9:  S-O-L-E-R, #2.5:  Reflecting Verbal Content, #3.3:  Four Kinds of Listening & Reflecting Feelings, #3.4:  Feeling Faces, and #3.5a-e:  Feeling Words.

4.5a

 

Assignment  #4:   Self-Disclosure

 

During this week, monitor how and what you reveal about yourself to others in your job,
recreation, or living quarters (or what you do not reveal).  Also try to identify how you felt.  As you observe your self-disclosure and feelings, record your observations by answering the questions below.  Do not use personal names.

 

Example of observing a self-disclosure:   I was in the gym playing Ping-Pong with a friend from Dallas.  We barely knew each other then, but he knew my father.  I recollected how my dad and I used to go fishing.  How special that time was.  Just for an instant I felt like I had been transported back ten years ago.  I missed my dad and felt lonely.  I loved my father as a son and as a friend.  (Though I did not tell him, I was also scared I would lose my father before I got out.)

 

Yourself:  Observations/Interactions

1.  Describe one self-disclosure and feeling you felt this week:

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

2.  At this time, was there a feeling you felt but did not share? If yes, describe: _______________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

Others:  Observations/Interactions

1.  Describe your observation of a person self-disclosing and his feeling: ________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

 

Have a good week -- Remember:  Liberation is the result of love & listening divided by wisdom

#4.5b

 

Assignment  #4:   Discrimination  Exercise[134]

 

Read the quotes and responses below.  Read and think about all of the responses before
answering.  Look at #1.11:  Discrimination Exercise Code.  "4" means very effective and "1" means very ineffective.  Place a "1" at the worst response and a "4" at the best response.  Under each section, each response should have a number, and no two responses should have the same number.

 

Quote  9:   "I love my children and my husband and I like doing most household things.  They get boring at times, but on the whole, I think it can be very rewarding.  I don't miss working, going to the office every day.  Some women complain of being just a housewife and mother . . . .  But, then again, I wonder if there is more for me."

(1)_____       1.  "Who are these other people?"

(2)_____       2.  "You're going to have to try to see if there's anything else out there that you'd like to do."

(4)_____       3.  "You're confused because you can't tell what else is out there for you and you'd like to know."

(3)_____       4.  "You feel unsure because of all the unanswered questions about you life."

 

Quote  10:   "It's not an easy thing to talk about this with you.  I guess it's sort of a sexual problem.  I never thought I would have this sort of a problem.  But I find myself not getting the fulfillment I used to."

(2)_____       1.  "You're going to have to spend a lot more time talking this over with your wife."

(1)_____       2.  "What about other dimensions of your relationship with your wife?  How does she function as a mother and companion?"

(3)_____       3.  "You're unsure of where the whole marriage stands because right now it's just not working out."

(4)_____       4.  "You're afraid because you haven't found satisfaction and you want it."

 

Quote  11:   "They wave that degree up like it's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I used to think that too, until I tried it.  I'm happy being a housewife.  I don't care to get a degree.  But the people I associate with, the first thing they ask is, 'Where did you get your degree?' I answer, 'I don't have one."  Damn, they look at you like you are some sort of a freak,  some back woodswoman your husband picked up along the trail.  They actually believe that people with degrees are better."

(1)_____       1.  "What do you mean by 'it makes me sick?"

(2)_____       2.  "Go ahead and work things out for yourself and don't let the others get to you."

(4)_____       3.  "You're angry because you aren't able to handle their expectations and you want to."

(3)_____       4.  "You really resent the way other people set goals for you."

Have a good week -- Remember:  Liberation is the result of love & listening divided by wisdom

#5.1

 

Devotion  #5:

 

 

From  Where  Love  Came  &

 

Why  We  Love

 

1 John 4:15-21

 

       If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God,       . . . 15

       God lives in him and he in God. 

       And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.

 

God  is  love.                                                                        . . . 16

       Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

       In this way, love is made complete among us

               so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment,

               because in this world we are like him.

 

There  is  no  fear  in  love.                                       . . . 18

       But perfect love drives out fear,

               because fear has to do with punishment. 

       The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

 

We  love  because  he  first  loved  us.                     . . . 19

 

If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. 

       For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen,

               cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

 

And he has given us this command: 

                             Whoever  loves  God 

                                   must  also  love  his  brother. . . . 21

#5.2a

 

Scriptural  Overview  of  Empathy

 

The Empathy Question is: 

 

                If I were the hurting person,

                        doing and saying these things, how would I feel?"

 

Empathy Is Scriptural:

 

1 Corinthians 12:12, 26:   12The body is a unit, though it is made up of may parts;  and though all its parts are many, they form one body.  So it is with Christ. . . .  26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it;  if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

 

James 2:8-9:   If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right.  But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers.

 

Hebrews 2:17-18:   For this reason he had to be made like his brothers in every way, in order that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in service to God, and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.  Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

 

Hebrews 4:15:   For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are‑‑yet without sin.

 

2 Corinthians 1:3-7:   Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.  For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

 

Empathy Is a Part of Love:

 

John 15:12:   My command is this:  Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

 

Philippians 1:7-9:   It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart;  for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me.  God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.  And this is my prayer:  that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight . . .

 

#5.2b

 

Overview  of  Empathy  Behavior

 

The Empathy Question is:  If I were the hurting person, doing and saying these things,
                                                                                                                        how would I feel?"

Empathy is:     Accurate Discrimination:  get inside the other person, look at the world from his
                   perspective, and get a feeling for what his world is like.
and        Accurate Communication:  share an understanding that shows the person that
                   you have picked up, generally the person's feelings and experiences or
                   behavior underlying the feelings.

 

Level  1:   Accurate  Empathy (AE-I)---primary-level accurate empathy is a communication to the other person that you understand what the person says explicitly about his/herself.  You do not try to dig down into what the other person is only half-saying, or implying, or stating implicitly.  You do not try to interpret.  You try to get inside his or her skin and get in touch with what the person is experiencing.

 

Level  2:   Advanced  Accurate  Empathy (AE-II)---advanced empathy not only gets at what the person actually is saying and expressing (feeling wise), but also gets to what the person implies or leaves unstated or does not clearly express.  (This should not be a first response, for it can hardly be very caring or accurate until a trusting relationship has already been formed.  Furthermore, if one implies or interprets too early, this can frighten or be understood as premature judgment, which in turn distances.)[135]

 

Recall again the basic formulas of attending and self-disclosure:

   Formulas:

          for reflection of content  You seem to be saying    (insert abbreviated version)   .

          for self-disclosure       I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

          for reflection of feeling   You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).[136]

 

Differences between        AE-I                                      AE-II

   (In response to a person)    paraphrase or restate content   reveal hidden content

                                      state feeling                          reveal unclear feeling

                                      summarize feeling/content      reflect deeper feeling/content

                                      clarify meaning                      find/reveal new meaning

 

Example:   John says, "I hate prison.  The confinement, harassment . . . all the idiots we have to put up with.  Being here is like being a caged animal."

AE-I Response:  "You feel trapped";  or, "You feel bound up because of all the control."

AE-II Response:  (after knowing the person for a while) "You feel humiliated";  or, "You seem like all the control is getting to you.  Seems like you miss home very much?"

 

Remember:   When Love and Listening are divided by Wisdom, Liberation results.  Part of the "wisdom" will be knowing to what degree to empathize in any situation.

#5.3

 

Responding  to  Others  Exercise  #2[137]

 

Scenario  3:   A man, 38, single, talking about losing a friend:  "My best friend has just
turned his back on me.  And I don't even know why!  (Said with great emphasis.)  From the way he acted, I think he has the idea that I've been talking behind his back.  I simply have not!  (Said with great emphasis.)  Damn!  This place is full of spiteful gossips.  He should know that.  If he's been listening to those foulmouths who just want to stir up trouble. . . .  He could at least tell me what's going on."

 

How Does this person feel?__________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

How intense is the emotion or emotions and how do you know?____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an empathic response:_____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  4:   A school student, talking to his girl friend:  "My teacher told me today that I've done better work than she ever expected.  I always thought I could be good at studies if I applied myself.  (He smiles.)  So I tried this semester, and it paid off."

 

How Does this person feel?__________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

How intense is the emotion or emotions and how do you know?____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an empathic response:_____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

   Formulas:     for self-disclosure             I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

                             for reflection of content   You seem to be saying    (insert abbreviated version)   .

                             for reflection of feeling    You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

5.4a

 

Some  Prerequisite  Scriptural  Values  of  Empathy[138]

 

Pragmatic:   Doing  What  Is  Ethical  &  What  Works

 

1 Cor. 9:19-23:  Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. . . .  To the weak I became weak, to win the weak.  I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.  I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

 

Respect:   Understanding  &  Valuing  Diversity  &  Individuality

 

Understanding & Valuing Diversity:   because every person has a different heritage,

James 2:1, 8-9, 12-13:  1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. . . .  8-9If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, "Love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing right.  But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. . . .  12-13 Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who had not been merciful.  Mercy triumphs over judgment.

 

Understanding & Valuing the Individual:   because every person is unique

1 Cor. 12:12-27:  1 The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts;  and though all its parts are many, they form one body. . . .  24-27 But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other.  If one part suffers, every part suffers with it;  if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.  Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

 

Genuineness:   Beyond  Phoniness  in  Attitudes  &  Behavior

 

Eph. 4:1-7, 15-16:  15-16 Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.  From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

 

Person  Self-Responsibility

 

Mt. 11:28-30:  Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

 

Jude 22-23:  Be merciful to those who doubt;  snatch others from the fire and save them;  to others show mercy, mixed with fear‑‑hating even the clothing stained by corrupted flesh.

 

Remember:   When Love and Listening are divided by Wisdom, Liberation results.  Part of the "wisdom" will be knowing to what degree to empathize in any situation.

#5.4b

 

Some  Prerequisite  Values  of  Empathy  & 

 

Their  Behaviors[139]

 

Pragmatic:   Doing  What  Is  Ethical  &  What  Works 1 Cor. 9:19-23

Helpers:      -Maintain a real-life focus and stay flexible, not pushing beyond capabilities

                   -Develop a bias toward action, helping persons act on their own behalf

                   -Do only what is necessary, getting to the point without offensiveness

                   -Are realistic, realizing the limitations of the person being helped

 

Respect:   Valuing  Diversity  and  Individuality                                   

                                                                                                     James 2:1, 8-9, 12-13

Understanding & Valuing Diversity:   because every person has a different heritage,

          Helpers:      -Are aware of their own cultural values and biases

                             -Understand the world views of the ones they help

                             -Can relate to different cultures

                                                                                              1 Cor. 12:12-27

Understanding & Valuing the Individual:   because every person is unique

          Helpers:      -Do no harm;  they are not manipulative or exploiting

                             -Appreciate diversity, prizing the parts that make a person unique

                             -Treat people as individuals, not making them fit into a preset mold

                             -Suspend critical judgment, not shoving values down another's throat

                             -Make clear that they are for the hurting person

                             -Are available, indicating that your time is well-spent

                             -Assume the other person's goodwill:  helper may not be able to help

                             -Are warm within reason, distinguishing the warm from the intimate

                             -Keep the person's agenda in focus, especially at the beginning

                             -Help the person through pain, believing the person is willing to pay
                                      the price of living more effectively

 

Genuineness:   Beyond  Phoniness  in  Attitudes  &  Behavior Eph. 4:1-7, 15-16

Helpers:      -Do not overemphasize the helping role;  helpers live a helping lifestyle and
                             do not take on & off a role

                   -Are spontaneous:  while being respectfully tactful, the helper does not

                             weigh everything said (nor do they verbalize every thought)

                   -Are open, capable of self-disclosure in appropriate ways and with no

                             hidden agendas--"What you see is what you get"

 

Person  Self-Responsibility‑‑Nonpatronizing  Empowerment Mt. 11:28-30, Jude 22-23

Helpers:      -Start with the premise that persons can change if they choose

                   -Help persons see individual growth and responsibility as personal work

                   -Help persons discover and use their own resources

                   -Do not overrate the psychological fragility of people;  not pampering, being                      indifferent, or brutalizing, "tough love" does have a place in helping

#5.5

 

Responding  to  Others  Exercise  #3[140]

 

 

Scenario  5:   A counselor trainee, 29, speaking to a members of his training group:  "I don't know what to expect in this group.  (He speaks hesitatingly.)  I've never been in this kind of group before.  From what I've seen so far, I . . . well, I get the feeling that you're pros.  I keep watching myself to see if I'm doing things right.  (Sighs heavily.)  I'm comparing myself to what everyone else is doing.  I want to get good at this stuff. . . . (pause.)  But frankly I'm not sure I can make it."

 

Summarize or reflect the content this man's message/problem/concern (not feeling)?_____________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

What is this man feeling?____________________________________________________________

 

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an empathic response:_____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Scenario  6:   A man, 64, who has been told that he has terminal cancer, speaking to one of his doctors:  "Why me?  Why me?  I'm not even that old!  And I don't smoke or anything like that.  (He begins to cry.)  Look at me.  I thought I had some guts.  I'm just a slobbering mess.  Oh God, why terminal?  What are these next months going to be like?  (Pause, he stops crying.)  What would you care!  I'm just a failure to you guys."

 

Summarize or reflect the content this man's message/problem/concern (not feeling)?_____________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

What is this man feeling?____________________________________________________________

 

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an empathic response:_____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

   Formulas:     for self-disclosure             I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

                             for reflection of content   You seem to be saying    (insert abbreviated version)   .

                             for reflection of feeling    You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

 

References:  #1.9:  S-O-L-E-R, #2.5:  Reflecting Verbal Content, #3.3:  Four Kinds of Listening & Reflecting Feelings, #3.4:  Feeling Faces, #22:  Feeling Words, and #5.2b:  Overview of Empathy Communication.

#5.6a

 

Assignment  #5:   Accurate  Empathy

 

During this week, try to implement the skill of using accurate empathy.   Note:   Observing
others exhibiting empathy is very difficult, especially at the start.  The reason is that the best and most sincere empathy will appear natural and invisible.  Like ice melting in a glass, you know that the ice was once there‑‑the water is still cold‑‑but you see no ice.  Another reason is that the best empathy may not have been given through the formulas below.

 

Example  of an empathy observation:  A boss refused to let a brother into the gym because he hadn't shaved.  The angry brother was a center on the basketball team, and there was a tournament.  He said he was already late and did not want to miss anymore of the game.  The boss lady finally said, "You're angry at me, because I won't let you in without shaving.  And your afraid that if you go back and shave, you'll be too late and the coach won't let you play."

 

Others:  Observations/Interactions

1.  Briefly describe a person who did not use empathy (hint:  look for harshness):

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

2.  Describe a person using accurate empathy (hint:  look for smoothness):

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

Yourself:  Describe one instance in which you used accurate empathy this week:

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

 

   Formulas:     for self-disclosure             I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

                             for reflection of content   You seem to be saying    (insert abbreviated version)   .

                             for reflection of feeling    You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

 

References:  #1.9:  S-O-L-E-R, #2.5:  Reflecting Verbal Content, #3.3:  Four Kinds of Listening & Reflecting Feelings, #3.4:  Feeling Faces, #22:  Feeling Words, and #5.2b:  Overview of Empathy Communication.

#5.6b

 

Assignment  #5:   Discrimination Exercise

 

Read the quotes and responses below.  Read and think about all of the responses before
answering.  Look at #1.11:  Discrimination Exercise Code.  "4" means very effective and "1" means very ineffective.  Place a "1" at the worst response and a "4" at the best response, then a "3" at the next best and a "2" at the next to the last.  Under each section, each response should have a number, and no two responses should have the same number.

 

Quote  12:   "She's ridiculous!  Everything has to be done when she wants to do it, the way she wants it done.  It's as if nobody else existed.  It's everything she wants to do."

 

(3)_____       1.  "It really bothers you when you realize what she has done to take advantage of you."

(1)_____       2.  "Tell me, what's you concept of a good marriage?"

(2)_____       3.  "You're going to have to work this thing out before it gets to you."

(4)_____       4.  "It angers you when you think of how one-sided your relationship is.  And you don't want it to be that way."

 

Quote  13:   "I'm really excited!  We're going to Colorado!  I'm going to have a second lease on life.  I found a marvelous job opportunity!  It's great!  I just can't believe it's true!  I can be a parent and have a decent-paying part-time job at the same time.  I know I'm going to enjoy it."

 

(2)_____       1.  "Be careful that you don't bite off more than you can chew.  Make sure you have all of your plans 'together' before you start."

(4)_____       2.  "You're feeling pretty excited.  You've finally been able to put things 'together' for yourself.  And that's what it's all about for you."

(3)_____       3.  "Hey, that's a mighty good feeling.  Things are really breaking your way."

(1)_____       4.  "Do you have a place to live?"

 

Quote  14:   "I'm really excited the way things are going at home with my wife.  It's just amazing!  We get along together now.  I didn't think anyone could be that happy.  I didn't think we could be that happy.  It's just fantastic!  I'm so pleased, I don't know what else to say."

 

(3)_____       1.  "It's a wonderful feeling to have things going well in your marriage."

(4)_____       2.  "It's really exciting because you are coming alive again.  And that's what you've always wanted."

(1)_____       3.  "Is your wife aware of these changes?  If not, you'd better make sure that she is."

(2)_____       4.  "Now don't go overboard on this right now.  Just make sure you do everything possible to make it last."

 

Have a good week -- Remember:  Liberation is the result of love & listening divided by wisdom

#6.1

 

Devotion  #6:

 

If  One  Part  Suffers,  Every  Part  Suffers

 

1  Corinthians  12:12-27

 

The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts;                12

        and though all its parts are many, they form one body. . . . 

 

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many.  If the foot 14

        should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,"

        it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. . . . 

 

        As it is, there are many parts, but one body.  The eye cannot say to       20

                the hand, "I don't need you!"  And the head cannot say to

                the feet, "I don't need you!"  On the contrary, those parts of

                the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts

                that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. 

                And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special

                modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. 

 

But God has combined the members of the body and has given      24

        greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that

        there should be no division in the body, but that its

        parts should have equal concern for each other. 

 

        If one part suffers, every part suffers with it;                        26

                if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it. 

 

Now you are the body of Christ,                                                   27

                and each one of you is a part of it.

 

2  Corinthians  1:3-4

 

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

        the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

 

        who comforts us in all our troubles,

                so that we can comfort those in any trouble

                with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

#6.2

 

Empathic/Non-Empathic  Persons

 

Empathic  Persons

 

Who  were  they:________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

What  did  they  do/say:__________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Non-Empathic  Persons

 

Who were they:_________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

What  did  they  do/say:________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

#6.3a

 

Responding  to  Other  Exercise  #4

 

Scenario  7:   A bachelor, 42, speaking to the members of a life-style group to which
he has belonged for about a year:  "I've finally met a woman who is very genuine and who lets me be myself.  I can care deeply about her without making a child out of her.  (He is speaking in a soft, steady voice.)  And she cares about me without mothering me.  I never thought it would happen.  (He raises his voice a bit.)  Is it actually happening to me?  Is it actually happening?"[141]

 

What is this man feeling?____________________________________________________________

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an empathic response using the empathy formula:

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  8:   A young man on probation for five years talking to a drug counselor:  (He sits silently for a while and doesn't answer any question the counselor puts to him.  Then he shakes his head and looks around the room.)  "I don't know what I'm doing here.  You're the third counselor they've sent me to‑‑or is it the fourth?  It's a waste of time!  Why do they keep making me come here?  (He looks straight at the counselor.)  Let's fold the show right now.  Come on, get smart."

 

What is this man feeling?____________________________________________________________

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an empathic response using the empathy formula:

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  9:   A politician, 45, muses over his life in a bar with a friend:  (With a slight fidgety wave of his hand) "My whole life has been this way.  Every time I get an opportunity to do something I seem to ruin it.  I make terrible decisions, do dumb things, lose my temper. (Pause.)  It's like I get scared and (pause) deliberately ruin my chances."[142]

 

Now write an AE-I or an AE-II empathic response using the empathy formula:__________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Response:   (Wait until answer is given before writing in space below): 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

   Formula:       You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

#6.3b

 

Expert  Responses  to  #4  Scenario  #9[143]

 

 

Scenario  9:  

A politician, 45, muses over his life in a bar with a friend:  (With a slight fidgety wave of his hand) "My whole life has been this way.  Every time I get an opportunity to do something I seem to ruin it.  I make terrible decisions, do dumb things, lose my temper. (Pause.)  It's like I get scared and (pause) deliberately ruin my chances."

 

Expert  Responses:

AE-II 1.  You feel angry because you destroy your opportunities.

AE-II 2.  You feel frustrated because you blew your opportunities.

AE-II 3.  You feel disgusted with yourself because you act impulsively and cannot act constructively.

AE-I:  4.  You feel depressed because your life has not been successful.

AE-II:   5.  You feel angry at yourself because you cannot control your actions and you want to be able to control your impulsive behavior.

 

 

#6.4

 

Empathy:   A  More  Clear  Reflection

 

Level  1:   Accurate  Empathy (AE-I)---primary-level accurate empathy is a communication to the other
person that you understand what the person says explicitly about his/herself.  You do not try to dig down into what the other person is only half-saying, or implying, or stating implicitly.  You do not try to interpret. 

 

Level  2:   Advanced  Accurate  Empathy (AE-II)---advanced empathy not only gets at what the person actually is saying and expressing (feeling wise), but also gets to what the person implies or leaves unstated or does not clearly express.  You try to get inside his or her skin and get in touch with what the person is experiencing.

 

One way to learn to use advanced accurate empathy is to look for one of several areas that are just beyond the hurting (or excited) person's grasp:  (1) the deeper meaning, (2) a more potent feeling, (3) a more clear goal, or (4) a more clear statement of the problem.

 

The difference between AE-I and AE-II can be measured with respect to how the target person responded and felt.  Regardless, the best accurate empathy formula for everyone to begin with is:

 

       Formula:    You seem to feel  (insert feeling word)  because  (insert experience).

 

Example:   Man, 45, hospital:  "I've been sitting here waiting for three hours now‑‑these emergency rooms are impossible.  No one talks to you or tells you what's going on.  You just sit and wait."

 

  AE-I:  You feel frustrated because no one pays any attention to you.

  AE-I:  You feel anxious because they've kept you waiting for three hours without saying why.

  AE-II: You feel scared because you have no control of the situation.

Differences in Depth of Insight, Meaning, or Feeling Between AE-I  &  AE-II:

 _ Person _              AE-I:  Helper Responds _                   AE-II:  Helper Responds _

  States feeling                        Reflects feeling                                         Reflects new feeling

  Exhibits feeling              Reflects feeling observed                        Feeling hidden or deeper feeling

  Hints at goal               Reflects hinted goal & feeling                   Goal clarified with deeper feeling

  States problem              Reflects feeling & problem                    Identifies unsaid problem & feeling

  Hints at meaning             Reflects meaning stated                         Meaning clarified or discovered

  States confusion          Reflects feeling & confusion    Reflects feeling & experience behind confusion

 

Many  Forms  of  AE-II:

  --Expressing what is only implied:  a deeper, more explicit message lies under the surface

  --Summary:  a summary can pull together things, helping a person see more clearly

  --Identifying themes:  behavior patterns, emotional themes, crude habits

  --Helping another draw conclusions from premises:  if lived out, logical implications

  --From the less to the more:  moving from guarded language to concrete language, from vague and hidden to specific, from indirect to direct[144]

 

Remember:   When Love and Listening are divided by Wisdom, Liberation results.  Part of the "wisdom" will be knowing to what degree to empathize in any situation.

#6.5a

 

Responding  to  Others  Exercise  #5[145]

 

Scenario  10:   Factory worker, 30:  "Work is okay.  I do make a good living, and
both my family and I like the money.  My wife and I are both from poor homes, and we're living much better than we did when we were growing up.  But the work I do is the same thing day after day.  I may not be the world's brightest person, but there's a lot more to me than I use on those machines."

 

What is the conflict?________________________________________________________________

 

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an AE-II empathic response using the empathy formula:

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  11:   Psychiatric hospital patient, 54, who has spent five years in the hospital;  he is talking to the members of an ongoing therapy group;  some of the members have been asking him what he's doing to get out:  "To tell the truth, I like it here.  So why are so many people here so damn eager to see me out.  Is it a crime because I feel comfortable here?  (Pause, then in a softer voice.)  I know you're all interested in me.  I see that you care.  But do I have to please you by doing something I don't want to do?"

 

What is the conflict?________________________________________________________________

 

Walk in this person's shoes.  Now write an AE-II empathic response using the empathy formula:

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  12:   High school girl to pastor:  "It's really good talking to you like this.  Usually, I can't talk with people my age.  I'm self-conscious and uneasy.  I feel really out of it‑‑like I don't belong.  I'm different from most young people.  (Pause.)  It's well . . . I'd love to be social and relaxed.  But I know I'm not one of them.  They all stay away from me."

 

Write an AE-II empathic response using the empathy formula:_____________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 12:   (Wait until answer is given before writing in space below): 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

   Formula:       You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

#6.5b

 

Expert  Responses  to  #5  Scenario  #12[146]

 

Scenario  12:  

High school girl to school counselor:  "It's really good talking to you like this.  Usually, I can't talk with people my age.  I'm self-conscious and uneasy.  I feel really out of it‑‑like I don't belong.  I'm different from most young people.  (Pause.)  It's well . . . I'd love to be social and relaxed.  But I know I'm not one of them.  They all stay away from me."

 

Expert  Responses:

AE-I:  1.  You feel sad because people aren't friendly with you.

AE-I:  2.  You feel alone because people your age never welcome you as a friend.

AE-II:   3.  You feel unhappy because you have not made any friends.

AE-II:   4.  You feel alone because you cannot get along with people your age.

AE-II:   5.  You feel disappointed in yourself because you cannot relate to people your age and you want to be able to relate to them.

 

 

#6.6

 

Empathy  Being  More  than  a  Skill  &  the Anti-Helper

 

Gerard Egan gives several reasons for empathy being more than a skill:

 

1.   The  Difficulty  of  Entering  Another's  World:   the skill should flow from your actually being with another, from your experiencing his or her world.  This will depend on your ability to care about other people (to love them).  Accurate empathy at its fullest is a way of relating and an attempt to penetrate the aloneness of another person.

 

2.   The  Experience  of  Feeling  Understood:   one clear goal of empathy is to communicate to the other person that we understand.  As a result, the person who is the beneficiary of sincere empathy will exhibit one or more of the following.

 

              Gives a sign of being understood              Feels safe in the relationship

              Feels accepted by the empathizer             Feels a sense of co-experience

              Feelings of satisfaction                            Feels a sense of communion

              Feels relieved initially                             Feels a sense of communion with what
                                                                         the helper represents

 

        This sense of feeling accepted and understood often provides a basis of support that enables the person to trust and risk further involvement.

 

3.   Trustworthiness  and  Trust:   trust becomes the most important ingredient in a caring relationship.  This means that the person believes the helper will be confidential, be reliable, be considerate in the use of power, and exhibit a minimal degree of empathy.  The high-level communicator not only trusts but also makes himself or herself trustworthy.[147]

 

Philip Coyle suggests several ways in which a helper can be an Anti-Helper:

 

1.  Rejecting the person.                                    9.  Throw in attacking statements.

2.  Boasting.                                                    10.  Offer quick interpretations.

3.  Lecture.                                                      11.  Offer cliche' responses.

4.  Ask numerous closed questions.                  12.  Arguing or criticizing the person.[148]

5.  Interrupt (unless ending a sidetrack).

6.  Tell the person that they "shouldn't feel that way."

7.  Reassuring without reasonable knowledge that conditions will improve.

8.  Self-disclose excessively, drawing attention away from the hurting person.

 

#6.7a

 

Assignment  #6:   Advanced  Accurate  Empathy

 

During this week, try to use advanced accurate empathy.   Note:   Observing others
exhibiting empathy is very difficult, especially at the start.  The reason is that the best and most sincere empathy will appear natural and invisible.  Like ice melting in a glass, you know that the ice was once there‑‑the water is still cold‑‑but you see no ice.  Another reason is that the best empathy may not have been given through the formulas below.

 

Example  of an advanced accurate empathy observation:   I was setting in the dayroom next to two friends of mine.  One appeared sort of down.  He told the other person and me of home, wife, kids, and a two year set-off he had just received.  As we chatted, I sort of felt he was giving up hope, then the other person said, "You sort of feel down because you wonder if you're ever going to get out of here and see your family again."  A tear came to his eye.  (The hurting person never explicitly said anything about hope or actually going home.)

 

Others:  Observations/Interactions

1.  Briefly describe a person who did not use empathy (hint:  look for harshness): _______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

2.  Try to find and describe a person using AE-II (hint:  look for smoothness):

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

Yourself:  Describe one instance in which you tried to use AE-II empathy this week: ____________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________

 

References:  #1.9:  S-O-L-E-R, #2.5:  Reflecting Verbal Content, #3.3:  Four Kinds of Listening & Reflecting Feelings, #3.4:  Feeling Faces, #22:  Feeling Words, #5.2b:  Overview of Empathy Communication, and #6.4:  Empathy:  A More Clear Reflection.

 

   Formula:       You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

#6.7b

 

Assignment #6:   Discrimination Exercise

 

Read the quotes and responses below.  Read and think about all of the responses before
answering.  Look at #1.11:  Discrimination Exercise Code.  "4" means very effective and "1" means very ineffective.  Place a "1" at the worst response and a "4" at the best response, then a "3" at the next best and a "2" at the next to the last.  Under each section, each response should have a number, and no two responses should have the same number.

 

 

 

Quote  15:   No response. (Moving about in chair.)

 

(4)_____       1.  "You're really absorbed in your thoughts because you're starting to see things and that's what you want to be able to do."

(1)_____       2.  "A penny for your thoughts."

(2)_____       3.  "Why don't you take a moment to think about what you want to tell me?"

(3)_____       4.  "You're really full of thought right now because something got through to you."

 

 

 

Quote  16:   "Who do you think you are?  You call yourself a therapist!  Damn, here I am spilling my guts out and you're not hearing what I'm saying."

 

(2)_____       1.  "I'm really trying to listen to you.  Maybe you can push me a little harder to make sure I hear you."

(3)_____       2.  "You're pretty displeased with what has been going on here."

(4)_____       3.  "You're furious because you want more from me."

(1)_____       4.  "You're suggesting I'm wrapped up in myself.  Do you think that perhaps this is your problem?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Have a good week -- Remember:  Liberation is the result of love & listening divided by wisdom

#7.1

 

Devotion #7:

 

L O V E:  The  Most  Excellent  Way

 

 

                1 Corinthians 12:31-13:7

 

                If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels,

                    but have not love,

                            I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 

 

                If I have the gift of prophecy and

                    can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and

                    if I have a faith that can move mountains,

 

                            but have not love,

                                    I am nothing. 

 

                If I give all I possess to the poor and

                    surrender my body to the flames,

                   

                            but have not love,

                                    I gain nothing.

 

                Love  is  patient,  love  is  kind. 

 

                It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 

 

                It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

                    it is not easily angered,

                    it keeps no record of wrongs. 

 

                Love does not delight in evil but

                    rejoices in the truth. 

 

                         Love  always  protects,

                                 always  trusts,

                                         always  hopes,

                                                 always  perseveres.

 

#7.2

 

Other Kinds of Empathic Response Leads[149]

 

 

 1.  Kind of feeling . . .                                  35.  So, you feel . . .

 2.  Sort of saying . . .                                   36.  So, as you see it . . .

 3.  It appears to you . . .                              37.  I gather . . .

 4.  Could it be that . . .                                 38.  Like right now . . .

 5.  As I hear it, you . . .                                39.  I read you as . . .

 6.  You feel . . .                                            40.  You often feel . . .

 7.  You must have felt . . .                            41.  You appear . . .

 8.  Sometime you . . .                                   42.  I hear you saying . . .

 9.  What I hear you saying is . . .                 43.  It seems to you . . .

10.  I really hear you saying that . . .            44.  It seems to me . . .

11.  I'm not sure I'm with you, but . . .           45.  You feel, perhaps . . .

12.  It sounds as if you're saying . . .             46.  Sometimes you think . . .

13.  I wonder if you're saying . . .                 

14.  You place a high value on . . .

15.  I'm picking up that you . . .

16.  What I guess I'm hearing is . . .

17.  As I get it, you're saying . . .

18.  You appear to be feeling . . .

19.  As I get it, you felt that . . .

20.  If I'm hearing you correctly . . .

21.  This could be a longshot, but . . .

22.  So, from where you sit . . .

23.  Kind of made (makes) you feel . . .

24.  Very much feeling __________________

25.  I sense that you're feeling . . .

26.  Your feeling at the present time that . . .

27.  The thing you feel most right now is sort of like . . .

28.  I wonder if you're expressing a concern that . . .

29.  Your message seems to be "__________________"

30.  Sort of hear you saying that maybe you . . .

31.  Listening to you, it seems as if __________________

32.  I somehow sense that maybe you feel . . .

33.  So your world is a place where (So in your world you) . . .

34.  You communicate (convey a sense of) . . .

#7.3a

 

Some  Common  Mistakes[150]

 

Mistakes are essentially the poor use of primary level accurate empathy.  Here are a few:

 

1.  Defensive responses                 9.  Response indicating rejection or disrespect

2.  Unsolicited advice-giving           10.  Premature AE-II

3.  Pairing or side-taking                11.  Response implying condescension or manipulation

4.  Premature confrontation            12.  Inaccurate primary-level empathy

5.  Longwindedness                        13.  Use of inappropriate warmth or sympathy

6.  Incomplete responses                14.  Use of closed, inappropriate, irrelevant questions

7.  Judgmental remarks

8.  Clichés

 

The following exercise example gives some practice at discerning the appropriate from the judgmental and defensive.  Assume that you are with the party below in a group setting.  If you think the responses are accurate empathy, write a plus (+) sign in front.  If the response is not, or a poor response, write a minus (-) sign.  For every minus (-) sign, indicate why referring to the mistakes above.  Be specific.

 

Example Scenario:  I have a high expectations of this group.  I think we've developed a pretty good level of trust among ourselves, and I'd like to start taking greater risks.  The longer I'm here the more desire I have to learn as much as possible about myself.  I want you to help me do this, and I want to do the same for you.

 

a. (--) Hey, I wish you wouldn't speak for me.  I'm not at all sure that my expectations are the same as yours.  I think you're being pretty idealistic.

 

        Reason:    defensive, judgmental, accusatory

 

b. (+) Your enthusiasm is growing.  There are a lot of resources here, and you'd like to take advantage of them.

 

          Reason:    (none because it is a plus)

 

c. (--) Do you think we're ready to do this sort of thing?

 

          Reason:    inappropriate, closed question, vague

 

d. (--) Now, John, you've always been a good member, very eager.  I appreciate you eagerness very much, but festina lente, as the Romans said‑‑make haste slowly."

 

          Reason:    condescending, parental, advice-giving

 

e. (+) Your enthusiasm's infectious, John‑‑at least for me.  I think that I, coward that I am, am ready for a bit more risk, myself.

 

          Reason:    (none because It is a plus)

#7.3b

 

Some  Common  Mistakes  Exercise[151]

 

The following exercise example gives some practice at discerning the appropriate from
the judgmental and defensive.  Assume that you are with the party below in a group setting.  If you think the response is accurate empathy, write a plus (+) sign in front.  If the response is not, or a poor response, write a minus (-) sign.  For every minus (-) sign, indicate why referring to the mistakes above.  Be specific.

 

Scenario:  I think of myself as a pretty independent guy, and my independence, if I'm not mistaken, tends to rub people the wrong way.  People figure there's no way that I can be affected by them.  I'm not saying that this is right or wrong, but I think it's only fair to let you know about it, so that you don't look for something I don't usually give.

 

a. (   ) I know exactly what you mean, Joe.  I used to think that I was more "together" than anyone else I knew.  Other people didn't matter;  often enough they just got in the way.

 

        Reason:____________________________________________

 

b. (   ) The reason why we can't influence you, Joe, is that you won't let us.  I'll bet that somewhere along the line you let someone get close, and you got stung.  I know it's going to be hard, but you have to risk yourself like everybody else.  I think you can trust us enough to do this.

 

        Reason:____________________________________________

 

c. ( -- ) It almost sounds as if you're saying that you see yourself as the kind of person who can alienate people by being detached.  I'm not sure how you feel about it‑‑except that you might cause some trouble here.

 

        Reason:____________________________________________

 

d. (   ) I don't see you that way at all, Joe.  I really experience you as open and "with" us.  I like being in the group with you.

 

        Reason:____________________________________________

 

e. (   ) Well, isn't that nice!  You just want to be left alone‑‑probably because you're afraid of being dealt with.

 

        Reason:____________________________________________

#7.3c

 

Some  Common  Mistakes  Exercise  Answers[152]

 

Scenario:   I think of myself as a pretty independent guy, and my independence, if I'm
not mistaken, tends to rub people the wrong way.  People figure there's no way that I can be affected by them.  I'm not saying that this is right or wrong, but I think it's only fair to let you know about it, so that you don't look for something I don't usually give.

 

Here are the expert responses

 

a. (--) I know exactly what you mean, Joe.  I used to think that I was more "together" than anyone else I knew.  Other people didn't matter;  often enough they just got in the way.

 

        Reason:   inappropriate self-disclosure;  indirect confrontation

 

b. (--) The reason why we can't influence you, Joe, is that you won't let us.  I'll bet that somewhere along the line you let someone get close, and you got stung.  I know it's going to be hard, but you have to risk yourself like everybody else.  I think you can trust us enough to do this.

 

Reason:   inappropriate confrontation;  inappropriate AE-II;  advice-giving;  patronizing

 

c. (+) It almost sounds as if you're saying that you see yourself as the kind of person who can alienate people by being detached.  I'm not sure how you feel about it‑‑except that you might cause some trouble here.

 

Reason:   (plus:  no reason needed)

 

d. (--) I don't see you that way at all, Joe.  I really experience you as open and "with" us.  I like being in the group with you.

 

Reason:   inappropriate warmth;  side-taking;  lack of respect

 

e. (--) Well, isn't that nice!  You just want to be left alone‑‑probably because you're afraid of being dealt with.

 

Reason:   snide;  accusatory;  judgmental, insubstantial AE-II

#7.4a

 

Responding  to  Others  Exercise  #6[153]

 

Scenario  13:   Male high school teacher, 50, to the principal:  "Cindy Smith really
got to me today.  She's been a thorn in my side all semester.  Just a little bitch.  Asking questions in her 'sweet' way, but everyone knows she's trying to make an ass of me.  Little snot!  So I let her have it‑‑I let it all come out and pasted her up against the wall‑‑verbally, that is.  She was the fool this time.  You know me.  I just don't do that kind of thing.  I lost control.  I have no love for Cindy, but it was a pretty bad mistake."

 

What is the conflict?________________________________________________________________

 

Write an AE-II response using the formula:_____________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  14:   Widowed mother, 47, talking about her son:  "He knows he can take advantage of me.  If he stops talking to me or acts sullen for a couple of days, I go crazy.  He gets everything he wants out of me, and I know it's my own fault.  But I still love him very much.  After all, he stays here with me.  I do have a man in the house.  He's (the son) going to be going to college locally, so he'll be around for a awhile yet."

 

What is the conflict?________________________________________________________________

 

Write an AE-II response using the formula:_____________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  15:   Working student, 23, to pastor:  "I'm so tired, I don't know what to do.  I try to keep up with everything:  work, home, classes.  But each day seems so long.  By noon, I'm already too tired to cope."

 

Write an AE-II response using the formula:_____________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  16:   Employee at a factory, 33, to a friend:  "Damn!  I blew it again.  I just don't seem to be able to think before I open my big mouth.  This job was going so smoothly before I got mad and told off my supervisor."

 

Write an AE-II response using the formula:_____________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 15:___________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 16:___________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________________________________

#7.4b

 

Expert  Responses  to  #6  Scenarios  #15  &  16[154]

 

 

Scenario  15:  

Working student, 23, to pastor:  I'm so tired, I don't know what to do.  I try to keep up with everything:  work, home, classes.  But each day seems so long.  By noon, I'm already too tired to cope."

 

Expert  Responses:

AE-II:   1.  You feel discouraged because you've lost your edge.

AE-I:  2.  You feel tired because there's so much to do.

AE-II:   3.  You feel tired because you lack the energy to do it all.

 

Scenario  16:  

Employee at a factory, 33, to a friend:  "Damn!  I blew it again.  I just don't seem to be able to think before I open my big mouth.  This job was going so smoothly before I got mad and told off my supervisor."

 

Expert  Responses:

AE-II:   1.  You feel angry because you keep repeating your mistakes.

AE-I:  2.  You feel upset because this situation is happening again.

AE-II:   3.  You feel down because you really thought you were going to make it on this job.

#7.5

 

Discerning  Empathy  from  Sympathy[155]

 

 

A 30 year old friend of five years has lost a brother.  The friend's brother was like a father, being 13 years older and having helped raise the friend.  The helper did not know the brother at all and only knew a little about the friend's relationship with his brother.

 

Empathy           is walking in another person's shoes
                                to get their view and to communicate

                                to them that you have gotten their view.

 

     Statement:   "I feel your pain.  (A tear falls at the friend's profuse crying.)  You feel lost without your brother because he was so special to you."

     Objective:   to communicate an understanding and a community of feeling.

 

Sympathy         is seeing some walk in their shoes and
                                wanting to help them out of their shoes
                                immediately.

 

     Statement:   "You poor fellow.  We all go through this.  You'll get over it."

     Objective:   to express feeling and quickly resolve the issue or feeling in order to move onto to a more comfortable topic.

 

Identification:         is walking in a person's shoes and
                                being unable to get out of that person's shoes.

 

     Statement:   "This is terrible.  (Crying almost as profusely as the friend.)  We've got to do something."

     Objective:   to take equal responsibility for another's dilemma (even though one has no or only a little connection with the dilemma).

#7.6a

 

Responding  to  Others  Exercise  #7

 

Scenario  17:   Special Ed teacher to Principal:  "The teacher's aide I got this year is a
real winner.  She acts like she's 14‑‑and that's being kind.  I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the year with her."

 

Write your best formula response:_____________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  18:   Young man to drug counselor:  "I guess when I was a teenager I felt so down all the time and the speed made me feel better.  But now, the speed is running me.  I'm out of control and yet I keep on taking it."

 

Write your best formula response:_____________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  19:   Middle-aged husband:  "I know I've got to handle this myself.  It really gets me down, watching my wife go back to drinking.  But I can't join her.  I've got to be strong enough to say no.  It's my only chance.  And if I can beat it, maybe I can help her."

 

Write your best formula response:_____________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Scenario  20:   Man, 28:  "All my life, I've felt like I was searching for something.  I know I'm a good person.  I'm decent.  I should be satisfied with who I am.  But there's a sense of something missing.  I'm not who I could be . . . I'm not strong or not complete somehow."

 

Write your best formula response:_____________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 17:___________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 18:___________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 19:___________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

Expert Responses to 20:___________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

   Formula:       You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

#7.6b

 

Expert  Responses  to  #7  Scenario  #17-20[156]

 

Scenario  17:   Special Ed teacher to Principal:  "The teacher's aide I got this year
is a real winner.  She acts like she's 14‑‑and that's being kind.  I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the year with her."

 

AE-I:   1.  You feel annoyed because she's as bad as one of the kids.

AE-II:  2.  You feel angry because you're going to have to cope with an added problem.

AE-I:   3.  You feel frustrated because she isn't mature enough to cope with the class.

 

Scenario  18:   Young man to drug counselor:  "I guess I was a teenager I felt so down all the time and the speed made me feel better.  But now, the speed is running me.  I'm out of control and yet I keep on taking it."

 

AE-II:  1.  You feel scared because you cannot break your speed habit.

AE-I:   2.  You feel uneasy because the speed is in control.

AE-II:  3.  You feel helpless because you've given up control of your life.

 

Scenario  19:   Middle-aged husband:  "I know I've got to handle this myself.  It really gets me down, watching my wife go back to drinking.  But I can't join her.  I've got to be strong enough to say no.  It's my only chance.  And if I can beat it, maybe I can help her."

AE-I:   1.  You feel saddened because your wife is destroying herself.

AE-II:  2.  You feel alone because you're the only one you can count on.

AE-II:  3.  You feel inadequate because you cannot help your wife before you help yourself.

 

Scenario  20:   Man, 28:  "All my life, I've felt like I was searching for something.  I know I'm a good person.  I'm decent.  I should be satisfied with who I am.  But there's a sense of something missing.  I'm not who I could be . . . I'm not strong or not complete somehow."

 

AE-I:   1.  You feel dissatisfied because your life is not meeting your expectations.

AE-II:  2.  You feel angry with yourself because you have lost so much time.

AE-II:  3.  You feel sad because you might have lived your life differently if you'd had this missing information.

AE-II:  4.  You feel weak inside because you cannot define what is missing.

AE-II:  5.  You feel disappointed because you haven't yet determined what it is that is missing in your life and you want, deeply, to find it.

#7.7

 

T h e   L a s t   F r o n t i e r

 

When we divide love and listening by wisdom, we will liberate our brothers and sisters. 

 

Love is the supreme virtue.  Listening is one of the most significant skills of love, for in listening we come to understand the loved one:  that is, only by listening will we come to understand the loved one.  As we understand, we are enabled to love them more deeply in proportion to our knowledge of their needs.

 

Listening is hard work.  The best listeners are those persons who are growing themselves.  The person who is constantly learning about himself or herself, about others, and about life in general‑‑these are the best listeners.

 

Those who do not like to grow, but remain sticks in the mud.  These are the most shallow.  Indeed, these are the ones who need listening to the most.

 

Nevertheless, if you love God and your brother, the one skill you need to continually develop is the skill of listening with empathy.  As you develop this skill, you will be enriching your life as well as the lives of those with whom you have to do.

 

Going over the material from this program will provide you with a means to increase your listening skill.  Using the formulas will provide a basic kind of empathy that anyone can use.  Some of you use empathy and self-disclosure anyway.  As your sensitivities grow, you will find yourself using empathy and self-disclosure even more comfortably and more naturally.

 

Pray for strength and wisdom.  For it takes a strong person to listen and empathize, as it takes a strong person to love.  But if you love, you will grow in your skill of listening.

 

May God make an adventure out of listening for you.  The last frontier is in the heart of a brother or sister who needs your love.

 

 

 

Remember the formulas.

 

   Formulas:                                         for self-disclosure        I feel    (insert feeling word)    because    (insert experience)   .

                             for reflection of content   You seem to be saying    (insert abbreviated version)   .

                             for reflection of feeling    You seem to feel (insert feeling word) because (insert experience).

 

 

 

Remember the principle of Christian caring.

 

Remember:   When Love and Listening are divided by Wisdom,

                                                                                Liberation results. 

 

#7.8

 

Where to Go from Here:  

                                  Towards Wisdom

 

 

Remember:    Part  of  the  "wisdom"  will  be  knowing

-how to attend and to what degree you need to attend.

-how to hear the obvious and not so obvious feelings.

-how to tell the obvious from the actual "content" of a message.

-when and how much to self-disclose in any situation.

-to what degree to empathize in any situation.[157]

 

 

Romans 13:9-10  

   The commandments . . . are summed up in this one rule:  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  Love does no harm to its neighbors.  Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.   (See also Mt. 22:37-40, Gal. 5:14, and Lev. 19:18.)

 

Job 28:12-28

   12 But where can wisdom be found?  Where does understanding dwell?  Man does not comprehend its worth;  it cannot be found in the land of the living.  The deep says, "It is not in me." . . . 15 It cannot be bought with the finest gold, nor can its price be weighed in silver. . . . 23 God understands the way to it, and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens. . . .  28 And he said to man, "The fear of the Lord‑‑that is wisdom, and to shun evil is understanding.

 

Proverbs 1:5

   5 A wise man will hear, and will increase in learning (KJV).

 

Matthew 7:24

Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

 

As you love and listen, you will be fulfilling the very commands of God himself.  If you love God, you love others and search for wisdom.  Where do you and I go from here?  Hopefully and prayerfully, the direction will be towards wisdom, and wisdom will be found in listening.

 

Remember:    When  Love  and  Listening  are  divided  by  Wisdom,

 

                                                                        Liberation  results. 


[131]LaForge, Interpersonal Check List, ICL:1-8.

[132]Adapted from Egan, The Skilled Helper (1990), 220-224; Egan, Interpersonal Living (1976), 47-54. Cf., Luft, Of Human Interaction, & Duck, Relating to Others.

[133]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 56-58.

[134]Adapted from Carkhuff, Trainer's Guide for The Art of Helping VII, 109-121.

[135]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 108-111.

[136]Q.v., #1.9:  S-O-L-E-R, #2.5:  Reflecting Verbal Content, #3.3:  Four Kinds of Listening & Reflecting Feelings, #3.4:  Feeling Faces, and #22:  Feeling Words.

[137]Adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 14-17.

[138]Headings adapted from Egan, The Skilled Helper, 5th ed., (1994), 49-58.

[139]Adapted from Egan, The Skilled Helper, 5th ed., (1994), 49-58.

[140]Adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 14-17.

[141]Adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 14-17.

[142]Adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 107.

[143]Adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 107, 225.

[144]Definitions of level 1 and 2 and forms of AE-II adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, respectively, 108-111 and 159-65.  Example adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 93.

[145]Adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 28-34, and from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 107, 225.

[146]Adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 107, 225.

[147]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 137-40.

[148]Adapted from Coyle, Counseling Ministry Training Program, 17-18.

[149]Adapted from Drum, "Pastoral Care at Eastham Prison: A Program for Training Inmates to Help as Peer Counselors," 142.

[150]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 133-7, 308.

[151]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 133-7.

[152]Adapted from Egan, Interpersonal Living, 308.

[153]Scenarios 13 & 14 adapted from Egan, Exercises in Helping Skills (1985), 28-34.  Scenarios 15 and 16 adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 93-4, 224.

[154]Scenarios #15-16 adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook For The Art of Helping VII, 93-4, 224.

[155]Cf. Eisenberg & Strayer, Empathy and Its Development, 5-11.

[156]Scenarios #17-20 adapted from Carkhuff, Student Workbook, 94-9, 106, & 224-5.

[157]Q.v., for attending, 1.9: Egan's S-O-L-E-R, 2.2: Exploring Attending Skills; content, #2.5: Reflecting Verbal Content; feeling, #3.3: Four Kinds of Listening and Reflecting Feeling; self-disclosure, #3.7: Six Reasons that Inhibit Self-Disclosure, #4.3: Some Rules of Self-Disclosure; and empathy, #5.2b: Overview of Empathy Behavior, #5.4a: Some Prerequisite Values of Empathy, and #6.4: Empathy: A More Clear Reflection.