Peace, be still
by Weeping Skye, 9-18-7

I had been crying for hours now.  I had moved from the bedroom, to the den and finally to the back bumper of her Tahoe.  My sobs were so loud and deep I kept moving farther and farther away from her, sleeping in our bedroom, as if nothing was wrong.

It was 4:00 AM, I remember it quite well.  You see, just this day, this very day, at lunch, she said I needed to think about moving out.  A year and a half together and she thinks I need to move on! Oh!  My heart aches to even tell you!  But I must.  I must go on.

Demons have filled my head, joyfully taunting, tormenting, I see them in my minds eye.  Laughing, laughing, swirling round and round in my brain.  No … no!  Leave me alone!  They just smile.  Smile as if they know I’m at the end of my rope, at the end of hope, maybe at the end of life.  An eerie calm comes over me, maybe not a peaceful calm, but a calm just the same.

Despair seems but a word now, a hollow empty word.  Cries echo off it’s walls, falling into the abyss that is despair.  I’ve seen this abyss before, maybe even recognize some of the claw marks on the wall, but I’ve never fallen this deep before. It seems so peaceful on the way down.  The demons haven’t followed, floating around at the top of the chasm, afraid. Afraid to go to this depth.

WHY!   WHY!   WHY!   DAMMIT, WHY!  This isn’t how it’s supposed to be!  This is not what I want to do!  But I must.  I’ve never been more at peace about dying than now.  I’ve never been more tormented about living than now.

“GOD!  Where are You?”

“Here.”

“Where?”

“With you.”

“Falling?”

“Catching.”

“Catching?”

“Holding.”

“Holding?”

“Saving.”

Saving, saving me!  The tears have changed from sorrow to joy.  The demons have fled, not wanting to catch a glimpse of my Savior.  Life flows into my veins.  The turbulent tide of emotions, calm, as if He said, “peace, be still.”